Archive for February, 2015

What 5 Things Build Trust In A Relationship?

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

I spent most of my professional career trying to recruit foreign spies to work for the FBI. Foreign Intelligence Officers are trained to believe that FBI agents are not to be trusted because they are manipulative and greedy. 

Communication - 2 people

This stereotype can be a hard nut to crack. FBI Agents have to be masters in selling themselves and their product. The only way to do this is by building trust with the other individual.

And you know what? If I tried to fake it, it didn’t work.

Strengthening relationships is not just a priority for counterintelligence FBI agents who want to establish trust with the Targets of their investigations. You may need to develop trust with team members, competitors, and new clients—it is the most important factor in building relationships.

From my own background and experience, here are some key things you need to do in order to develop trust:

1. Work Hard To Understand The Goals And Priorities Of Others

I developed a genuine appreciation for the Target of my investigation. If I couldn’t, I walked away from the case—the Target deserved better from me.

Your greatest need may be to build stronger connections with competitors, or those who would rather see you fail than succeed. No matter your current relationship, let them know that their goals and priorities are important to you.

Mental toughness is controlling your emotions rather than letting your emotions control you—do not let anger, resentment, or jealousy interfere with your own goals and priorities—to win their trust!

TIP: Keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.

2. Never Lie About The Things That Matter

I approached my meetings with the Target as a collaboration of honest conversations. So, I never lied to the Target. I met him in true name and laid out the proposal in plain language. No tricks and no bait-and-switch.

When you look at someone as an object, or as good or bad to your career, trust cannot be built. Instead, try to be non-judgmental and understand:

  • Their objectives and goals
  • Why it is their objective or goal
  • What they are truly after
  • Where you can find common ground

TIP: To manage the constant flow of information, our brain is hardwired to make snap judgments about people and situations. You will need to intentionally choose to be non-judgmental as you build trust with others.

3. Never Succumb To The Temptation of Manipulation

I always believed my relationship with the Target would be long-term and beneficial to both of us.

Whenever a self-serving agenda becomes apparent, we know we’re being manipulated. When this happens, make an effort to understand why they feel the need to manipulate you rather than communicating with you in a more direct manner.

Maybe they don’t trust you?

TIP: Look for ways that you can help them think about other, more successful ways they can be successful in what they want to achieve. And then help them achieve their goal.

4. One Favor Deserves Another

I resisted the temptation to feel angry or put-upon when the Target started testing our relationship by asking for favors—especially ones that would help make him look good in some way.

The law of reciprocity says that when we do someone a favor, the other person will feel an obligation to reciprocate that favor at some point in the future. Over time, the need to reciprocate the interest, kindness, and effort that you’ve made on their behalf will pay off.

TIP: Trust is built faster and stronger when your agenda is not the first priority.

5. Get Rid Of The Ego

I treated the Target as an equal, and not as a second-class citizen even when I knew he was trying to steal classified U.S military documents.

It’s tempting to take the moral high ground, but I always made an effort to understand why they made the choices they had in life. As I listened to their answers, I answered non-judgmentally and followed up with questions that were not freighted with judgment. 

It means suspending the ego and the certainty of your rightness in the matter. If you make the conversations all about them, you are continually validating them as human beings.

William Shakespeare wrote this famous line—“Love all, trust few.” He had it right—trust only in the few who take a genuine interest in understanding your needs and wants. Trust is not an act.

TIP: Once people trust you, they will trust your message.

Whose message do you trust?

 

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

 

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What Really Holds Women Leaders Back

Sunday, February 8th, 2015

As a retired female FBI agent, I take umbrage at the assumption that professional women don’t have what it takes to move their career to the next level. The implications are that women need special assistance or standards of the position need to be lowered so they can be hired.

Stressed businesswoman screaming into phone inside small cubicle

I served on a search committee recently where one of the members of the organization said to me, “We need a woman to fill this position. Whomever you pick, make sure it’s a female.” My jaw dropped. She implied that special consideration should be given to the women who applied.

I responded to that individual with such unfiltered intensity that she started to back away from me. “Do you truly believe that there will be no qualified female candidates?” I demanded. “We’re not doing women any favors if we hire someone just because she’s a woman!”

As it turns out, the best candidate was a woman, and she was hired!

The fact is, men still make up 95.2% of Fortune 500 CEO’s positions. Men comprise the majority of corporate boards. And Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel stands out like a lightbulb as a female head of state.

While blatant bias no longer blocks women leaders from soaring into top positions, there may still be residual discrimination. But research is showing that societal factors are the biggest culprit in nudging women away from top level careers.

Here is what really holds women leaders back:

1. Math Is A Four Letter Word

Researchers have repeatedly found that girls and boys do not differ in average mathematical abilities. 

For math-centric fields, in which women are very scarce, it appears that a difference in interests is the primary factor to explain the disparity. Girls are told from an early age that they do not have an aptitude for Science, Technology, Engineering, or Math (STEM). They opt for other professions.

According to neuroscientist Lise Eliot, there are small inherent differences in aptitude between males and females at birth. Boys seem to have a small edge in spatial cognition. Society takes these differences and makes them much bigger. They support boys in math and science and discourage girls to pursue careers in these areas.

2. Stereotypes Are Alive And Thriving

When we expect an individual to perform at a level below the standard, studies are finding that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

A group of females were tested in certain fields dominated by men. They scored much better if they were asked to fill out their gender after they had taken the test. Surveys like this worry me because it points to the fact that stereotypes don’t always come from others. Sometimes we live up to the stereotype of ourselves that we’ve heard others talk about. It’s how we come to view ourselves.

The seeds for this pattern of behavior are planted as early as high school. Self-limiting beliefs and lower expectations of their future have already been embedded into their thinking.

3. The Road Well Traveled

Many women leaders prefer to opt out of the competitive world of business and academia. They believe leadership positions are compatible with having families.

These women refuse to play by the rules of the game. Working 24/7 for the first 20 years of their career is the only route to leadership. There aren’t enough pathways to the top today for people (men or women) who are not willing to play the game as it’s played today.

A 2010 Survey of Doctorate recipients indicates that women are more than twice as likely as men to leave the labor force. Most of those who were not retiring cite family considerations.

4. Confidence Is An Inside Job

The best and brightest young women can become great leaders. It’s easy to say, but do we need to convince women that they really should be going for the big jobs? Do women wither in the face of competitive leadership and business tracks?

Part of the answer lies in whether women feel confident they can fill the pin-stripe suit who occupied the desk before them. 

The individual I mentioned earlier wanted my search committee to give the job to a woman. The person’s attitude exuded a lack of confidence that a woman could get the job on her own merits. To me, that indicates a dangerous lack of confidence in the capabilities of the women out there on the fast track to leadership.

5. Home Sweet Hell 

According to a study of Harvard Business School alumni, women leaders want high-achieving careers even after they start families. 

The study also found that men generally expect that their careers will take precedence over their spouses’ careers. They assume their spouses will handle more of the child care. 

Women, on the other hand, expect that their careers will be as important as their spouses. They expect they will share child care equally—but, in general, neither happens. This pattern appears to be nearly as strong among Harvard graduates still in their 20s as it is for earlier generations.

Among women in the 32—67 age group, only 25 percent expected their husbands’ careers to take precedence. In reality, their husband’s career took precedence 40 percent of the time. Half of the women expected to handle a majority of child care. In reality, nearly three-quarters ended up doing so.

Strong women leaders can take their careers to the next level—or to the top. But first, they need to address the real issues that are holding them back.

 

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

 

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