Archive for June, 2017

7 Stupid Things You’re Doing To Make Yourself Less Likable

Monday, June 19th, 2017

As an FBI agent, I needed to be likable as well as credible. As a likable person, I was able to exert a great deal of influence on others because I was able to connect with them in a meaningful way.

Likable people do better in business as well. Clients listen to them, trust them, and are willing to give them the benefit of doubt.

As a business owner or entrepreneur, your ability to be likable can be a big factor in your success. If you come across as likable, you will be better treated by investors, colleagues, and clients.

Being seen as likable often comes down to the smallest of behaviors. Unknowingly, you may be doing things that cause people to dislike you. 

If you are mentally tough, you will be able to manage these behaviors in ways that will set you up for success.

Here are 7 stupid things you may be doing to make yourself less likable:

1. PRETEND TO SMILE

When you pretend to smile, only the corners of your mouth will curl upward. This is called a smarmy “social smile” and is used by celebrities and politicans. A lot.

Research by Paula Niedenthal suggests that a true smile enlists not only the muscles around your mouth, but also those around the eye socket. Visually, a genuine smile will activate lines around the eye known as “crows feet.” In addition, our brain is wired to mimic the smile of others. If the smile is real, our brain will activate the same areas on our own face; subconciously we recognize almost immediately whether the greeting was genuine or not.

How To Make It Work For You: Maintain eye contact with the other person and notice how they mirror your facial gestures: they smile when you smile, they frown when you frown, they nod their head when you nod. Keep in mind how people will mirrow your behavior and make sure you are sending the right message.

2. PUSH TO THE FRONT

You want to impress the other person, right? You let them know that you’re smart, sophisticated, and ambitious. Everything about you shouts, “I’m first! I’m the winner!”

But here is the bad news—everyone sees right through it.

Likable people do not try to compete with the people they are meeting or brag about their accomplishments. Instead, they spend time complimenting others and truly being impressed by high achievers and those from whom they can learn. They are confident enough to be vulnerable and willing to admit they can still learn much from others.

How To Make It Work For You: If you are the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. Move on, immediately, and surround yourself with people who really are smarter and brighter than you. You’ll be challenged in good ways that will expand your understanding of yourself and the world around you.

3. POORLY DEVELOPED COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Experts agree that communication, both interpersonal and organizational, is a necessity for the success of your business.

A recent Forbes article published research by the Carnegie Institute of Technology. This study indicated only 15% of financial success actually comes from knowledge or technical skills. The remaining 85% of success comes from the ability to effectively communicate and negotiate—both when speaking and listening.

In addition, Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman has found that people would rather do business with a person they like and trust than someone they don’t. While this isn’t surprising, the real clincher was this—it applied even if the likable person was offering a lower-quality product or service at a higher price.

How To Make It Work For You: Pay close attention to what your listeners are saying so you can learn what is important to them and their situation. Most importantly, remember that everyone is different. One size does not fit all.

4. FORGET TO BE POLITE

I chose my FBI mentors based on how successfully they handled 1) their investigations, and 2) their supervisors. One of the best agents I ever worked with taught me that sugar gets better results than vinegar, whether you’re interviewing a terrorism suspect or explaining a late report to a supervisor.

Tony always used these two words: “Please” and “Thank you.” It didn’t make any difference if you were a clerk behind the checkout register, the FBI Director, or a scumbag we were arresting for extortion. Tony always treated people with respect. He was unfailingly polite, no matter the situation.

Likable leaders like Tony make people feel special, as though they are the only person in the room. They are able to communicate on a very personal, emotional level.

How To Make It Work For You: People may forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Make the extra effort to make everyone feel valuable—even better, really believe that everyone truly is valuable.

5. TOO SERIOUS

It’s is an inevitable truth: the more serious the FBI investigation, the more humor was needed to break through the stress.

Research has shown that humor is a great tension breaker in the workplace. When we laugh in response to something that is said, something happens in our brain. Not only is there a cognitive shift in how you view your stressors, there are emotional and physical responses that enable you to relax when you laugh.

People who are passionate and dedicated to their work often come across as too serious and uninterested in anything that isn’t related to their situation. They may or may not be seriously stressed, but they do end up missing out on valuable social moments. It’s possible to be serious, and friendly as well.

How To Make It Work For You: Usually, the most likable people in a room are those who can elicit a smile or laughter from others. You do not have to be a jokester; all you need to be is someone who can laugh easily and smile often.

6. LISTEN MORE

To be likable, you must be an active listener. This means responding with questions that confirm you are actually listening to what the other person is saying. Our time is one of our most valuable resources; when you actively listen, you are giving something very important.

How To Make It Work For You: People tend to feel good when they are the center of attention. Make empathetic statements that capture the person’s message:

  1. Notice an emotion that was conveyed in their conversation and then repeat it by asking a question—such as “So you are happy that you . . .”
  2. Rephrase a verbal message they communicated. This accomplishes two things: first, it confirms to them that you correctly heard them, and second, it allows them to talk further about it.
  3. Match their body language. If they speak in quiet tones, so should you. If they are intense, ratchet-up your style as well.

When you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. It’s a simple rule to follow.

7. SHARE TOO MUCH

Developing a tribe mentality in our work environment is important because tribes help us get behind a shared objective. We can sense a bubble of excitement and community when we’re surrounded by people with similar values. We are eager to hear our leaders tell stories that renew that sense of purpose.

While getting to know our tribes requires sharing, sharing too much about ourselves too early, or at inappropriate times, can sabotage our efforts. Instead of spewing out the nitty gritty details of your life at the first opportunity, learn about the other people in your tribe first.

Oversharing can take many forms. Sometimes it sounds a lot like bullying if we run over others in our eagerness to push our recommendations out front; other times it gives others the impression that we’re self-obsessed, in more need of a therapist or a sounding board.

How To Make It Work For You: Always be the first to give others a chance to talk. Give them the chance to be the most important person in the world. This requires a heart of humility and genuine belief in people.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

Body Language – 5 Things Your Walk Says About You

Monday, June 12th, 2017

A man once told me that he could tell I was an FBI agent by my body language. He said that I walked like I had someone important to meet. He stood up the moment I entered the room and held out his hand in a greeting.

Many people think I’m Asian when they hear my last name, Quy. Actually, it’s French Huguenot. I knew what the man I was meeting looked like because I had his driver’s license photo. How could he be so sure I was the FBI agent he was waiting to meet simply by my walk?

As a business leader and entrepreneur, the more you understand how your body language influences the people around you, the more effectively you can present your ideas with a stronger impact.

Our walk is one of the least analyzed aspects of body language, but as it turns out, our gait is often our first golden opportunity to impress others—or not. Depending how much we understand the messages were are subconsciously conveying, our walk speaks volumes as we walk down an office corridor or into a board meeting.

Here are 5 things a person’s walk projects about their confidence, credibility, and charisma. It—

1. HELPS US EVALUATE STRANGERS

Our early ancestors relied upon their ability to recognize people from a distance. They could see a lone figure on the horizon and determine whether they were friend or foe. Now, we’re more apt to recognize the car a person is driving.

Our ability to receive messages about other people by their body language, however, has not gone away. It’s an innate skill we were all born with.

TIP: These innate skills are often stored in our subconscious. To awaken them, take the time to observe people’s gait when you’re at an airport or music concert. You may not have the opportunity to tap them on the shoulder to determine if you’ve made the right assumption, but over time you’ll become more skillful in accurately interpreting what is going on with them based on their walk and other body language.

2. CONVEYS IMPORTANCE

We convey a lot of information through body language, but it’s easy to forget that our walk is sending a message as powerful as any other gesture. If we’re rushed, or deep in thought, we walk differently. I asked the man I was meeting to share with me what it was that tipped him off, he said, “You walked with an inordinate amount of confidence—quickly, like a person who values her time and the time of others.”

In other words, he could tell by my gait that I was serious and arriving for a business meeting.

People who shuffle along, hug themselves, and keep their head down often lack self-confidence.

TIP: Do not be that person! Walk with alertness and purpose, and keep your shoulders back and head held high. When you do, you are signaling to the world that you have an important place to be and an important task to accomplish.

3. COMMUNICATES OUR THOUGHTS

Recollect a time when you were at a store waiting in a long line to make your purchase. The clerk is slow. You look around and see the other employees also moving at a slow pace. They give the impression of dull minds that have no concern for others. Do you look forward to a return visit? People who give the impression that they don’t care will not be treated the same as those who communicate that they are both eager and capable.

For example, soldiers use forceful body language in marches when they use an exaggerated gait to portray both youth and vigor. For this reason, politicians often do the same thing to convey their vitality, particularly if they’re older.

TIP:

Slouching and slumped shoulders – sends the message that you don’t care, either about your appearance or your job. Instead, stand with shoulders back and chin level.

Leaning or swaying – creates the message that you’re not confident and not capable. Keep weight balanced on both feet

Slow movements – are interpreted by others to be laziness; speed is interpreted to mean both a good attitude and high energy.

Fast walkers convey a message of well being

4. INDICATES OUR LEVEL OF HEALTH & FITNESS

A former supervisor of mine went through a health crisis and overnight, his walk changed. His gait was heavier with a lower center of gravity that could indicate anything from depression to pain.

Recent research has shown that the pace of our walk is an accurate indicator of how healthy we are. Speed reflects vitality because so many organs are involved in how we move—heart, lungs, muscles, joints, and the brain.

TIP: If we give the wrong first impression, that imprint can have lasting results. So unless you really are depressed or in pain—or just plain lazy, put a spring in your step. It’s one of the easier and most effective ways of managing the first impression others have of you.

5. REVEALS FOCUS OF ENERGY

We’ve all seen people bustling and blabbering into the cell phone and then suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Chances are good that the conversation just got serious. People will stop walking and pause to focus. If they sit down, it’s likely that the conversation has gotten even more serious.

If we become angry or agitated during a cellphone conversation and do not stop, walking can subconsciously escalate the emotions that are bubbling to the surface.

TIP: In general, however, walking and talking can generate creativity so don’t hesitate to walk around your office on your phone for an extra boost of energy.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

5 Effective Ways To Stop Feeling Overwhelmed

Monday, June 5th, 2017

It’s easy to get overwhelmed while working an FBI investigation because they are solved by gathering lots of evidence and collecting reams of information. As an agent, I spent hours, days, months, and even years generating enough knowledge about an individual to decide whether evidence pointed to their innocence or guilt.

Knowledge is power, but modern technology has made information so accessible that most of us experience a surfeit of it. When that happens, our minds become overwhelmed as more and more information demands our attention.

At the dawn of the computer age, people were predicting that less paper and more technology would free us to work less and pay more attention to the most important things in our lives. Both of those predictions have been wrong; we are not only getting paid the the same but we’re expected to spend a great deal more time keeping up with technology that changes all the time.

When is technology producing information that is valuable, and when is it information to be ignored? At what point are we overwhelmed with the emails, video clips, news stories, and social media coming at us? What can we do?

Here are 5 effective things to do to stop feeling overwhelmed

1. USE MENTAL STRENGTH TO FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT STUFF

Successful leaders keep from feeling overwhelmed when they focus their attention on information that truly matters to them.

“Busy” and “not busy” are not defined by how many activities are on your plate. The reality is that there is no such thing as multitasking, even though we can address several needs at a time. Research has shown that while we’re capable of engaging in several activities at once, and still be operationally functional, our brain can give only one of those activities its complete attention.

Busy-ness is truly a state of mind, not a fact.

TIP: This means you must use mental strength to focus only on those activities that are important and not let your attention get diverted by less important things—in other words, prioritize your priorities. Begin each day with prioritizing your day’s most important activities so that you don’t end your day feeling overwhelmed by what you did not accomplish.

2. TACKLE THE HARD STUFF FIRST

If you keep from being overwhelmed, do not leave the hardest and most difficult tasks for the end of the day.

Your brain is like every other part of your body: it takes a lot of energy to run it. A typical person’s brain uses approximately 10.8 calories every hour.

Your brain takes power to run and this power drains as you use it. This explains why it’s easy to get distracted when you’re tired or hungry. If you have a difficult task in front of you, start on it while your brain is fresh and energized.

TIP: To keep from feeling overwhelmed means resisting deep instinctive tendencies to avoid what is unpleasant or produces fear within us. If the project before you seems overwhelming, break it down into smaller tasks. Smaller bites will provide you confidence and a sense of forward momentum as you chip away at the larger project. Give yourself one goal each day that will move you toward conquering it. At the end of the week, evaluate how much progress you’ve made. Then congratulate yourself.

3. GROW A PAIR AND LEARN TO SAY NO

Only robots always say “yes.” We all try to be positive and value the possibilities before us, but at some point it become ridiculous. Every single day we’re faced with temptations and inducements to keep doing more. It is so easy to get sucked into a lie about how much better our life will be if we only keep struggling to move upward—and onward.

Both life and business are getting dumped into little projects that are short-term and recyclable. We’ve become like our favorite airline and overbooked because we certainly don’t want to miss out on any margin of profit that can be squeezed from our already miserly little lives.

Take control! Here are 3 reasons you may not be able to say no:

  • Most people, and women in particular, hate letting others down and tend to take on more than they can handle. But whom are we trying to impress—others or ourselves? Often, we’re hooked on feeling needed by others so we say yes when someone comes to us for something. This is what we secretly want, so we end up feeling overwhelmed with everything that we’ve committed ourself to.
  • When faced with an unpleasant or difficult task, we welcome distractions. We’re actually relieved to be able to turn our attention somewhere else. As a result, we do not accomplish what we need to do in order to finish our tasks.
  • If we are not in control of our life, we may be so disorganized that we’re unaware of our other commitments. We end up taking on additional tasks at the expense of completing our own critical tasks.

TIP: If any of these bad habits describe you, nip them in bud and just say NO!

4. STOP BLAMING STRESS FOR EVERYTHING BAD IN YOUR LIFE

Busy people keep from feeling overwhelmed by remembering short-term stress triggers the production of immune cells that boost the body’s defenses. As a result, their brain and body get a boost.

Too little stress and you’re bored and unmotivated; too much and you become difficult to live with and risk your health.

Health psychologist Kelly McGonigal urges people to see stress as a positive. In a recent TED talk she said that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case. When you choose to look at stress as helpful, you are creating the biology of courage. And when you choose to connect with others while under stress, you can create resilience.

In her book, The Stress-Proof Brain, Dr. Melanie Greenberg talks about ways we boost our confidence levels and how we can cope with stress in constructive ways. She suggests to ask yourself these questions:

  • What helped me survive other difficult circumstances in my life?
  • Have I faced this sort of situation before?
  • What skills or personal qualities do I possess that might help me manage my stress?
  • What external resources or support can I rely on to help me deal with the stressor?

5. MAKE MEETINGS COUNT

A recent study indicates that most CEOs spend about one third of their time in meetings. It’s a lot of time and it can either be valuable time or wasted time; it’s up to you.

A financial advisor once told me that he never attended meetings that 1) did not have an agenda, and 2) a timeframe for the agenda. It’s a good rule to live by. If you are the one running the meeting, keep this in mind:

TIP:

  • Identify the topic.
  • Remind people why they’re discussing it.
  • Decide who will take ownership for the topic.
  • Put a limit on how long to be spent on the topic. If time runs over, create a sub-committee to report back to the larger group.

If you can clarify these things, everyone’s time will be well spent.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”