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No matter the time of year, or who we are, boredom can hit us when we least expect it, and we find ourselves bored with work, relationships . . . even life.

Sometimes boredom sneaks up on us; other times it signals its intention from way off in the distance. Either way, boredom is something that leaves us uninterested and unengaged with the things we’re doing.

When I was a kid, I’d say, “I’m bored. I haven’t got anything to do.” What I was really saying was this: “I don’t have anything fun to do.” As kids, we still dream. We pick activities that spark our imagination and curiosity. We learn at an early age that the remedy to boredom is adventure and exploring the unknown.

As leaders, however, we spend very little energy on adventure and a great deal of time avoiding the unknown. Sadly, many of us no longer have the passion that comes with dreams, either.

Today’s article was a guest post on Pick The Brain. To read the rest CLICK HERE

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When we were young, the purpose of life was very clear—have fun! We focused on being independent, doing things our own way, seeking adventure, and looking for the best in ourselves and others.

And then we graduated from school, got jobs, and took on adult responsibilities. Suddenly, the purpose of our life had more to do with meeting the expectations of others and less about what we wanted for ourselves.

As a result, we start to live more on the fringes of other people’s lives than in the middle of our own. But here is the thing: when we don’t live life for ourselves, it’s impossible to find fulfillment and purpose.

This is the adventure of life—to find our purpose. At the end of the day, we’re the ones who must take responsibility for the choices in life that we’ve made along the way, so we might as well live it as our best.

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Personal Identification

As an FBI agent, I relied upon a suspect’s identification to tell me the basics: name, date of birth, place of employment, and Social Security Account Number. This gave me a legal description of the individual but nothing more. To move into the personal identification, I needed to flesh out the details of the person.

Too many of us live our lives as nothing more than a legal description. We have become part of the gray masses that are indistinguishable from one another. We have not dug down to find our true character, we lack the confidence to reach for the higher goal, and are filled with too much fear to move out of our narrow comfort zone so we can become a bigger person.

Personal identification is a means for each of us to work towards finding our purpose in life. It takes work because we want to create the life we want to live, and not a version of what someone else thinks will work for us.

Over the next few months, I’ll be talking, and writing, more about Personal Identification and will break it down into the development of three areas: professional development, personal achievement, and spiritual growth. We’ll take a look at how to find our purpose in all three areas of life.

Let’s start with professional development.

Who Are You At Work?

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Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, an the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the way only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. Stay hungry. Stay foolish.”  Steve Jobs

Less than twenty percent of Americans can answer the following questions with any clarity. How would you answer them?

• What is my job?
• What about my job really counts?
• How well am I doing?
• Is my job an expression of my personal values?
• Can I list my 5 top personal values?
• In my job, am I building a life of success, but not of significance?
• What can I (or my employer) do to help me become more passionate about my current role?
• Is there another job I’d rather be doing?
• Why aren’t I doing it?

There is a silent killer that stalks America and it is called “rustout.” It’s actually even scarier than “burnout” because, while burnout can wear down your body, rustout can wipe out your soul and spirit.

“Rustout is the slow death that follows when we stop making the choices that keep life alive. It’s the feeling of numbness that comes from taking the safe way, never accepting new challenges, continually surrendering to the day-to-day routine. Rustout means we are no longer growing, but at best, are simply maintaining. It implies that we have traded the sensation of life for the security of a paycheck . . . Rustout is the opposite of burnout. Burnout is overdoing . . . rustout is underbeing.”

Richard Leider and Steve Buchholtz, The Rustout Syndrome

Write down ways you can stretch yourself in the next few months. How well did you answer the work questions with clarity? Which ones were the most difficult? Why? What areas of rustout do you suffer at work?

You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy

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People who are personally empowered know that happiness is an inside job. They don’t wait for someone else to make them happy and they can take care of their own needs for affection.

You Are Responsible For Your Own Actions

In other words, there is no finger pointing and blaming others for your lack of performance. You are willing to take responsibility for your actions. OK, so now it’s very obvious that most political candidates have no personal empowerment—they are just power hungry.

I make this distinction between power and personal empowerment because they are two very different things and people often assume that to be empowered is to be powerful.

Wrong.

This article was a guest post on Liz Strauss at Successful Blog. To read the rest of the article, click here:

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Good leadership begins with you. Everyone talks about developing good leadership skills. The truth is that the only person who can really teach you how to be the best leader is . . . you.

It’s tempting to rely on an expert to show you how to mine the hidden truths about good leadership. The bookshelves are stuffed with leadership assessments and techniques. They can all add value but they cannot answer the most important questions: Who are you and what do you believe?

No expert can tease those answers out into the open except you, no matter how much money you spend or how hard they try. A lack of self-awareness and self-knowledge produces a leader who is grounded only in the latest model or theory—a little like switching religion when the going gets tough or when something better comes along.

Models and Theories

I wrote a blog a few weeks back that talked about how I used different strategies as an FBI agent to surround the foreign spies I was trying to recruit to work for the U.S. government. An individual commented and asked why I didn’t use a leadership model that is currently very popular in training circles.

In actuality, there is nothing wrong with the leadership model he mentioned, but he missed the point because anytime you’re dealing with people, models and theories can only guide a leader so far. At some point, good leadership comes out of what is inside of you.

To paraphrase the venerable Jim Collins, if you’re a leader who doesn’t know who you are and what makes you tick, you will never move from good to great.

I relied on sound theories and dependable models when leading a team, but I distinguished my investigation from the others in the pack by drawing from my personal strengths. I’m not talking about the strengths that come from a skills assessment—I’m talking about the strength of character that girds and sustains us when we’re not sure where else to turn to or who else to trust. This is the type of self-awareness and self-knowledge that is our true north in any situation.

No Ego, Please

The admonition to become more self-aware can create a point of stickiness because many leaders can be self-absorbed. This is the opposite of what I’m talking about. A leader who is self-aware has not only accepted their weaknesses, they’ve faced them head on and have learned how to manage them as well. There is no room for fantasies or ego.

The heart of good leadership is connecting with others so they will follow us. Like the Wizard of Oz, people will only follow a promise for so long before they pull back the curtain to get a good look at who is behind it. Don’t let them see an empty suit.

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Key Areas of Awareness

People are diverse and complex which is why it’s hard at times to accurately interpret our reaction to different situations. Here are key areas for self-awareness and self-knowledge:

1. Personality

• Remember that it does not change as you age
• Spot ways it impacts the way in which you interact with others
• Identify your strengths and assets
• Recognize your weaknesses and vulnerabilities
• Create opportunities that allow you to thrive
• Minimize situations that trigger the less desirable personality traits

2. Personal Values

• Make a list of values that are important to you.
• Prioritize the following values: honesty, self-awareness, listening to others, attentiveness, spirituality, authenticity, gratitude, trust, gentleness, humility, courage, self-knowledge, self-discipline, patience, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, charity, freedom, generosity, peace, joy, hope, and decisiveness.
• Think of times they have provided direction in your life
• Identify how you keep sight of your most important personal values in the busyness of your day-to-day activities

3. Patterns

• Recognize that you are a creature of habit and are predictable in your response to the unknown, the unexpected, and the uninvited events in your life
• Identify the patterns that emerge in those responses
• Distinguish between the patterns that are beneficial and those that interfere with your effectiveness and productivity.
• Pinpoint the patterns that help you succeed and minimize those that impede your progress.

4. Emotions

• Identify the emotions that reveal themselves most often
• Name the ones that rarely reveal themselves
• Recognize the triggers for negative emotions
• Make an association between your emotion and your behavior
• Consider that awareness of your emotions leads to greater control over them

Good leadership begins with self. You will always be the best expert on you—no matter how much you pay a consultant or coach.

How can you begin to reflect on your daily experiences to gain more self-awareness and self-knowledge? Do you want to make that commitment even if it means you’ll need to eliminate something else? What external factors will help you be faithful to the process? What doubts do you have about digging deeper into understanding yourself better?

I’d love to hear from you.

You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy

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The holidays—they are the best of times, and the worst of times. Long lines test our patience. We have places to be and things to do.

We know we need to be more patient, but it’s stressful maintaining all that relentless good cheer, gritting our teeth and chugging through the crowds in shopping malls, a smile frozen on our lips.

We try not to think of the extra calories, boring cocktail parties, and Christmas presents that seem to take a bigger chunk out of our budget every year.

And—oh yes, did I mention the need for more patience?

That Thing Called Stress

The holidays tend to bring out the best, and the worst, in our personalities, too. Time is a precious commodity and most of us like to think that we’re very special in that regard—that perhaps our time is a little more important than anyone else’s.

We take great pains to protect our time and usually end up passing those pains along to those around us. Our moods suffer from the stress that is produced during unusually busy times like the holidays. Stress is a physical reaction to a “fight or flight” response that triggers hormones like adrenalin and cortisol to surge through our body.

Not all stress is bad, and a certain amount is needed to keep us alert and active. One of the primary sources of stress for many of us is our lack of patience—whether it’s waiting in lines, slow computers, traffic jams, or arriving late for meetings.

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Life As A Surveillance Agent

As a young FBI agent, I was assigned to a six-month rotation on the surveillance squad. Our motto was “hurry up and wait.” Preparations were frantic as we bustled to get into place, only to sit for hours as we waited on the subject of our investigation. “The package is on the move” was music to our ears because we had grown impatient waiting for something to happen. Activity reminds us we’re still in the game, with something important to contribute.

Investigations are a process, not a single event that either happens or not. Life is a little like that, too—a process that unfolds over time, requiring patient effort and unselfish care.

A lack of patience is the trademark of ego. We want to see ourselves as being in control of our own destiny and resent the delays that interrupt our plans. Suddenly, the focus is not on us and our ego suffers a blow.

People who are impatient often have a hard time putting themselves in the shoes of others. It requires compassion and sensitivity, as well as the ability to put aside their own feelings and thoughts for a moment. Instead of citing rules, giving advice or criticizing, try tuning into the needs of others.

As I learned during my six months on the surveillance squad, patience is a skill that can be developed. We aren’t born patient—think of babies demanding the satisfaction of being fed. You and I have not changed that much; we still get red-faced and angry when our immediate needs are not being met.

A Few Tips . . .

Here are three tips to help you become more patient:

1. Remember That Life Is Not All About You

This is very difficult for most of us because we really would like to be our own God. We have constant reminders like knots in the stomach, tense muscles, and flares of tempers that things are not going our way. Then our thoughts usually turn to something like, “I have never seen such incompetence . . . how could they do something so stupid . . . don’t they realize . . . are they ignorant . . . did they do that on purpose . . .” Sound familiar? We all have these conversations—with luck, they are just in our head.

Here is a key test: if the annoyance is something that you will remember in one year, then it is probably significant enough to address. Otherwise, grow up . . .

2. Distinguish Between Pain and Discomfort

We have become quite comfortable with our way of life. We have expectations and we request they be honored and respected. When our expectations are not met, we become very annoyed. As a result, we try to change the other person, place, or thing that we believe is causing our discomfort. Sometimes they do need changing, but it is our reaction to them that is causing the emotional damage. Our attitude is what can cause the discomfort, not the circumstances.

Most of the time when we find ourselves losing patience with someone or something, it’s not real pain we’re dealing with but our unmet expectations.

3. Get Curious About Yourself

Use your ego to spend time on your favorite topic—you! Get curious about what is happening inside you when you become critical and impatient with anyone. A good way to start is by noticing how often are you impatient with yourself. Self-awareness is one of the first steps toward personal development. Consider these questions:

• What sparks your impatience?
• What steps can you take to slow your pace to more fully attend to the reactions within yourself?
• What steps can you take so that you do not make the same demands of people that you make of machines?
• How do you respond to anger in yourself and others?
• Can you recognize the difference between waiting patiently and resistance to taking action?
• How much patience do you have when waiting for others to give you the details you need for a decision?
• When have you experienced new self-awareness or insight unfolding itself to you in a way that is almost imperceptible?
• What causes you to examine an experience rather than glance at it and move on?
• How have developments in technology made patience more difficult for you?

While patience can build stronger relationship and create more success, the longer lasting effect of patience is the ability to observe ourselves, and the world, as it unfolds around us.

You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy

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Who are you becoming? With every day that passes and every decision you make, you are either getting closer to who you want to be or you’re taking a step back.

Who a person is becoming is much more important than who they’ve been in the past. Take an inventory of your personal values to see where you are headed. All of the actions, choices, decisions, experiences, and people that you included in your personal inventory of values are pointing to the person you are becoming.

“I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character,” Oscar Wilde (from his prison cell).

Why are Personal Values Important?

Personal values drive our behavior. We react and take actions based on our priorities in life. How—and when—do these priorities take such a stronghold on us? Think back . . .

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” We’ve all been asked this question at some point in our childhood. No one asks a child, “Who are you?” So the trend starts early to latch onto a title that promises to give us what we want or allows us to be remembered for something important. As a child, I felt hard-pressed to say something exotic so everyone would be jealous of the life I was to have.

The focus on achievement and what we are going to do in life begins very early and stays with us for most of our adult life. The question of who we are going to become in that process is often ignored—until a crisis reminds us that life is not as fulfilling as we had hoped it to be. That crisis can be a death in the family, divorce, personal conflict, unemployment, or simply coming to the realization that “life is what happened when you were busy making other plans.”

Where Do Values Come From?

Many of our personal values are instilled during our upbringing—parents, teachers, and authority figures that we admire. The region, country, and generation in which we grew up also strongly influence the values that provide our north star and guide our life.

While we are most malleable when we’re young, we can be strongly influenced as adults as well. As a new FBI agent reporting into my first office in Phoenix, I was assigned to the bank robbery squad. Very often the description of a bank robber was sketchy at best because most of them tried to hide or disguise their face in some way. We called them “UNSUBS” or unidentified subjects and they made up a fair number of our caseload.

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We got a tip from a citizen that someone matching a UNSUB from a recent bank robbery was spotted at a nightclub in downtown Phoenix. The squad rendezvoused nearby and we approached the guy—I couldn’t tell if it was our bank robber and neither could anyone else, so we agreed to let him go.

One agent, however, was more diligent and thorough. We had lifted fingerprints of the UNSUB from the bank’s countertop. The agent suggested manually matching up fingerprints before we let him go. It’s a labor intensive and tedious way to match fingerprints in this day and age, but we did not have enough probable cause to arrest him to get the electronically read fingerprints.

So, with a flashlight in one hand and the UNSUB’s fingerprint file in the other, the agent took the time to trace the whorls—and lo and behold, it was a match!

My attitude shifted a little that day—and the importance of perseverance climbed a little higher on my list and has come to embody one of my primary personal values.

The Benefits of Knowing Your Values

Personal values give us direction in the way we live our life. Without them, we muddle around and let life happen to us. We wander from one thing to another, trying to “find ourselves.”

To live intelligently and with purpose, know your values. They will help you to:

1. Create a clear guideline for your actions.

• You will be less likely to chase after something that does not fit into what you truly want to accomplish in life.

2. Help you make good choices.

• Good choices are those that are consistent with your personal values. The choices you make determine finding people, places, and things that are compatible with your values.

3. Live with integrity.

• Live true to your values and you will feel more at peace. You will also feel more fulfilled because you are being true to yourself.

Don’t let the question of who you are becoming be left ignored. Otherwise, obstacles and crises in life can leave you feeling confused about your direction in life.

You are becoming someone: the question is whether or not it’s whom you want to be. Be sure your words and choices reflect the type of person you want to become.

Have you completed a personal values inventory in the past year? Have you shared thoughts about your values with others? What are the personal values that are most affecting your lifestyle at the moment? How important are they to you in the long term?

You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy