5 Ways A Strong Mind Can Boost Your Confidence

January 11th, 2015 by LaRae Quy

FBI Firearms instructors train new agents to shoot correctly. This means sight alignment, trigger control, and breath control. Focus on the sights, not the target. The target should be blurry.

Resilient - jumping bridge

Four times a year agents re-qualify with their weapon on the range. The only time I handled my gun was at firearms training because I worked counterintelligence—we don’t usually shoot foreign spies!

I was not feeling confident as I joined a mock arrest team with raised paint guns. I went through the back door and into the kitchen. Right, clear. Left, clear. Overhead, clear. 

Firearms instructors were hiding out in the abandoned house. To be shot with a paint gun was better than the real thing, but still, I didn’t feel comfortable.

That feeling got worse when a paint gun fired as I went through a doorway. I looked at a team member, a guy from the Organized Crime squad. We were better shots than the instructor so he went down with Pepto Bismo pink splattered on his chest.

I’m pretty sure it came from my colleague’s gun. I couldn’t wait to get back to the safety of my office in the city.

Like many others, I preferred to stick to a comfortable environment because 1) it was familiar, and 2) I was at my best at what I did. At that time, reaching the top meant investigating the activities of foreign intelligence officers, and as a goal-oriented person, there was great feeling of accomplishment.

The problem with reaching our goal by making it to the top is that we don’t go to the next level.

Why? Because going to the next level means we’ll be starting at the bottom again. It’s uncomfortable—we’re out of our comfort zone and we’ll have to work harder to be the best.

But to get something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done. 

Here are 5 ways a strong mind can boost your confidence:

1. Strong Minds Don’t Neglect The Amazing People Around Them

They are motivated by people who are smarter, brighter, and more experienced. 

Strong minds know these are the people who will give them a reason to push themselves harder.

Ultimately, they will also be better.

Look for opportunities to be surrounded by people who are performing at the next level. This is the environment in which you will grow and learn. You will challenge yourself and emerge stronger and more confident in your abilities.

2. Strong Minds Don’t Need To Always Be Right

They are willing to do things that they are not quite prepared to do.

They know that is how they grow—not playing it safe until they are 100% sure they will be a success. When they’re not sure they can do something, and they push through those moments, they have a breakthrough.

Lack of confidence is the most common reason people avoid taking the next step in their career. They are afraid of failing, but even if you fall flat on your face, you are still moving forward. 

Strong minds abandon the need for perfection. It’s more important to grow and learn about yourself in the process.

3. Strong Minds Don’t Hide From New Life Experiences

They embrace the rapid iteration of trial and error.

As children, we were naturally creative; trial-and-error is how we played. Back then, we were confident in our ability to play.

As adults, we are no longer as confident of our ability to problem solve so we avoid the challenges that come with taking it to the next level.

If you have the confidence and courage to try new strategies, each iteration will bring you closer to finding a solution or making a connection. This produces a feel-good neurological response as the rush of adrenaline hits our system. Adrenaline is a hormone that motivates us and makes us more confident in our abilities.

4. Strong Minds Strengthen Their Good Attitude Muscle

They know that success is not skill or talent; it is an attitude.

Research by Carol Dweck has found that often the brightest people are not the most successful ones. Some of the brightest people avoid challenges, dislike working hard, and wilt in the face of difficulty.

Confidence grows out of being a go-getter, thriving on challenges, persisting when things get difficult, and accomplishing more than expected.

5. Strong Minds Know That Finding The Lesson Is Key

They aren’t afraid to try new hobbies or place themselves in situations where there is a high likelihood of failure.

One of the best ways to build your confidence is to learn a different skill-set by starting a new pastime. Your ego is not as invested in an avocation as it is in your career, so it will feel less threatened if you fail.  

You will have accomplished something just by trying. Whether you like it or not, you have learned something and can take confidence in the fact that you pushed yourself.

If you fail, or have a setback, you will know how it feels. Notice how you respond and take the time to learn from both the experience and your response. The more you understand how you respond to situations where you experience failure, you better you can craft the reaction you want.

Each time, you will build confidence in not only what you’ve accomplished, but how you deal with disappointment, rejection, or failure. What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger—and more confident.

To build your confidence, you will need swim against your fear of failing as if the quality of life depends on it.

Because it does.

What resonated the most with you?

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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The Real Reasons You Let Uncertainty Hold You Back

January 4th, 2015 by LaRae Quy

I will never forget the first day I ever shot a gun. I was on the firing line at the FBI Academy and holding a Smith & Wesson .38 revolver. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating—I was filled with uncertainty and worried that I would not shoot well enough to qualify.

rsz_uncertainty_-_frog

Experiencing uncertainty is different than taking a risk. Risk involves a known probability that something will, or will not happen; uncertainty, however, indicates the probabilities are unknown.

Therefore, we cannot predict an outcome.

How many of us have missed tremendous opportunities and experiences because we’ve chosen to walk away when faced with uncertainty?

But avoiding challenges is a form of self-sabotage—it is holding onto self-limiting beliefs about what we can do in life. 

Mental toughness is the ability to break unproductive patterns of behavior. It is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success.

Here are three ways you can be mentally tough and not let uncertainty hold you back:

 

1. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO DO NOT THINK LIKE YOU

You do not let uncertainty hold you back when you hang around people who encourage you to push your boundaries and try new things.

When we surround ourselves with information that matches our beliefs, we subconsciously limit our exposure to views and opinions that are different from our own. Different views may threaten our comfortable way of thinking by challenging us with new aspirations. 

If you see yourself in a certain way, and that image is bolstered by the people with whom you surround yourself, you will continue to act and behave in ways that is consistent with that image.

Tip:

  • Break away from people who keep you tethered to your self-limiting beliefs.
  • Spend time with people who have different points of view from your own.
  • Learn from their experiences.
  • Embark on a new adventure or destination.
  • Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable–and even fail at first, as you discover new strengths, skills, and talents.

 

2. NEVER CONFUSE MEMORIES WITH FACTS

You do not let uncertainty hold you back when you recognize that your recollection of the past is not always accurate.

Our memories are fallible, and yet we often treat them as more reliable than current observation or data.

Our memory does not store information exactly as it’s presented to us. Instead, we extract the gist of the experience and store it in ways that makes the most sense to us. That’s why different people witnessing the same event often have different versions.

Tip:

  • Remember that your confirmation bias stores information that is consistent with your own beliefs, values, and self-image. 
  • Recognize that memories do not always provide you with accurate information.
  • Revisit the facts of a memory freighted with self-limiting beliefs so you can gain a more accurate perspective on the event.

 

3. BE CAUTIOUS WITH STEREOTYPES

You do not let uncertainty hold you back when you resist the temptation to rely on stereotypes to help you think fast.

Researcher Daniel Kahneman describes how we can think fast by using stereotypes, rules of thumb, and jumping to conclusions. Thinking fast is incredibly efficient, usually accurate, and essential to our survival. Most importantly, it frees up our thinking for other things.

However, thinking fast also creates errors in specific situations. Our brain is so wedded to stereotypes that we rely upon them even when they defy logic—especially when the stereotype is a self-limiting belief about ourselves.

Tip:

  • Recognize that much of the way in which you categorize and sort information is accurate.
  • Evaluate your rules of thumb, however, on a regular basis to ensure that your information is up to date and  non-prejudicial.
  • Be alert for stereotypes that place limits—either on others or yourself.
  • Be aware of potential pitfalls when making snap decisions and judgments.

 

4. NEVER TAKE CONFIDENCE FOR GRANTED

You do not let uncertainty hold you back when you are mindful about the confidence you place in yourself and others.

If you are smart, you will always test the ground before taking a step into the unknown. That is not lack of confidence; that is old-fashioned self-preservation.

One of my favorite stories about a smart leader is a man named Gideon whose story is found in the Bible

Gideon was an agile and innovative thinker who had found a clever way to hide food from hostile invaders by putting his winepress to double use—he turned it into a sunken threshing floor.

When he is visited by God and asked to save Israel from the invaders, he didn’t jump into a task for which he was ill-prepared. He admitted he was feeling inadequate and expressed his doubts.  

Gideon took the time to think about God’s proposal, rather than letting his ego answer for him. Gideon asked for 3 confirmations from God that he was the right man for the job. He received all 3 confirmations and went on to fight, and overthrow, the invaders.

Tip:

  • Self-confidence is humble and not afraid to ask for verification from others—even God!
  • Self-confidence takes the time to assess the situation before jumping in.

What are some of the reasons uncertainty holds you back?

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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5 Harsh Reasons You Don’t Seize Opportunities

December 21st, 2014 by LaRae Quy

As a child, I loved taking risks. Growing up around rattlesnakes, barbed wire fences, and frisky horses that liked to kick the saddle out of my hands, there was very little I thought I couldn’t do.

Mistake - bear

The key was putting my mind to it.

With age comes wisdom—or so I thought. As an adult, I was less amenable to taking risk. I was very strategic about relationships, careers, and spiritual formation. And I realize that there is a place for strategy, as long as it does not make your thinking soft.

Soft thinking is the opposite of mental toughness. If you suffer from soft thinking, you are afraid of seizing opportunities because you are afraid that your emotions, thoughts, or behavior might spin out of control—or, you are afraid to leave your comfort zone.

As it turns out, the key to managing risk is still in our mind.

There is no way to sugar-coat it—you’re afraid of risk and don’t seize the opportunities in your life because you don’t:

 

1. EMBRACE A LITTLE TERROR IN YOUR LIFE

Strong minds seize opportunities because they allow themselves to be terrified—quite often. As a result, terror is a feeling that they are familiar with.

If you continually place yourself in situations where there is a little risk involved and the outcome is not known, your comfort zone is stretched.

Our brain likes to feel comfortable and seeks pleasure over pain. That’s why we’re tempted to abandon ship at the first sign of distress.

Our desire to avoid losses is almost twice as powerful as our desire to take a risk. This explains why we often walk away or fail to recognize new opportunities.

If you start your day without feeling a little terror from the challenges before you, you’re not pushing yourself hard enough.

 

2. THINK FAST ENOUGH TO MOVE AHEAD OF THE HERD

Strong minds seize opportunities because their minds are agile and flexible.

Thinking fast is automatic, frequent, emotional, stereotypic, and subconscious. It means we can throw out long debates in favor of snap judgments and hard-wired rules of thumb that have served us well in the past.

Thinking fast is driven by your past experiences and memories. If you move into your discomfort zone on a regular basis, you frequently experience doses of terror and uncertainty. As a result, your mind does not get mired down with fear when new opportunities present themselves.

Fast thinking is efficient and effective, and essential if we want to seize opportunities in the fast-moving world of life and business.

 

3. THINK FORWARD WITH CREATIVITY AND INNOVATION

Strong minds seize opportunities because they do not allow themselves to get stuck in a rut.

In business and life, the comfort zone has never been a good place to be. It may feel comfortable but then we face another kind of risk: one of being irrelevant, obsolete—and extinct.

If you plan to think forward, you will need to continually question conventional wisdom, reinvent your work, and welcome disruptive innovation.

In short, you will need to live in a petri dish in which you are continually experimenting with new ideas and maneuvering in a perpetual zone of distress and uncertainty—and sometimes, even embarrassment.

 

4. MOVE ON FROM THE PAST

Strong minds seize opportunities because they learn from their past mistakes so they don’t repeat them.

Our ability to think fast and think forward is determined by our brain, and our past behavior.

As children, our brains were flexible, creative, and unpredictable. As adults, however, our brain becomes more rigid—anything with unvaried repetition like careers, cultural activities, and skills all lead to rigidity.

Once we make the same decision a second or third time, a habit is formed, and one that becomes quite inflexible.

Rigid patterns of thinking tend to become self-sustaining over time. Habits of behavior produced from past failure is not the same thing as learning from a mistake.

Habits are often a default reaction that leads to rigid thinking; learning, on the other hand, requires a flexible mindset that is always collecting and processing new information.

Often, we are not aware of these rigid patterns of thinking until we pinpoint their genesis in our memory. At that point, we recognize them for what they are and are able to move on from them.

Turn your ghosts into ancestors.

 

5. FEED YOUR CURIOSITY

Strong minds seize opportunities because they are always looking for new things to do, and once they are engaged, they turn their full attention to it.

Researchers have found that curiosity is the single necessary condition for creating a flexible and agile mind.

When we are curious, we are engaged. Giving a subject our full attention and concentration is important if we want our brain to be more flexible and agile. It’s also important that, once we thoroughly understand a subject, we move on to something else.

To keep the brain fit, we must learn something new, rather than simply replaying already-mastered skills.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Never lose a holy curiosity—Albert Einstein

How have you taken a risk and seized an opportunity?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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3 Smart Ways You Can Embrace Risk

December 14th, 2014 by LaRae Quy

Effective FBI counterintelligence agents know that a basic question to be answered before a foreign spy can be recruited to work for the U.S. government is this: what kind of risk taker is the spy?

Risk - mouse in mug

By definition, risk means a situation involving exposure to danger. In the case of a foreign spy, the danger was getting caught and ending up in jail for treason—or worse.

Like many others, I tend to fear what I don’t understand. Taking risks has never been easy for me, whether it was getting married or applying for a new job. 

Our avoidance of risk is rooted from negative experiences that bruised our ego and are still lodged in our memory. Avoiding risks to life and health are common sense—most of the time. 

However, there is no success without risk. Risk-aversion is a common tactic that substitutes deliberate ignorance for thoughtful planning.

A leader’s ability to make their own luck is closely woven into their ability to take smart risks, and their ability to take smart risks has a profound impact on happiness and life satisfaction. 

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark—Michelangelo

Here are 3 smart ways you can embrace risk and find true success:

 

1. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS

Smart leaders embrace risk by listening to what their gut instinct is telling them.

Research at the Brain and Creativity Institute has shown that gut-thinking is a good idea because there is a relationship between emotions, rational thinking, and our physical body. When we’ve accurately processed our emotions, they often accelerate our decision making process in the form of intuitions, hunches, and gut feelings.

For example, your brain can predict an outcome based on your perceptions (outside information) and your emotions (inside information). This combination of information results in a physical sensation—a gut feeling.

The quicker we get in touch with our emotions, the quicker we make our decisions. A good rule of thumb is not to just remember facts about past situations and their subsequent outcome—but also recall how you felt at the time.

Associating fact and emotion is critical to cultivating intuition, hunches, and gut feelings.

 

2. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR BRAIN

Smart leaders embrace risk by rewiring their brain to learn new skills.

Until recently, the brain was regarded as an immutable organ that did not change after early childhood.

Researchers Mike Merzenich and Norman Doidge have demonstrated that the brain has the ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections—and this continues throughout life.

When we are faced with risk, we no longer need to revert to the same negative feelings that we once felt. If we take charge of our brain, we can train it to change its response to new situations and changes in our environment. 

We are no longer captive to the way we once thought about risk. Our memories, behaviors, responses, and habits are not our destiny! We have more control over the way our brain thinks than we once believed.

 

3. CHANGE THE WAY YOUR BRAIN LOOKS AT RISK

Smart leaders embrace risk by changing their brain to look at risk differently.

You can do this by focusing your attention on the things in life that are most important. Wherever your attention goes, energy follows.

Most importantly, what comes to the attention of your brain also molds your way of thinking. Mental toughness is controlling your thoughts to get the results you are after.

Start by intentionally noticing where your attention is at any given moment. Follow these 3 steps:

  1. What is happening in your body at that same moment? Are you feeling calm or a sense of panic?
  2. What is it about where your attention is focused that makes you feel this way? Is it a thought from your past that keeps playing in your head like a broken record? Or, is it exactly where you want to be?
  3. What do you need to do to shift your attention in a different direction?

Since we now know that the brain is constantly seeking stimulation and rewards, it’s easier to understand how our fear of risk and avoidance of failure impacts what captures our attention. 

A continuous molding of the brain is essential to knowing how to take smart risks. As with any skill, the more you practice and do it, the more natural it becomes.

Smart risk-taking can become a habit, like anything else. The simple practice of noticing where our attention is and bringing it back to where we want it to be plays a vital role in rewiring the way our brain looks at risk and uncertainty. 

By repeating the three steps above, you will begin to develop the habits necessary to take small, smart risks. Once we identify habits that add value to our decision-making process, we can take a closer look at the ones we struggle with, and the ones that are holding us back from having the life we want.

The risk not taken is the opportunity lost—LaRae Quy

What risks have you taken that have brought you satisfaction in life and business?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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5 Powerful Ways You Can Create A Strong Mind

December 7th, 2014 by LaRae Quy

As an FBI agent working counterintelligence cases, I learned that ignoring problems in investigations will not make them go away. They must be worked through and not allowed to become a barrier in finding the answer.

Mental toughness - water buffalo

Working through problems is not limited to FBI investigations. Breaking through the barriers that show up in life and business takes mental toughness to look them straight in the eye so you can manage your emotions, behavior, and thoughts in a way that will set you up for success.

In our country, barriers are synonymous with failure and shame. Barriers are things to be avoided so we can keep moving toward our goal. However, contrary to how we think about problems and barriers, they are not the problem—it is the way in which we respond to them that holds us back. 

The way in which we look at barriers is as important to living a full life as how we pursue meaningful activities and build healthy relationships. No matter our age, our mental toughness is created by our ability to cope with the challenges of life.

Here are 5 powerful ways you can use a strong mind to break through your barriers:

 

1. Acknowledge The Junk That’s Showing Up In Your Life  

Create a strong mind by being honest about the problems, barriers, and other junk in your life.

Pretending that your life is great is not doing you, or anyone else, any good. Every aspect of physical and emotional growth arrives outside of your comfort zone. Have the courage to move forward if the risks feel right. Stretch yourself even if it means feeling uncomfortable. 

Barriers are things to push against to grow stronger. 

If you’re not a little bit uncomfortable on a daily basis it means you’re not growing. If you’re not a little bit scared everyday, you’re not learning. And when you’re not learning, you’re done.

 

2. Create The Will To Move Forward

 

Create a strong mind by lighting a fire in your belly—fight back!

How you handle your fears will ultimately determine where you go and what you do with your life. It is your choice to live fully—or be incapacitated by the fear of the challenges and barriers that are inevitable if you plan to move forward. 

A desire to fight back keeps you in control. The key is to acknowledge your fear by confronting it face to face. This tactic robs fear of its power. 

 

3. Stop Pretending It Doesn’t Matter

Create a strong mind by admitting you have to move through a barrier to reach a goal is important to you!

Admitting defeat to a barrier means we are acknowledging limitations, but more often than not, barriers are those things in life we come across that are simply self-limiting beliefs about what we can or cannot do. 

Our first reaction is to pretend crashing through the barrier isn’t important—we make up excuses for our failure. We maintain the illusion that the walls surrounding us are not really keeping us imprisoned or in a rut. 

Remember, the only difference between a coffin and a rut are the dimensions.

 

4. Learn To Be A Bad Ass

Create a strong mind by building the confidence you can kick butt!

Many people never break through barriers to live a fuller life because they lack the confidence to do so. Lack of confidence holds many people back simply because they don’t think they’re ready. 

The truth is that nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. 

Opportunities and barriers are two sides of the same coin: they force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we may not always feel confident at first. 

Confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and being too scared to move forward. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more likely you’ll succeed.

 

5. Embrace The Life That God Has Given You

Create a strong mind by finding the positive aspects of your situation!

  • Sometimes things must change so you can change. 
  • Sometimes you must break a little so you can peek inside to see the power of your own life and story.
  • Sometimes mistakes must be made so wisdom can be earned.
  • Sometimes rejecting barriers and obstacles is to reject life itself.

How have you broken through the barriers you faced in life and business?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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7 Mistakes Leaders With Mental Toughness Never Make

November 30th, 2014 by LaRae Quy

While in the FBI Academy, I learned that much of our physical ability is determined by the limitations of our body. Mental toughness, however, is something that can be learned and developed. 

Adversity - soaring above it

Whether it was working undercover or recruiting foreign spies to work with the U.S. Government, I was frequently confronted with the reality of physical limitations. For example—it’s often difficult to get introduced to the subject of an undercover investigation, and not every foreign spy wants to meet an FBI agent in person!

Grit, however, kept me moving forward—especially when things didn’t go according to plan. I never made the mistake of believing that just because a way out, or through, a situation was not obvious that there weren’t ways around those roadblocks. What I needed was mental toughness to push through the barriers I encountered.

Here are 7 mistakes that leaders with mental toughness never make:

1. ACT AS THOUGH THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM

Leaders with mental toughness never cede control of their future to others. 

Instead of focusing on what they can’t control, like traffic jams and delayed flights, they spend their energy on those things they can control. Sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

Often, life is not what is happening to you; rather, it is life responding to your attitude about your situation.

Trying to control things takes up a lot of energy that could be put to better use. A strong mind can adapt and thrive—even when the going gets tough.

2. STOP FLIRTING WITH FAILURE

Leaders with mental toughness always do something that they’re not ready to do because they know that’s how they grow.

When you stop flirting with failure, you stop pushing the boundaries of your talents and skills. Always assume you don’t know enough—because you don’t. There is always more you can learn, about yourself and others.

Breakthroughs happen over time, one experiment and one failure at a time, as our understanding of the challenges we face broadens. Often our success comes by trial-and-error, false starts, and experimentation. In the process, we grow and learn a lot more about ourselves.

3. LET FEAR KEEP THEM TRAPPED

Leaders with mental toughness never confuse feeling fear with feeling gutless.

FBI agents know that emotions like fear and anger are OK. It’s complacency that will kill them.

A little emotion keeps them on their toes. Their awareness of the fear doesn’t mean they back away from the unknown because they don’t know what they’ll find; instead, they move through their fear with caution and strategy.

Fear is often associated with adventure precisely because we are so aware of our emotions at that moment. And guess what—we feel alive!

It’s fear that usually stops us from living a fulfilling life, but it’s also fear that shows us what really matters in life.

4. SPIN THEIR WHEELS IN A RUT

Leaders with mental toughness always push themselves outside their comfort zone.

Your comfort zone is a dangerous place—it can turn into a dark and deep abyss where it’s possible to lose yourself entirely in mediocrity. Staying in your comfort zone is giving up on life.

Get out of your rut and experience breakthroughs by pushing through the discomfort and uncertainty you are feeling. Strong minds continually expand their boundaries and enlarge their territory, both personally and professionally.

5. WORRY ABOUT MAKING MISTAKES

Leaders with mental toughness do not waste time on yesterday’s mistakes.

Instead, they look at their mistakes as opportunities to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right. They learn from their past mistakes so they can make better decisions in the future.

What is not acceptable is making the same mistakes over and over—if you do, you’re either stupid or incompetent.

Life is hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid—John Wayne

6. BLAME OTHERS FOR THEIR SITUATION IN LIFE

Leaders with mental toughness rely on backbones rather than wishbones to make their success happen.

No one is owed anything in life. We were born, and at some point, we must take responsibility for where we end up. If we want something, it’s up to us to make it happen.

This may come as a big shock to lots of people, but there are no handouts in life. So stop whining, pointing fingers, or blaming others when things don’t work out.

7. CONSIDER THEMSELVES A VICTIM

Leaders with mental toughness always find the positive and run with it.

It can be difficult, but strong minds identify and replace overly negative thoughts with ones that are more positive and productive. Studies show that positive thinkers are more likely to listen to negative information than pessimists, because they think they can do something about it.

To keep moving through storms, shed negativity like a raincoat sheds water. You may be discouraged, but never a victim.

Often mental toughness becomes most apparent in the midst of adversity. Be smart—develop skills now that will increase your mental strength when you do hit one of life’s inevitable obstacles.

What in this post resonated the most with you? What other mistakes do mentally tough leaders never make?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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How The Power Of Gratitude Can Lead You To Success

November 23rd, 2014 by LaRae Quy

Training as an FBI agent never stops—whether its firearms, physical fitness, or polishing investigative techniques. Sound exhausting? It is, and failure to perform can have serious impact on performance ratings and future success. 

Emotional Intelligence - blue leopard eyes

The Power of Gratitude Can Lead You To Success

The constant exercise of muscles, sharpening of thought patterns, and control of emotions that affect behavior were essential if we wanted to remain in peak shape as successful investigators.

Similarly, mental toughness is how you manage your thoughts, behavior, and emotions in ways that will set you up for success.

Whether you’re investigating the activities of a foreign spy, trying to navigate the politics of your work environment, or starting a new business—mental toughness requires keeping in shape to meet the challenges you will be facing.

While adding emotions as a component of mental toughness may seem at odds with the critical thinking that is required in the tough world of business today. But researchers are realizing that people who have little emotional intelligence are seriously disadvantaged in their overall well-being.

To ace life, you have to understand your emotions.

But this is the real secret: the key to lifelong success is the regular exercise of a single emotional muscle—gratitude.

Here is how the power of gratitude can lead you to success:

 

 1. ATTRACT EVEN MORE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE

Gratitude can lead you to success because when you are grateful for all you have in life, your life will automatically attract more good into it. 

The Law of Attraction states: I attract whatever I give my focus, attention, or energy to. If your attitude is a cesspool of what’s wrong in your life, guess what? That is what you’re going to attract.

If, however, you make a conscious decision to appreciate and acknowledge all that you’ve been blessed with and you will continue to attract even more things to be grateful for through the law of attraction.

 

2. COUNTERACT YOUR STRESSORS

Gratitude can lead you to success because it is an antidote to stress and one of the best ways to counteract it. 

According to scientist Hans Seyle, being able to appreciate what is important to us is a valuable way of stepping back from the stresses we’re experiencing. When we do, we become more mentally tough because we are able to re-frame our thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances—The Bible, I Thessalonians 5:16

 

3. INCREASE YOUR HAPPINESS

Gratitude can lead you to success because research has shown the happiest people are those who take the time to appreciate the small things in life.

When we are grateful, we make time to stop and smell the roses. By spending the effort to appreciate the beauty around us, we are able to experience more feelings of well being and this produces happiness.

 

4. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT

Gratitude can lead you to success because it debunks the myth that we can multi-task and be more efficient.

Research has shown that the brain is incapable of multi-tasking. What really happens when we think we are multi-tasking is that are simply splitting our attention. We spin forward with the mistaken belief that getting more done will make us successful.

In truth, much of the quality of our life does not depend on getting more done; it comes from savoring those things we choose to pay attention to. Savoring is all about attention. Focus on the bad and you’ll feel bad. Focus on the good…and guess what?

 

5. HUNT THE GOOD STUFF

Gratitude can lead you to success because it forces you to look for the positive elements of your situation.

Researcher Martin Seligman is working with U.S. Military drill sergeants on how to increase mental toughness in their troops. Those participating are taught how to hunt the good stuff—to look for and appreciate the ways in which they are fortunate.

Gratitude is appreciating what you have, and giving thanks for the big and small blessings in your life. Basically, you see what you look for. You can train yourself to find the joy waiting out there, instead of passively waiting for it to come to you.

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven—Johannes A. Gaertner

What in this post most resonated with you? What are you grateful for?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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3 Things to Remember When Good Performance Doesn’t Lead To Success

November 16th, 2014 by LaRae Quy

During my four months in the FBI Academy, I shot over 3,000 rounds of ammo in firearms training, spent untold hours in the gym building up enough muscle to pass the fitness test, and endured an endless number of mock interrogation sessions. 

rsz_listen_up

We spent hundreds of hours practicing real life situations so that when we hit the streets with our badge and gun, we’d be successful as newly minted FBI agents.

It didn’t take me long in the real world of hard knocks to understand that practice doesn’t always make perfect. Just because I’d practiced how to be a federal law enforcement office in training, it didn’t mean I would be considered a success. Time alone was not enough if I lacked the other attributes I’d need to succeed. 

The “10,000 hour rule” popularized by Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers really rankles me. Gladwell undoubtedly made a lot of money from that book, and subsequent speaking engagements, but he misled people about what it takes to succeed.

He seduced readers into thinking that practice does make perfect—if we just keep hammering away at it along enough. 

To begin with, there is a big difference between putting in 10,000 hours at doing something and deliberating practicing for 10,000 hours to become an expert. We all know people who have shuffled to work every day for 40 years, punched a time clock, and put in over 10,000 hours during a lifetime. They became neither successful nor an expert.

I spent my time in the FBI Academy in deliberate practice—activities designed with the goal of improving performance. Whether time spent was under or over 10,000 hours, there is no doubt that deliberate practice could help me become an expert.

But it wasn’t enough to make me successful!

I beat myself up because I thought I wasn’t good enough. How was I going to move forward? Turns out, I’m not the only one who asked these same questions.

Researcher Brooke MacNamara at Princeton University and her colleagues found that deliberate practice explained 26% of the success rate in games like chess, 21% in music, 18% in sports, 4% in education, and less than 1% in professions. 

Her team concluded that deliberate practice is important, but not as important as has been argued.

Success does not always scale with performance. Here are 3 things to remember when your good performance doesn’t lead to success:

 

1. START WITH THE BASICS AND BRUSH UP ON YOUR PERSONALITY

If you don’t believe likability is important to success, just remember how and why Hillary Clinton lost the presidential nomination to Barak Obama.

Likability is more than a popularity contest. It’s the way you come across to others as they size you up. Likable people are more apt to get hired, to get help at work, get useful information from others, and have their mistakes forgiven.

Likability can be taught, it isn’t something you were born with, like charisma. It’s something you can learn. Here are some tips:

  1. Be AUTHENTIC—to be likable, behave in ways that feel natural and comfortable to you. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.
  2. Be CURIOUS—make sure it’s not all about you. Show interest in others by making eye contact and asking questions about others to open them up.
  3. Be EXPRESSIVE—no one likes a cold fish or a plastic smile. Vary your tones of voice and smile, show enthusiasm about what you’re saying. Fake it if you have to.
  4. LISTEN—don’t allow your thoughts to wander or get distracted. Focus on what the other person is saying.
  5. MIMIC—mirror the expressions and gestures of the person you’re talking to.
  6. SIMILARITY—make an effort to find topics of interest that you share, rather than just talking about what interests you.

 

2. FIND YOUR BACKBONE

Success requires the determination that comes from mental strength. Determination is a quiet strength that emanates from within; it’s a fortress that remains indifferent to everything that happens on the outside. 

When we have a strong mind, we control our emotions rather than let them control us. Mental toughness is the driving force behind the para-military mindset of the FBI—especially in its emphasis on endurance, self-control, and inner strength. 

Mental toughness teaches us that before we try to control events, we have to control ourselves first.  We may not be able to predict the way our supervisor will behave, but controlling our response to their decisions is something we can do 100% of the time.

 

3. MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK

It’s not that I don’t believe luck doesn’t exist; it’s just that I think it can be created and controlled. Luck happens when we seize opportunities to improve ourselves and our situation. It definitely doesn’t happen if we silently wait and hope for our lives to change.

When you are always looking for opportunities, luck happens because you’re motivated to take the steps necessary to succeed. You make it easier for luck to find you because you are more open to life’s forking paths, and see possibilities that others miss.

Don’t despair if your good performance doesn’t always lead to success.  The wisest people we know are those who have known misery, defeat, and lost something they truly wanted. They are also among the strongest people we know because they’ve gained an appreciation for what it truly takes to succeed in business and life.

What in this post most resonated with you?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

You can follow me on Twitter

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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7 Disadvantages You Need For Massive Success

November 9th, 2014 by LaRae Quy

Growing up in a rural area, going to a small college, and moving into the fast-paced business world, I felt at a disadvantage on many levels. Little did I know that these same disadvantages would give me the scrappiness I’d need to succeed.

Adversity - shining through

It takes mental toughness to develop the healthy habits we need to overcome the disadvantages we face in life. I quickly learned that while surviving in my circumstances may be considered success; thriving in them is massive success.

Check out this list to see how how your disadvantages in life have prepared you for massive success:

 

1. NEVER ENOUGH MONEY

When you don’t have money, you are forced to use your imagination. Innovation becomes a way of life at a very early age—I discovered that sticks are excellent rifles and swords, and dried cow pies can be amazing frizbees. 

Buying what I wanted or needed was not an option for me as a kid, so creativity was the way I compensated. My early training to be creative and resourceful has served me well throughout life. 

Lesson Learned: If you want something, find a way to make it happen.

 

2. NO CODDLING BY PARENTS AND FAMILY

There were many times as a child when I felt very sorry for myself—I didn’t come from one of those warm and fuzzy families that coddled their offspring.

My grandmother had ammo on her Christmas list! There are three things you never say to a grandmother who is a crack shot with a shotgun: “You do it.” “It’s your fault.” “I quit.”

But in the process, I learned how to fend for myself. If I found myself in a tough situation, I had to rely on myself to get out of it. 

Lesson Learned: Take responsibility—stop whining, blaming others, and pointing fingers if you don’t get what you want.

 

3. THE CONSTANT REMINDER OF MISTAKES

I spent the better part of my early life as a hillbilly. I didn’t have the polish of a sophisticated upbringing and so I made a lot of mistakes, both social and professional. 

I learned from each one because I knew one thing: I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice. It hurt too much the first time to not take the experience seriously and glean as much knowledge as I could from it.

As I look back and see the path I’ve traveled, I understand now that the past is nothing but training. It doesn’t define me. 

Lesson Learned: Mistakes are only stupid if you don’t take the time to learn from them. 

 

4. SURROUNDED BY LOSER FRIENDS

Since our cattle ranch was in a remote part of Wyoming, it was hard growing up without many friends. I was on a constant search to find other kids like me, but there just weren’t that many. At first, I wasn’t picky about with whom I chummed up but that was worse than having no friends at all.

I learned to be content with making friends and spending time with people who were very different from me. They stretched my thinking because they were so diverse.

We tend to spend time with people who are just like us, but when we do, we lack the feedback we need to force us out of our comfort zones and challenge us to question our beliefs.

Lesson Learned: Dump the loser friends and learn to be adept at picking the right strangers with ties to what you hope to accomplish and then ask them the right questions.

 

5. NEVER AN EASY WAY OUT 

I had to work really hard to get good grades—they didn’t come easy. As a result, I knew I would need to develop other traits if I wanted massive success. In excavating those talents and abilities, I learned to tolerate discomfort, frustration, anger, failure, and rejection. 

Mental toughness requires you to become acutely aware of all emotions so you can make the best choice about how to respond when the pop up. Mental strength is about accepting your feelings without being controlled by them.

Lesson Learned: Stop expecting a handout; instead, develop the right attitude to make your own breaks in life.

 

6. HARD-WON BREAKTHROUGHS

I took several wrong turns in life during my early years. Hoping for a breakthrough, I picked myself and started down another road, and I continued until I finally found the right path for me.

Our breakthroughs come from stress. We place a great deal of pressure on ourselves to see how much we can take and how well we respond. It’s a form of training for life—we practice over and over again until we have a breakthrough and become someone we had no idea we could become. 

Lesson Learned: All the magic happens outside the comfort zone.

 

7. A CONSTANT HUNT FOR THE GOOD STUFF

I spent several years trying to find the right job and the right relationship. During these gloomy times, I had to hunt to find the good stuff in my life. There wasn’t a lot, and yet I made a concerted effort to identify at least 3 positive experiences every day.

Catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control and influence your behavior. Replace your negative thoughts with productive ones and reflect on your progress daily.

Lesson Learned: Stop being a bore—instead, be grateful for your blessings.

Ironically, the disadvantages we’ve faced in the past were the ones that helped us develop the mental toughness we need to be a massive success.

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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14 Promises To Make To Yourself When Life Gets Tough

November 2nd, 2014 by LaRae Quy

When life gets tough, it’s hard to look truth in the eye. We’ve all paid a heavy price to get where we are today, and we need mental toughness to keep this important promise to ourselves—that if we keep looking for positive alternatives in our life, we will find them. 

Self-awareness - eyes

Looking truth in the eye, and recognizing it when we see it, has always been a challenge. One of history’s most reviled characters is Pontius Pilate, the judge at the trial of Jesus over two thousand years ago. Pilate asked a fascinating question, “What is truth?”

The scene on that Passover night would have been one of chaos as Pilate looked at the prisoner in front of him and felt the deep unease about what he was getting into. His wife had warned him against putting Jesus to death, and he was desperately seeking an answer out of the space between himself and the condemned man whose life depended upon Pilate’s decision.

The clarity of Pilate’s heart spoke over the clamor in his brain. “What is truth?”

We all live out those similar tensions as we pick up the same question and try to make sense of it. Often, that answer can be found in the gap we live in between reality and the illusion of ourselves that is formed by our ego. As Eckhart Tolle said, “The good news is: If you can recognize illusion as illusion, it dissolves.”

One of the best ways we can free ourselves from the tether of our ego so we can more accurately gage between fantasy and reality when we hit tough times, is to come to terms with the negative ways we look at our life.

For example, not dwelling on:

  • Where you should have been if you had made all the right choices in life.
  • Where you could have been if you had taken every opportunity offered to you.
  • Where you wish you were if you didn’t have to be in the place where you find yourself.
  • Where you think you are because your mind is out of sync with your heart.
  • Where other people think you are or think you ought to be when they are busy with their own agendas.

Living a life of truth is taking responsibility for your own choices in life and realizing exactly where you are. Once you do, you are empowered to move forward because there is no longer confusion or lack of clarity. When you live life with a deep sense of inner strength, you feel as if you are in touch with a source of energy far beyond your own. 

 

When both your mind and heart are aligned with reality, the power is liberating. When you do something out of duty, you need to muster all of your energies to get the task done. When you do something that gives you meaning and value, you hardly notice the demands on your energy—in fact, it seems to generate new energy.

 

Leaders like us ask the same question as Pontius Pilate. We ask, What does truth look like for me? Where is my heart leading me to go? 

The only thing stopping you from pursuing what is true for you is fear; the only thing that will get you past this fear is courage

What you do with your life isn’t up to your parents, your boss, or your spouse. It’s up to you and you alone. You are the only one who can push past the illusion and embrace your own truth. 

To be mentally tough, you need to promise yourself that you will keep fighting, slap adversity in the face, and become a fearsome force to be reckoned with!

 

Here are 14 promises to make to yourself when you hit tough times:

  1. Identify an opportunity that you know is worthwhile but that you’ve been afraid to pursue, and go for it anyway.
  2. Make a commitment to a specific course of action that makes facing one of your fears unavoidable.
  3. Do one thing today that scares you.
  4. Discover a path that has heart for you and find a way you can honor that path right now.
  5. List five things you’ve been procrastinating about and plan to take some action on all five this week.
  6. Identify five people who can help you achieve your dreams and goals and find ways to bring them into your life.
  7. Using details, describe something that you will make you very happy.
  8. Write down your definition of success.
  9. Make a list of causes you are passionate about and then get involved.
  10. Identify something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done.
  11. Keep your word.
  12. Forgive everyone, especially yourself.
  13. Move forward.
  14. Brainstorm a list of 20 new ideas on ways to improve your life.

Finding your own truth will lead to your true nature, not the illusion that the ego represents. Fear can keep you from shattering that illusion but if you have the mental toughness to be courageous, you will have answered the greatest question of all: What is your truth?

What promises have you made to yourself when life gets tough?

© 2014 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

 

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