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March 10th, 2013 by LaRae Quy
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe receive updates via email. Thanks for visiting - LaRae. When I was eleven years old, my younger brother and I decided to find a whisky still used during Prohibition in the 1930’s. Our Dad had pointed it out a few months earlier when all three of us were on horseback and gathering cattle on our Wyoming ranch. All that was left of the still was a few barrel rings and a wall of rocks. It was tucked into a steep draw surrounded by aspen trees and a little cow trail leading toward the bottom of the canyon near our house.
My brother and I collected antique glassware as a hobby and planned to go back to the whiskey still and look around for old bottles. We figured we could find it again easily enough, so after school we told our parents we were going out to play and would be back in time for supper. We started walking up the canyon, and when we saw a draw that looked familiar, we started up.
Our ranch was located in the scatterings of the Snowy Mountain Range at an altitude of 7,000 feet. Summers are short in that country, and the green aspen trees that looked lush and cozy when we rode past them a few months before, were now barren and cold. We forgot that night fell much earlier in the winter months and dusk was starting to set in. We could not find the whiskey still but we continued on until we reached the top of the draw. When we saw Laramie Peak in a distance, we knew we had climbed over 2,000 feet out of the canyon bottom.
We had climbed up the wrong draw, night was coming, and we had no flashlights. It was cold enough that rattlesnakes were hibernating, but conditions were still adverse: it was dark, the terrain was steep and rocky, and the temperature was dropping at an alarming rate.
At the ages of ten and eleven, my younger brother and I learned young to how to keep going through the tough times:
1. Earn confidence in yourself. We were too young to rely on pep talks or motivational speeches to give us the stamina to keep moving forward. If we had climbed over 2,000 feet out of the canyon in daylight, we had to be confident enough in our ourselves that we could repeat our performance downhill in the darkness.
 The lessons I learned getting down the mountain stayed with me the rest of my life. In my book Secrets of A Strong Mind, I talk about the four months I spent at the FBI Academy in new agent’s training. We trained hard day in and day out, no matter the weather conditions—in snow, wind, rain, or heat. We felt confident of our abilities because of our experiences. Performing well in adverse conditions gave us the self-assurance we could beat the odds. Whenever I thought I couldn’t push myself any further, I remembered that cold night climbing back down a mountain when I was eleven years old, and I was confident I had what it took to keep moving on. Read Secrets of A Strong Mind.
2. Persist with intelligence. My brother and I were not sure how to get back home before we found ourselves in complete darkness and freezing temperatures. We decided that if we stayed with the cow trail it would ultimately lead us to our destination. We lost the trail once and hopped over rocks and fallen trees to find it. While we knew that as long we were going downhill we were headed in the right direction, the draw had many smaller ones that meandered over the sides of the canyon. Time was important and we knew the quickest way down was the way we came up. We persisted and found the cow path again.
As an FBI agent, there were many times when I needed to remember that dedication and blind persistence are two different things. There are ways to work hard and not smart. If something doesn’t work, pivot and attack the problem from a different angle. Where there is a will, there is a way.
 3. Manage Emotions. While neither my brother or I panicked, we were scared—but we never let negativity set in. We acknowledged our fears but remained confident in our ability to get home safely.
I have drawn my weapon while making an arrest. I was scared and afraid of what I would need to do if the person resisted. When I leaned into my training, I regained my confidence and managed my emotions. It’s always important to acknowledge emotions, but the key to getting through tough times and adversity is by reminding myself that I can manage the negative reactions. I may not be able to change the conditions but I can change the way I deal with them (click to tweet). It’s possible to have self-control in an out-of-control environment. Read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.
4. Accept blame. We had no one to blame but ourselves. This was no game we were playing and we had to have the strength to look at the problem realistically and take responsibility for getting ourselves back home. Our parents had no idea we had headed out to find the whiskey still because we hadn’t told them.
As an FBI agent, I found that self-examination would be one of the most important ways I could become a more effective leader who achieved my goals. When I confronted obstacles, I was not afraid to question my thinking. Often, this self-examination uncovered biases or assumptions I had made that either contributed to the obstacle or stood in my way of overcoming it. A merciless review of traits, desires, and fears can lead to a reinvention of goals and beliefs (click to tweet).
 5. Pace yourself. My brother and I both knew that if we stopped, we’d freeze to death before morning. On the other hand, if we depleted our resources, we’d be unable to continue.
I learned the importance of pacing myself while running obstacle courses at the FBI Academy. I was not a strong runner, and while I was enthusiastic about charging out the gate, I knew I’d need to pace myself to last the entire obstacle course. The same logic applied to my investigations: if I depleted my resources, ran myself to exhaustion, and then needed to respond to a fast-moving break in the case, I was in serious trouble. Read the chapter on the 20 mile march in Great by Choice by Jim Collins.
6. Stay in community. My brother and I were a team and we worked together to get back down the hill. We not only provided moral support for one another, but physical as well as we jumped across waterfalls and mucked through inches of mud to follow the meandering cow path.
The personal leadership skill of camaraderie is one of the first lessons taught at the FBI Academy. For the first three weeks, new agents are not allowed to leave the Marine Corp base. Instead, we were expected to develop a supportive community that would be needed during our four months of training.
The ability to relate to others was one of the most effective skills I developed in my career as a counterintelligence agent. Everyone has the need to be heard, and the need to listen for information that can be put into action (click to tweet). The listener is a essential role because even very successful leaders need people who are allied to their cause.
My brother and I made is safely home that night to parents who were very worried.
Learning how to keep going through tough times will help you turn underachievement into superior achievement. As long as you can stay alive, you are still in the game.
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: adversity, Behavior, communication, confidence, courage, empowerment, leadership, mental toughness, overcoming obstacles, Persistence, strong mind
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February 25th, 2013 by LaRae Quy
 This is the story of a handsome man who became successful at very young age. He received many awards and was acknowledged among his peers and fans alike as a huge talent in the industry with a promising future.
Like many who experience success at a young age, he lost track of what was important to him and why he had struggled to succeed in the first place. He stopped putting effort into his choices and assumed that because he had been successful in the past, his decisions would always be good ones.
Of course, he was wrong. His career began to spiral downward and his personal life devolved into a bad joke. Many in the industry wrote him off as a “one hit wonder” and watched as he slowly slid into obscurity.
Instead of getting angry or drowning in self-pity about the passing of easy opportunities in life, the man—no longer so young by now—took a closer look at the hardships in his life to see what they had to teach him. He began to make more intelligent career choices, settled down, married, and had three children.
 English: Ben Affleck at the premiere for He's Just Not That Into You. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) The story has a happy ending because the young man in this story, Ben Affleck, finally grew up; and at the 2013 Academy Awards his movie, Argo, won Best Picture. In a recent interview with Barbara Walters, Affleck gave us a glimpse into his thinking when he was asked what advice he would give Hollywood newcomers to steer away from career suicide and embarrassing tabloid covers. He said that his failures made him, that he wouldn’t change much of anything, that failure is ultimately the best teacher of all.
This story has a good ending not only because Affleck turned his life around, but because he is an inspiration that we can do the same thing. When the going gets tough, we tend to seek out those people—and things—that give us the strength to be our best self. We yearn for the feeling that we’ve turned our lives around and are headed for better days.
In my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind, I discuss how looking for the upside takes our mind off the down times. A positive attitude allows us to forget, even for a while, the hardships that face us in many areas of our life. Those times of contentment and happiness are wonderful. We need to spend time with them so when times are harder, we can remember the strength they gave us. But to expect those times to last is not realistic.
Here is the ugly truth: We learn very little by being happy and content. We learn everything by being engaged with the realities of life, especially when it’s hard, confusing, and difficult.
What are the stories that motivate us to learn what hardship has to teach us? They’re the stories of people who were beaten down by circumstances and defied the odds by pulling themselves up by the bootstraps to achieve the impossible. That’s why we love old western movies and Rocky Balboa.
The best motivational speakers are leaders who have been in the trenches and dug down, inside themselves, to find an inner strength that they didn’t know existed. These transformations remind us that we can find our best self too—it just needs to be teased out.
The unpleasant bits of acid that reality drops into our life every now and then are exactly what we need to remind us what is important in life. “Love people, use things—not vice-versa.” Kelly Rothaus
Here are some questions to keep your attention focused on what is important in life:
- What’s more important . . . people or things?
- What’s more important . . . credentials or accomplishments?
- What’s more important . . . the way you start or the way you finish?
- What’s more important . . . where you went to school or where you learned?
- What’s more important . . . what you acquire or what you become? (click to tweet)
- What’s more important . . . who people think you are or who you really are?
- What’s more important . . . who is right or what is right?
- What’s more important . . . your age or your attitude?
- What’s more important . . . how you spend your money or how you spend your time?
- What’s more important . . . what you get from life or what you give to life?
- What’s more important . . . doing what is right or doing the right things?
- What’s more important . . . making a living or making a life? (click to tweet)
Whether it’s Ben Affleck, or ourselves, we do not enjoy adversity and hardships. But if we didn’t encounter them, we wouldn’t develop the inner strength to keep our attention focused on the important things in life.
How do you maintain your priorities? What tips can you share on how to develop inner strength? What have you learned from your failures?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: adversity, Argo, Ben Affleck, failure, hardships, leaders, leadership, purpose, strong mind
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February 5th, 2013 by LaRae Quy
 Americans continue to make “Downton Abbey” one of the season’s most watched television series as viewers follow the World War I-era British costume epic on PBS. Downton Abbey has successfully captivated an audience who might not otherwise be particularly interested in English aristocracy. It has left Hollywood scratching its head and trying to understand why the American public is captivated by the Crawley household—and their secrets.
The lesson is the same: people are less interested in being told a glitzy story than they are about a smart, high-quality television show that peaks into the lives of people who confront obstacles and break through barriers to find solutions to life’s problems. We may not be able to identify with the titles of Earl and Countess of Grantham, but we can all sympathize with the struggle of adapting to risk, uncertainty, and change in our circumstances.
Tip #1: Be who you were born to be
 We do not choose to be born and we do not choose our parents. But we do choose how we shall live and we decide what makes us significant or insignificant. At the center of our being we have the answer; we know who we are and we know what we want (click to tweet).
It takes practice to hear our true desires. Our passion often comes as a whisper, or in a series of coincidental events meant to remind us of what is important and who we really are meant to be. Read The New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.
Viewers see the Earl of Grantham endeavor to bear the burden of his title, but it is obvious he has neither the disposition or talent to manage his vast estate. Instead, his life is defined by the values and expectations of others.
Tip #2: Choose your relationships wisely
If we are to be the leader of our own life, we must be willing to look inward to find it. This is often very difficult to do on our own. We need to surround ourselves with people who care because they create the environment in which we will wilt or thrive.
I give everyone the opportunity to be my friend, but I share my dreams and goals only with those who value them as much as I  do. I ask myself whether spending time with this person will lift me up or drag me down? Will spending time with this person help me become the person I want to become? If not, I find friends who will.
Downton Abbey reminds us that many of us are stuck in family situations that make it even more important to choose our other relationships wisely. Few of us have people in our life as feisty and witty Violet Crawley whose favorite past-time is dropping bits of acidic comments wherever she goes, but it’s great entertainment watching Maggie Smith lord over upstarts who pretend to be as well-bred as the dowager Countess of Grantham.
Tip #3: Recognize those who love you
The most significant people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you were not very lovable. Pay attention to the circumstances of when these people showed up in your life. Remember your response to them. Notice how their presence made you feel. Vow to love them back.
The Downton Abbey characters are searching for love, but even more importantly, they are searching for acceptance from each other. No one who has watched the series can forget the vicious relationship between the sisters and the pain it created for them. As they move forward, they are finding ways to love each other, even when one of them is not acting lovable.
Tips #4: Embrace change in your life
Change in our life frequently leads to periods of risk, uncertainty, and discomfort. No wonder we don’t embrace it! It’s very hard to let go of the familiar, embrace the unknown, and move into hostile and volatile environments.
 It takes a strong mind to find our way through obstacles in life but as an FBI for 24 years, I found the safest and most effective way to move forward in these situations was by taking small steps. This does not mean moving slowly—sometime change happens very quickly and we need to be able to adapt. I could still move quickly, but taking smaller steps instead of giant leaps helped when I moved into the unknown. It gave me time to explore hostile and unpredictable environments as I pressed into them. I could also change tack if I found I was using the wrong approach. Read Secrets of A Strong Mind.
Viewers are drawn, in part, to Downton Abbey because it sits on the precipice of a change in world order. Season 3 finds many family and servants back from serving in WWI. Change is inevitable—the class structure in England is breaking down, the expense of maintaining large estates is becoming unsustainable, and the role of women is evolving. The Crawley family can no longer change their situation, so they are challenged to change themselves.
Tip #5: Be thankful
There are two ways of being rich: one is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with all you have (click to tweet). Taking the time in the middle of a busy day to be grateful will create a positive attitude because you will be reminded that the best things in life are free. You can find joy and happiness in the simplest of moments. Happiness comes when you stop focusing on what you don’t have, quit complaining about your troubles, and offer thanks for the things that really matter. Read The Happiness Project.
We love watching the Crawley household fighting through some bad days to earn better days ahead. Sometimes it is only by seeing the tough side of life that we can appreciate the good side.
How have you embraced changes in your life? Which character in Downton Abbey reflects your struggles? What advice would you give them?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: breaking barriers, desires, Downton Abbey, leadership, overcoming obstacles, relationships, strong mind, thankfulness
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January 31st, 2013 by LaRae Quy
Mentors can give us a helping hand to get ahead in the workplace. Sometimes they come from unexpected places.
 It’s disconcerting to hear that there are an estimated 300 active serial killers in the U.S. That’s part of the chilling premise of the popular, sometimes violent new TV show, The Following. Serial killers, led by a psychopath, manage to find a way to communicate with each other, and recruit other killers into their network. This dark, fast-paced crime show is an unexpected place to discover insights about the benefits of mentoring, yet we can. This column is co-written with LaRae Quy, an undercover and counterintelligence FBI agent for 25 years. Mike Weston, a smart, young FBI agent sees an opportunity to learn from an unwilling mentor, Ryan Hardy, played by Kevin Bacon. Hardy, a long retired FBI agent, agrees to help track down the escaped serial killer that he arrested, Joe Carroll.
When FBI agents begin an investigation… see the nine mentoring tips over at Forbes.
This is my guest post on Forbes. It was co-written with Forbes contributor, Kare Anderson.
Tags: adversity, business, leaders, leadership, mentor
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January 20th, 2013 by LaRae Quy
Perhaps Lance Armstrong didn’t have the courage to be an ordinary person. Perhaps this explains his need to be a superhero—with the aid of illegal dope.
Whatever you may think of Lance Armstrong and his recent admission during an Oprah Winfrey show to doping, he showed a shocking lack of courage to be his own man when he began taking dope to help him win races beginning in the mid-90’s. Armstrong forgot an essential element of creation: life requires courage. Because of people like Lance Armstrong, we tend to lose sight of the vital meaning, power, and importance of courage.
I’m not talking about the physical courage of a soldier or superhero—I mean the extraordinary, heroic courage demanded of each of us every day. Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm (click to tweet). It’s the resolve to meet life’s scary circumstances head on with confidence and determination.
Even more surprising is that Armstrong possessed the courage to confront a difficult, frightening, and painful, situation in his past. His scare with cancer in 1997 is a testimony of that courage, but somewhere he lost the answer this question: Can we find the courage to face-to-face with our fear and defeat it, or will we be destroyed by it?
I did not learn to be courageous solely by being an FBI agent for 24 years. There were many situations in my personal, social, and professional life where I felt threatened, weak, vulnerable or intimidated. I needed the extraordinary, heroic courage demanded of us each and every day.
In my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind, I discuss how to be courageous by confronting the challenges that push us to the limit.
Here are four characteristics we all need to develop the courage to lead our life with a strong mind:
1. Recognize Your Moral and Spiritual Core
Moral courage motivates us to do the right thing, to right a wrong, to take a stand for a deeply held principle or spiritual value despite adversity or going against popular culture. One of my favorite examples comes from the Bible—Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when he is arrested. How easy it would have been for him to run! And it crossed Jesus’s mind when he whispered, “If possible, let this cup pass from me.” But he did not. Jesus had the moral and spiritual courage to face his opponents even though it lead to his crucifixion.
Standing up to evil and fighting for what we truly believe takes courage. Sometimes it takes more courage to acknowledge our weaknesses and fears than to hide behind macho bravado or religious pretensions.
“Last, but by no means least, [we need] courage—moral courage, the courage of one’s convictions, the courage to see things through. The world is in a constant conspiracy against the brave. It’s the age-old struggle—the roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the other.”
—Douglas MacArthur
2. Move Toward Your Fear
 Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving ahead despite fear (click to tweet). If there is no fear, who needs courage?
One of my favorite movies is the Wizard of Oz. The cowardly lion takes a bold and decisive step when he seeks to find the great and powerful wizard. As the movie progresses, we realize how much courage it took for the cowardly lion to begin his quest! The ability to face, accept, and fight to become oneself in the world is a tremendous act of boldness.
“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’ ‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
3. Follow Your Heart
It takes courage to suffer the sharp pains of self-awareness rather than follow the dull pain of unconsciousness that keeps us blinded the rest of our lives. Following our heart leads to a passion that allows us to do extraordinary things, to discover, to challenge ourselves. Passion is and always should be the heart of courage.
The word courage comes from the French root word “cour,” which means heart. So courage is closely aligned with the heart—that vital muscle that keeps our blood flowing and sustains life. Our heart represents our innermost feelings and spiritual core.
“All dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.”
—T.E. Lawrence
4. Embrace the Adventure in Your Life
Our world demands many of the qualities of youth—not a phase of life but a state of mind. A type of thinking that still values imagination and the predominance of courage over timidity. In other words, the appetite for adventure is more important than the life of easy comfort.
The call to adventure comes through an inner voice that beckons you to move beyond the ordinary. You have the ability to hear your inner voice calling you to explore new frontiers of your life if you will listen for it. The call will be different for everyone but that is what makes each of us unique.
Answering the call to explore your own life is the day in which you decide to take leadership of it. A strong mind needs no apologies or excuses. You empower yourself, so there is no one to lean on, rely on, or blame. Life is an amazing journey—and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. It is not an obligation; it is an adventure.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
— Anais Nin
In summary, courage is our choice. It is being empowered to stand up and withstand the crap that life throws at us. When we’re wounded or knocked down, we get up and move on.
Even the cowardly lion knew to look for courage within himself; if only Lance Armstrong had been that brave.
How have you found the courage to move on? When has it taken more courage for you to stay put? How have you found faith in yourself to be brave?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book “Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: confidence, courage, courageous, determination, fear, Lance Armstrong, leadership, strong mind
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January 9th, 2013 by LaRae Quy
 When in high school, Stefani Germanotta was thrown into a garbage can by neighborhood boys. She was laughed at and ridiculed in front of her classmates, to the point where she was afraid to go back to school. Her straight-A grade point started to suffer as a result of her embarrassment. She was ashamed of who she was.
Shame is the feeling of abandonment. The fear of disconnection with others can lead to different levels of shame—at its most intense is humiliation.
When students are bullied in school, the pain of their humiliation is often so great that they have difficulty recalling other moments in their childhood when they felt happy and loved. The scars are deep, and they endure. Germanotta recently said, “When certain things are said to you over and over again as you’re growing up, it stays with you and you wonder if they’re true.”
To cope, our ego builds a self-image that is not based on reality, but on whom we think we ought to be. And so, we reinvent ourselves. No phoenix has risen from the ashes with more aplomb and attention than Stefani Germanotta, better known to her fans as Lady Gaga.
Forbes ranked Lady Gaga #14 among the world’s most powerful women in 2012. She reinvents herself in each new public appearance with infectious beats of music and oddball fashion. She is welcomed in a contemporary culture that seems to mock the very idea that there is anything solid and true about the self. Cosmetic surgery, performance enhancing drugs, psycho-pharmaceuticals, and perpetual makeovers are preferred to the genuine article.
In my book, Secrets of a Strong Mind, I discuss why it’s easier to pretend to be someone else than to dig deep into our courage and be real. After all, the reason we reinvented ourselves is because the real person was rejected in some way.
For Lady Gaga, however, history is repeating itself because she recently endured ridicule and insults all over again. Neighborhood boys morphed into reporters, and this time their ridicule is targeting her 25-pound weight gain. But, at 26, it appears she has the courage to face the biggest critic of all—herself.
She responded on her social media website, LittleMonsters.com, by revealing a painful secret—she has suffered from bulimia and anorexia since she was 15. The singer then announced the launch of her new movement, “A Body Revolution 2013,” meant to encourage girls and young women to accept their body.
Lady Gaga is moving into important territory. She is shedding the image that helped her cope with years of shame and humiliation, and instead, is taking up the mantle of authenticity. This is an unusual move for any contemporary performer who uses invented images to generate success, but it is one that will have a positive influence in several areas:
First, as a role model and leader for girls and young women, she is giving them permission to acknowledge they also struggle with body issues. Her celebrity status and recognition on the Forges list of powerful women gives her the authority to stand up and say, “I’m mad as hell and I won’t take it anymore.”
Researchers explain that each of us has a deep-seated sense of duty to leaders with authority. This is particularly true with groups of young girls who are influenced by peer pressure. One of the most effective ways to break free of negative behavior and attitudes is if someone with enough authority gives them permission to change their behavior and attitudes. Adults act in much the same way, which is why endorsements by people perceived to be experts are given more weight than others.
 Lady Gaga explains on her website that the inspiration behind her new movement stems from the Born This Way Foundation, an organization she started with her mother to stop bullying and embrace individuality. “This profile is an extension of that dream,” she wrote. “Be brave and celebrate with us your ‘perceived flaws,’ as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous.”
Unsurprisingly, her positive message resonated with her Little Monsters. Soon after the post went up, fans began flooding the website with photos of themselves in their underwear and sharing their own personal struggles with body image issues.
A second effect of Lady Gaga’s willingness to “go to the dark side” is that many of us may be encouraged to do the same thing in order to stop the need to reinvent ourselves into someone else’s image of who we should be. Most of us have a visceral reaction to the image of Stefani Germanotta being bullied and shoved into a garbage can. It was a horrible thing for her to experience.
Many of us have experienced shame and felt vulnerable at some point in our childhood. When I heard her story, similar feelings bubbled up inside of me. My traumas were different from hers, and yours will be different again. But we have all faced adversity in our life. It’s much easier, and less painful, to bury the memories and pretend they didn’t happen. Reality is not for the faint of heart—it takes courage, but unless we are willing to be authentic, we will never be the person we were born to become.
Courage is needed to tell the story of who we are with our whole heart. What makes us vulnerable is also what makes us beautiful and unique (click to tweet). Courage and authenticity are both characteristics of a strong mind. Mental toughness will give us the ability to move from the frightened person who pretends to be someone to a person who is confident to be seen for who they truly are.
Lady Gaga says that she wants her website to start a bottom-up movement to try to make it cooler for young people to be nice. Her agenda is a simple one: to “kindle kindness.” I think she understands that true compassion comes from a tender and vulnerable place where we understand how connected we all really are. This means that we all need to have the courage to move past the personas we have invented for ourselves.
How can you kindle kindness in your community? How have you moved past the persona you invented for yourself as you’ve become more authentic?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: adversity, authentic leadership, body image, bullying, humiliation, leadership, shame, strong mind, vulnerability
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December 17th, 2012 by LaRae Quy
We admire people who are mentally tough—we make them our heroes and call them by names like John Wayne. Heroes don’t focus on their weaknesses—instead, they develop their strengths so they can respond to unexpected challenges with confidence.
We like heroes with strong minds because life’s challenges bring out the best in them. In the process, they remind us that strength is an inner place we can all find when our backs are against the wall. Mental toughness is needed to overcome obstacles and break through barriers.
In my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind, I talk about the mental skills necessary to confront the challenges of life. We all have the psychological muscle to do this; we simply need to develop these muscles so that we respond to life’s challenges leading with our strengths and not our weaknesses.
Many people don’t take the time to discover and develop their strengths. The reason is this: they’ve been told to focus on their weaknesses so they can overcome them and turn them into positive qualities. The problem with this approach is that there is no strategy to convert your weakness into strength. An alternative is to build your positive qualities to overwhelm your less desirable ones.
Once you shift your focus, you can begin to take ownership of your strengths. You will discover that none of your successes were accidental—they were the result of your talent and skills.
The secret to a strong mind is self-awareness. Get to know yourself well enough to not only anticipate, but also control, your response to the unexpected challenges in life. Here are 3 successful ways to help you build your inner strength:
1. Find Your Strengths
 One of my favorite areas of instruction during my training at the FBI Academy was surveillance. It required that we remain alert and observant so we could identify behavioral patterns in the people under surveillance.
I learned to use surveillance techniques on myself to identify my strengths. It’s impossible to develop your strengths unless you know what they are. I started by paying attention to the activities that drew my interest. I then answered the following questions:
- How long did it take for me to accomplish the activity?
- Did I do it well and did it leave me feeling satisfied?
- Was it time-consuming and leave me drained?
- Did I get so absorbed that I lost track of time?
It can take months for a pattern to emerge, but eventually, one will. By constant observation over time, your dominant strengths will show themselves. Once you identify them, you will be able to hone them, and this will place you on the road to building a strong life.
2. Acknowledge Your Weaknesses
Before I entered the FBI Academy, I had never shot a gun. I discovered I was quite good—I scored high on the bull’s eye target and never let the shotgun’s recoil get the upper hand. The physical fitness portion of my new agent training, however, left something to be desired. I scored near the bottom on everything—when I scored at all . . .
My natural reaction told me to focus all my energy on improving my pushups and pull-ups and the 2-mile run. As a result, I rarely spent any time on developing my proficiency with firearms. I obsessed over my weaknesses and devoted all my energy into fixing them.
One of my class counselors planted an important seed that has continued to germinate over the years. Weaknesses are to be managed, not changed. Instead of focusing on what was left out, concentrate on what was left in.
I had spent too much time trying to draw out skills that simply did not exist. Instead, I turned my focus toward developing my strengths. It was not possible for me to ignore my weaknesses because I needed to graduate from the Academy; however, instead of obsessing over them, I learned to manage them.
Don’t try to overcome a weakness, learn to overwhelm it (click to tweet).
3. Reinforce Your Strong Points
I was required to shoot over three thousands rounds of ammunition while in the FBI Academy. The reason was this: the more I practiced on the firing range, the more confident I would be when confronted with the real situation out on the street.
For a skill to be strength, it must be something that is done with consistency. The secret to inner strength is being able to replicate moments of success so there is a predictable outcome. This is why it’s so important to accurately identify the strongest threads in your pattern and reinforce them with training and learning.
Spend time growing your strong points, not on strengthening your weak ones (click to tweet).
The strong mind that I developed at the FBI Academy had nothing to do with push-ups or shooting a gun. It had to do with finding that my greatest areas of growth would be in my strengths, not my weaknesses.
How have you developed a strong mind? How do you identify your strengths? How do you approach your weaknesses? How do you overwhelm your weaknesses?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book “Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: adversity, break barriers, Challenges, confidence, mental toughness, overcome obstacles, strong mind
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December 4th, 2012 by LaRae Quy
Digging is hard work. I’ve dug lots of irrigation ditches and post holes while growing up on a cattle ranch in Wyoming. It’s dirty work because the only way to clear a clogged ditch is to get in the muck and shovel out heavy, sodden clumps of debris so the water can run smoothly on down the ditch.
Often, the stuff clogging the system is not visible from the top because irrigation water tends to be muddy. It’s only after you start that your shovel finds more mass to the blockage. I hate digging out irrigation ditches because there’s always something more to be dug out.
Whether it’s shoveling out the muck from an irrigation ditch or removing the barriers that prevent us from moving ahead in life, nothing moves forward until the deed is done. Tamping it down may take care of the clutter, but only for a while, and it will eventually it will build up entire the entire system is blocked.
Digging down in our own lives so we can move past barriers in our life means more than skimming the surface. Our society would lead us to believe that peeling back the surface layers is all that is needed to understand ourselves and overcome obstacles. Not true, but I suspect you already know this deep down.
 Deep down is where our true nature emerges. It’s a journey to get there; it can even be an adventure if we let it. The further down we go, the more transparent we become, and more importantly, the more authentic we become.
Once we regain touch with our authentic self—sometimes called our inner voice—we can begin to visualize how things might be different and take the first steps moving toward our purpose and passion. When we do, we don’t just survive—we thrive.
To thrive, we need the courage to show up, be seen, take risks, own our mistakes, learn from failure, and lean into our strengths so we can pursue what is meaningful in our lives. Otherwise we allow the barriers we face in life to defeat us. We chose fear over courage and blame over accountability. Once we have the courage to pursue what truly fulfills us, we are developing a strong mind (click to tweet).
A strong mind is the birthplace of personal leadership. We are all called to navigate uncertainty, risk, and the unpredictable. Mental toughness allows us draw upon our inner strengths so we can charge forward when confronted with barriers that prevent us from moving toward our purpose and passion.
Once you find your passion, you find your purpose. Here are 4 recommendations on how to connect with your passion so you can thrive:
1. Yearn – Finding passion is an essential ingredient of winning armies, corporations, and individuals. It’s not a “nice to have” bit of advice—it’s a strategic requirement. Sun Tzu understood that soldiers who care about their cause fight harder. Their passion invites the support of others as well.
2. Look – It’s a big mistake to think that you’ve only got one passion and that it must be the one to guide you. Recognize that you have a portfolio of passions and that they are all important. Life is not boring! It’s full of variety and it’s natural that different ones bubble to the surface at different times in your life journey.
3. Commit – Stop dithering and say no to complacency, the easy path, and distractions. Not choosing is as much of a strategy as deciding what to do. To thrive, commit to your passion and say no to alternatives.
4. Start - If you don’t start living purpose and passion now, you’re on the deferred life plan—postponing life until retirement or until you’ve made enough money to do what you want. If you’re honest, isn’t that the real reason you want to be a millionaire? Not so much as to buy more stuff but to have the time and freedom to pursue the things that create excitement and life for you.
Digging down to expose our true nature can be hard work, but it’s worth the effort. In a world where you can be anything, sometimes the greatest thing is to be yourself (click to tweet).
How have you identified your purpose and passion(s) in life? How have you overcome the barriers that kept you from moving forward? What have you learned about your inner strengths?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: authentic leadership, courage, mental toughness, overcoming barriers, overcoming obstacles, passion, personal leadership, purpose, strong mind
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November 27th, 2012 by LaRae Quy
In February 2003, the U.S. Army deployed J. R. Martinez to Iraq as an Infantryman. Wounded two months later in car bomb, he suffered severe burns over 34% of his body.
Martinez underwent more than 33 surgeries before beginning a new career as a motivational speaker, winning the 2011 fall season of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars,” and serving as the Grand Marshall of the 2012 Rose Parade.
As powerful as his story is, aren’t we’re all just a little relieved that the trauma didn’t happen to us? Whenever our peace is disturbed by adversity, isn’t our first reaction always something like, “What would I do if it happened to me?”
When the going gets tough, we tend to seek out those people—and things—that give us the strength to be our best self. When faced with adversity, we yearn for the feeling that we’ve turned our lives around and are headed for better days.
Looking for the upside takes our mind off the down times. A positive attitude allows us forget, even for a while, the hardships that face us in many areas of our life. Those times of contentment and happiness are wonderful. We need to spend time with them so when times are harder, we can remember the strength they gave us. But to expect those times to last is not realistic.
Here is the ugly truth: We learn very little by being happy and content. We learn everything by being engaged with the realities of life, especially when it’s hard, confusing, and difficult.
Sometimes things must change so you can change (click to tweet). Maybe you need to break a little so you can peek inside to see the powerful side of yourself. Mistakes must be made so wisdom is earned. Overcoming heartache allows you to follow your heart again.
 What are the stories that motivate us? They’re the stories of people who were beaten down by circumstances and defied the odds by pulling themselves up by the bootstraps to achieve the impossible. That’s why we love old western movies and Rocky Balboa—and yes, J.R. Martinez.
The best motivational speakers are those who have been in the trenches and dug down, inside themselves, to find an inner strength that they didn’t know existed. These transformations remind us that we can find our best self too—it just needs to be teased out.
The unpleasant bits of acid that reality drops into our life every now and then are exactly what we need in order for that best self to thrive and build a strong mind. The new science of post-traumatic growth is proving that in the wake of adversity, many people not only recover, they rebound.
How can you gird yourself and prepare for future down times? There are many ways, but here are four simple and positive approaches:
1. Create a benchmark for choosing friends: Ask questions about which friends you choose to spend time with. Surround yourself with people who believe in you: Share your struggles, dreams, and goals but only with people who can help you be your best self.
- Will spending time with this person drag me down or lift me up?
- Will they make me want to be a better person?
- Will they help make me a happier person? Successful? Stronger?
- Will they help me achieve my most important goals?
2. Revisit the past: Take an honest look at what you did correctly and how it changed the course of your life. Conversely, honestly evaluate where you could have done things differently. Next time you will, but only if you know what needs to be changed.
3. Think differently: The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective. So many times in life the only thing you have control over is your attitude. No matter what happens, you control how you react to your circumstances. Choose reactions that bring happiness, forgiveness, and love.
4. Lead your own life: You are capable of pursuing your own dreams and do not let other talk you out of it. Do not give up before you try—be stronger than that (click to tweet). Swim upstream if you have to, but pursue the things in life that move you. Let others argue over the small things, let others cry over the small wounds, let others leave their future to someone else’s hands—but not you.
“I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight!”
—Aragorn, Lord of the Rings
Like you, I don’t go looking for adversity and hardship, but if I didn’t encounter them I wouldn’t be learning the lessons I’m learning about developing a strong mind to overcome future obstacles—because guess what . . . they are going to show up.
Live Your Strong!
How do you prepare for adversity? What tips do you have for others in the midst of adversity?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: adversity, empowerment, motivation, positive attitude, strong mind
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November 18th, 2012 by LaRae Quy
 One of my favorite cartoons growing up was Popeye because he was an ordinary guy who had the courage to do extraordinary things. He drew upon an inner strength when the chips were down and courage was needed to save the day.
Popeye the Sailor Man did not wake up each day and announce to the world that he was going to be a hero. Instead, he met life as each one of us does everyday—with little fanfare and few fantasies about achieving super human deeds.
It was only when he found himself up against obstacles that threatened to derail his path and journey in life did Popeye reach down, pull out a can of spinach, and summon the courage to break through the barrier in front of him. Popeye was never imprisoned in his own mind by his circumstances or appearance.
No one wants to be a coward. Courage is a valued trait, no matter our background or nationality. Many of us will go to great lengths so others will think we’re courageous. In the Popeye cartoon, reaching down into a pocket for a can of spinach is a clever metaphor—we can all reach deep into ourselves to find the courage needed to overcome the fear we feel when confronted with risk, uncertainty, and the unknown.
Courage is something we learn from experience. Movies tell us that courage is extraordinary and extreme action; in truth, many acts of courage happen deep below the surface in places that only the heart knows about.
“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.” —Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird
Here are some types of courage to help you keep going:
1. Courage to take responsibility.
We have become a society that shirks responsibility for our actions. We point fingers, file lawsuits, and refuse to enter into meaningful discussions: I am right and you are wrong—end of discussion! It is everyone’s fault but ours.
When you avoid taking responsibility for your own actions, you are not showing courage (click to tweet). Courage means taking a chance. If you’re not a little bit scared everyday, you’re not learning. And when you’re not learning, you’re done.
2. Courage to make a change.
 Staying where you are may not be ideal, you tell yourself, but it’s comfortable. You work an 80-hour week, have a rocky marriage, and a dead end job—wow, and you are worried that a change will wreck your life? It takes courage to ask, “Is this all there is? Is there more out there for me?”
You may be staying where you are because it’s predictable and safe. Fear can be a great catalyst for courage in your life. Do not give up, stop pretending that average is OK, admit things are not perfect, and find the courage to make a change.
3. Courage to stay the course.
For some, the courage to keep going means making a change. For others, it may take more courage not to run away from our circumstances or situation. If the road is rocky but you are on the right path, you may need to stay put. Keep your eye on the goal. It might be easier to jump ship and move in a different direction, but sometimes the greatest act of courage is to stay the course. Don’t blame everything on everyone else. Researcher Brene Brown sums up blame like this: it is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. You can run but you can’t hide. Sometimes it takes more courage to do the interior work rather than shine up the exterior.
4. Courage to have faith.
Life is not supposed to be easy. We are wired for struggle. It’s the reason we need courage if we’re to move forward in life. Just because you’re not where you want to be today, it doesn’t mean you won’t be there someday. Courageous people do not give up. They keep moving and trying. They make mistakes but they don’t quit. Life’s barriers are not there to keep you out; they’re there to give you a chance to show how badly you want something (click to tweet). Have faith in yourself and develop a strong mind to break through your brick wall.
Never give up! It takes courage to keep plowing ahead when confronted with risk, uncertainty, and the unknown. Reach down and pull out of big dose of courage to break through the brick walls that life sometimes throws up when least expected.
“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.” —George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
How have you found the courage to move on? When has it taken more courage for you to stay put? How have you found faith in yourself to be brave?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
 Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Tags: a strong mind, courage, courageous, inner strength, Risk, the unknown, uncertainty
Posted in default, personal achievement | 3 Comments »
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The lessons I learned getting down the mountain stayed with me the rest of my life. In my book Secrets of A Strong Mind, I talk about the four months I spent at the FBI Academy in new agent’s training. We trained hard day in and day out, no matter the weather conditions—in snow, wind, rain, or heat. We felt confident of our abilities because of our experiences. Performing well in adverse conditions gave us the self-assurance we could beat the odds. Whenever I thought I couldn’t push myself any further, I remembered that cold night climbing back down a mountain when I was eleven years old, and I was confident I had what it took to keep moving on. Read Secrets of A Strong Mind.
3. Manage Emotions. While neither my brother or I panicked, we were scared—but we never let negativity set in. We acknowledged our fears but remained confident in our ability to get home safely.
5. Pace yourself. My brother and I both knew that if we stopped, we’d freeze to death before morning. On the other hand, if we depleted our resources, we’d be unable to continue.
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
