5 Strategies To Deal With Difficult Colleagues

September 11th, 2017 by LaRae Quy

It is hard to put difficult colleagues into a one-size-fits-all box. After all, they come in so many shapes and sizes. No workplace is without them.

What about the passive-aggressive who feeds on bullying others? How about the know-it-all corporate climber who walks all over people in her 5 inch stilettos? Or the two-faced backstabber who delights in betraying confidences?

Difficult colleagues create stressful environments and unpleasant working conditions. A survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 65% of Americans cited work as a top source of stress. Only 37% of Americans surveyed said they were doing an excellent or very good job managing stress. In fact, work-related problems significantly outpaced other leading causes of stress such as health concerns or family responsibilities.

Not all stress at work can be blamed on difficult colleagues, but our workplace is a perfect breeding ground for people who push our buttons. A gossip who might not ordinarily get on our nerves becomes toxic when we are forced to work with them on a daily basis.

Unfortunately for entrepreneurs, business owners, and leaders, difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity.

The way your team deals with difficult colleagues will have a major impact on their careers and their well-being. Here are 5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues:

1. Keep Friends Close, Enemies Even Closer

A difficult colleague may not be your enemy, but the more you know about them, the better you can understand them.

I will admit that, as an FBI agent, there are people out there who considered me to be the difficult colleague. I (sometimes) regret that I left casualties in the squadroom, but I also know I had reasons for taking my stance. I’m not justifying my behavior; I make this point to underscore the importance of trying to understand the difficult colleague.

A Buddhist practice suggests that if someone is causing you to suffer, it’s because they’re suffering as well.

If someone had taken the time to ask me about my behavior, I would have pointed out that I am an overachiever. As such, I put so much pressure on myself to excel that, at times, I had no time for the pettiness of common courtesy! The stress I put on myself to run undercover operations and develop human intelligence (humint) sources caught up with me; I ended up incredibly sick for several months.

TIP: Take the time to understand that your workplace antagonist is an imperfect person, just like you. You don’t have to like them but if you can understand why they act like a jerk, you might be able to prevent yourself from adding fuel to the fire.

2. Know What Pushes Your Buttons




No one escapes childhood without a few bruises and scrapes. We all have flash points that stem from our upbringing, family life, and relationships. Anger or frustration can be triggered when we least expect it. We react to a situation or individual rather than choose our response.

Our buttons are our responsibility to uncover. It’s so much easier to blame the difficult colleague or stupid supervisor rather than admit we have our own flaws.

Instead, take a look at why you react to certain people or situations in a negative way. Mental toughness is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success. You need to be brave enough to look at yourself with honesty and compassion. This might mean going back to childhood hurts to discover the patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you now.

TIP: Don’t be a wimp. Get a handle on what those buttons are and who, or what, pushes them. Rather than seeing difficult colleagues as a burden, they could actually be your ticket to dramatic professional growth.

3. Save The Fight For What Matters

Analyze the person and situation so you can rule out “false triggers” that create unnecessary stress in your environment. If you can’t, you will be at the mercy of the office bullies because they will know how to manipulate you. By pushing one of your buttons, you can be made to look oversensitive, weak, or gullible.

TIP: Be responsive, not reactive when someone pushes your buttons. A knee-jerk reaction is never a good choice.

4. Keep A Lid On Anger

Anger flares up when we feel that we, or another co-worker, have been unjustly treated by the difficult colleague. There are several reasons anger is not a good reaction:

  • An unpleasant emotion
  • Bad for your health
  • Clouds your judgment
  • Makes you look unprofessional

Avoid anger in the workplace. If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you risk being seen as unable to handle the situation like a seasoned professional. Worse yet, you may get labeled as being a difficult colleague as well.

TIP: Don’t flare up in the immediate heat of a confrontation. Instead, allow yourself to observe what is happening without getting caught up in it (meditation can help you with this). If you feel you can’t control your anger, try stalling for time. Here are some suggestions:

“Can I have a little more time to think this through? I’ll get back to you with an answer.”

“This isn’t on today’s agenda. Can we talk about it later?”

“I have a deadline. Can I get back to you on that?”

Bottom line: get out of the situation as quick as you can so you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If not, wait until your emotions are under control and then choose your response rather than reacting with negativity.

5. Face Conflict

Conflict avoidance is not always a great idea, either. Staying away from disagreements and conflict creates stress as well.

If you’re faced with a difficult colleague, take some time out to reflect on the situation. Think about what the ideal outcome would be for you. What would you hope to accomplish from a conversation with your colleague?

Talk the situation out with other co-workers to gage their assessment of it. They might be able to offer constructive advice and observations.

Don’t criticize, blame, or judge. Point out what you both agree upon at the beginning of the conversation.

TIP: Things might not change between you and the difficult colleague at first, but it’s worth a try. In a corporate environment that is known for tactics and playing games, develop a reputation of someone who is direct, personal and genuine. You’ll stand out!

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

7 Responses to “5 Strategies To Deal With Difficult Colleagues”

  1. Great Post LaRae! I lespecially ove the responsive not reactive tip. Coworkers, customer service representatives, community and family members – are all so much more effective when learn to do this.

  2. M says:

    The best part, Q!

    “…difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity…”

    And there in lies the problem.

    And I went through the steps with the owner, step by step about how this employee was reducing overall productivity. Things calmed down for a while, but….

    He was very skilled,very experienced, and worked for a little more than half of what he could have made across the river.

    My thoughts, he never would have been hired, or would have been quickly fired if he tried to find a job in a place that had better structure.

    How did it turn out? We’ll never know. As the economy declined, the layoffs eventually reached me. That was when I began blogging and writing articles about management, economics, and the exploits of my cat Trygg, who became a consultant after getting his G.E.D.

    Great article on dealing with troublesome employees. Still, “The Boss” won’t do anything until it hits where it hurts. The wallet. And the littlest man on the totem pole can cause the biggest problem to the bottom line.

    Not an exact analogy, but “Yours is a very bad hotel” that I viewed during a seminar by Alf Nucifora bears watching. It is a real life learning lesson. (This back when I was working in economic development. Alas, as a volunteer when I had my website design business.)

    Yours is a Very Bad Hotel

    “Bosses don’t want to hear about problems. Bosses don’t want to hear about solutions because that means there were problems. And bosses don’t want to hear about problems.” Slim Fairview
    The Quotations of Slim Fairview (c) 2017


    • LaRae Quy says:

      Well said, M. Difficult colleagues do not always means bad employees. There is a difference. I got along very well with an individual who was a great employee for me. She did everything asked of her, did it well, and had the initiative to tackle an issue before it became a problem. She never overstepped her role. She was, unfortunately, a difficult colleague for the others on my team. She was not liked and it created problems. I felt that I was being asked to defend her or take sides because the team made it clear: she was a problem for them because she wasn’t a team player. Ultimately, I approached her and suggested she might be happier in a more autonomous situation so she transferred. But, the team missed her input and we had to work hard to make up for her loss.

  3. Excellent article LaRae! I once had a co-worker who drove me nuts. She was such a know-it-all and loved to tell me what to do. She also was never open to my suggestions even though she was the new kid on the block. We never developed a trusting relationship. Well after I left I did still keep in touch with her but I was never able to truly trust her. Still careful with her today.

    Thanks LaRae for your great strategies.

    • LaRae Quy says:

      The know-it-all pops up in every workplace…and no one likes them! I’m with you…I trust my instincts and if they warn me that the person is not trustworthy, I keep them at arm’s length. Thanks Terri!

  4. Alli Polin says:

    There was an EA for our division who hated me. I could guess the many reasons why but none of them were what she liked to say behind my back. I became a confidant to the SVP, a role that she previously felt was somehow official and her’s. I had no idea. I was the new person in the company. She smiled with her mouth, but not her eyes, when I came in her office to talk with her or ask a question. Eventually, I was upfront and said I wanted to be on the same team as her. It also helped (or maybe it didn’t) that the SVP told her that she had to work with me like it or not. The longer I took the attitude that “we’re on the same team. There’s no reason for us to be adversaries,” the better our relationship became. Were we friends? NO. Did I like her? Not so much. Did we have to work together and was she good at her job? Yup. Happily, we did get to a point where we could work together. I was the head of our consulting division and it wasn’t going to serve either one of us to be at each other forever. To this day, I admit, I wouldn’t work with her again despite our progress. 🙂

    Great suggestions here, LaRae. It’s a situation that just about everyone has been in at one time or another.



    • LaRae Quy says:

      Ha! LOVE that story, Alli. And good for you for reaching out and creating ways you and she could work together. There will always be that “person” who is a pill and difficult to be around. Your attitude was awesome and allowed you two to work together even though you never grew to like her. And perhaps that is the point…we don’t have to like our colleagues but we do need to find ways to work with them. Thanks so much!

Leave a Reply