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Posts Tagged ‘communication’
Sunday, July 17th, 2011
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Communication is difficult. Sometimes the message you intend to get across is understood by others, but many times it is not. Communication consists of more than the spoken or written word—nonverbal messages are conveyed as well.
When there is a conflict between what is said verbally and what is transmitted through body language, the body is always more accurate in revealing true emotions and feelings.
Old Habits Die Hard
Babies will pucker their lips when fed food they don’t like, whether they were born in Africa or Norway. These same babies will show delight in their faces when they see their mothers. We may be older but our reactions are still very simple.
We are happy, sad, disgusted, angry, afraid, or surprised—and we show emotions through our body gestures throughout our lives.
A five-year-old child is likely to cover their mouth when they tell a lie. This gesture continues to mature throughout their adult life. Instead of covering their whole mouth, they may rub their fingers around their lips.
In the case of president Bill Clinton, one of the most telling nonverbal gestures while answering questions about Monica Lewinsky in front of a grand jury were his two front index fingers pressed together and touching the tip of his nose, effectively covering his mouth in the process.
Gestures Come In Clusters
Conversations are a string of words put together to create meaning. One word, by itself, can mean many things, or nothing. A sentence, however, expresses complete thoughts.Similarly, one gesture can mean anything—it’s only when we put them together that they have meaning. Nonverbal gestures come in clusters so it’s important to observe a person’s initial cluster of gestures to establish a norm.
It’s a serious error to interpret a solitary gesture. Scratching the head can mean confusion or it could indicate a serious case of dandruff.
Many people punctuate with constant gestures and movement while others are relatively still. They key is to notice how these gestures change during a conversation.
Women’s Intuition or Body Language?
A hunch or gut feeling that someone has not been truthful really means that the spoken word and the body language do not agree. This is the essence of intuition. Are women better at it than men? Here is one very simple explanation:
Women who have raised children are usually better at hunches than others. For the first few years, mothers rely almost exclusively on the nonverbal messages of young children. It is the way they communicate with each other.
Tips On How to Read Body Language
As an FBI counterintelligence agent, I worked closely with the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit on several of my cases. Here are some tips I want to share with you on how to recognize and interpret body language:
Head
The head shows the most expressive body language characteristics. There has been a lot of research done on reading facial features and here are some generalizations that you can rely on when trying to read a person’s face to determine whether or not they’re being sincere:
- Contempt – lip corner tightens and lifts on one side of the face
- Happy – a real smile will always have crow’s feet wrinkles and pushed up cheeks
- Surprise – lasts for only a second: eyebrows raised, mouth open, eyes wide open
- Anger – eyebrows down and together, narrowing of lips
Eyes
As a general rule, breaks in eye contact are the most important non-verbal gesture. If you suspect deception in a conversation, here are some eye clues to watch for at the point at which they tell a lie:
- Closing the eyes
- Covering the eyes
- Glancing at watch
- Showing intense interest in fingernails
- Looking out the window or at the floor
- Avoid looking you in the eye during the moment of deception
- Rapid eye movement
- Raising eyebrows
Eye movements can reveal what a person is focusing on during your conversation.
- Recalling a visual memory—eyes move upward.
- Recalling something they heard—eyes move to the side
- Recalling a feeling—eyes look down and to the right
- Thinking to oneself—eyes look down and to the left
Hands
There are more connections between the brains and the hands than any other body part.
- Palm up—nonthreatening. Even animals recognize this approach as friendly.
- Palm down—authority. Think of the Nazi salute.
- Pointing finger—leaves a negative feeling in most listeners
- Squeezing thumb against the fingertips—avoids intimidating the audience
- Shaking with two hands is meant to convey sincerity and trust. Don’t do this unless you and the other person have a strong bond of some sort. Otherwise, you end up coming across like a smarmy politician.
- Grasping elbow with left hand—communicates depth of feeling and was commonly used by Bill Clinton with everyone.
- Holding the shoulder with left hand—invades personal space and may result in a hug
People notice and form opinions of you based on your behavior. This includes nonverbal messages. Effective communicators realize that the intangibles we associate with positive character traits are most often expressed nonverbally.
What positive character traits do you convey nonverbally? What tips do you have for interpreting body language? What nonverbal clues do you pick up when someone is being deceitful?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Article first published on www.linked2leadership.com
Tags: body language, communication, deception, eye movements, facial features, gestures, handshakes, lying, Non-verbal Communication, Nonverbal communication, verbal behavior, women's intuition
Posted in communication, leadership, personal achievement, self development | 1 Comment »
Monday, March 14th, 2011
![Empty shout [EXPLORED]](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4090/4845509230_0da5196582_m.jpg "Empty shout [EXPLORED]") Image by Joaquin Villaverde Photography via Flickr The designer for Christian Dior, John Galliano, was fired after a video surfaced that showed his anti-Semitic rants at a Paris bar. Words can be dangerous because they trigger our thoughts and emotions. Galliano joins a long list of celebrities who haven’t yet learned the importance of choosing wise words.
I suspect we’ve all embarrassed ourselves at some point in life by saying the wrong thing. Usually, we have the good sense to either shut up or apologize later. John Galliano did neither.
Is there anyone in a successful relationship that hasn’t learned that wise words are not about wisdom? They are about being thoughtful and present to others.
Seminary Lessons
I’m finishing up three years at San Francisco Theological Seminary to become a Spiritual Director. This is someone who helps others to explore and cultivate the spiritual dimension of their life. People often tell me they think it’s a huge jump to move from being an FBI counterintelligence agent to a spiritual director.
Actually, it’s not. Both are about digging beneath the surface and uncovering the unknown to get at the truth—it is a great adventure, perhaps Your Best Adventure.
One of the first practices of spiritual direction is to stay in the moment. This may sound easy, but it means staying fully focused on the needs of the people with whom you’re communicating and putting their needs before your own. This means that you do not come first—and this is why really paying attention to someone else can be so difficult.
How To Pay Attention
Here are a few ways to stay in the moment with another person:
- Focus on them and give them your full attention.
- Fight the urge to race ahead when they are speaking.
- Concentrate on people’s feelings—the heart always trumps the head.
- Watch for eye movement when speaking because you may have touched a soft spot.
- Observe their lips when speaking because they are the most expressive part of the body.
What we say is often not what we mean. Can you recall a day in your life when every single word came out exactly as you intended? Most of us can’t. We use wise words when we are mindful of the power of our words and the messages underneath them. What’s really important, and what has gotten John Galliano into so much trouble, is the emotion behind the words.
What is Wise Speech?
Any idiot can blurt out words that were given no thought. Good leaders, however, carefully hone their message and mindfully express themselves. The cultivation of wise words takes effort. Wise speech is:
- Attuned to the quality of our words and their effects on others.
- Not motivated by the need to feel superior and be intimidating.
- Is never cruel or harsh.
- Invites everyone to improve on the communication process.
- Does not place pressure on others into doing what you want.
- Is not manipulative.
Keeping It All In Perspective
Perhaps the most important aspect of using wise words is to not take yourself too seriously. Here is a list of words not chosen well taken from church bulletins.
- The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
- “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
- Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
I hope these church bulletin bloopers brought a smile to your face. A genuine smile is a sure sign that wise words are on the way.
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
How do you know when you’ve not paid enough attention to someone else? How would you describe wise speech? How do you create mental plans to improve your use of wise words?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Tags: communication, emotions, leaders, mindfulness, relationships, spiritual direction, wisdom, wise words
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Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Michelle Obama rarely makes a false move, but the response to her recent vacation in Spain proved that critics are willing to treat her like other political figures who “step in it” when they veer off the beaten path. It can get smelly and even toxic if left to linger for too long. Some of the criticism has been harsh and Michelle has even been compared to Marie Antoinette who, when told of high unemployment and rising healthcare costs, suggested the little people eat cake.
Or something like that.
Growing up on a cattle ranch in Wyoming, I know first hand how unpleasant “stepping in it” can be. Our corrals were full of “it” and it’s stickiest when fresh. It doesn’t help that as Americans are settling for staycations, in an economy that also smells bad, the first lady is seen recently visiting private Spanish beaches and kicking up her Manolo Blahniks. As New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd observed, if she wanted a beach trip, she could have gone to New Orleans and helped clean up a pelican.
During my FBI firearms training, I learned the importance of minimizing the impact of a bad situation as soon as possible. Wait too long, and the damage can be irrevocable. These tips can work for FBI agents, Michelle Obama, and you.
1. What Looks Like a Problem, is Often a Result of the Situation
The economy is in bad shape. Vacationing in Spain under normal circumstances would not be a big deal. Even a family vacation wouldn’t be resented. But Michelle, this looks like another fun little European jaunt for the girls and those haven’t been in style since the boom years of Alan Greenspan’s economy. Perception is reality. Michelle Obama is the first lady and whether she asked for it or not, everything she says and does send a message to Americans. Eleanor Roosevelt understood this—difficult situations dictate different responses.
TIP: Ask yourself whether the situation would be a problem if the circumstances were different. If not, look to the situation for tips on how to handle the problem.
2. What Looks Like a Problem, is Often the Result of Poor Communication
Oh Mama Obama, what were you thinking? We won’t know unless you tell us! Often we say and do things that give the wrong impression or inaccurately express what we’re thinking. Communication can be difficult; clarity in communication can be even more difficult. If we’re unable, or unwilling, to tell others what we’re thinking, the only clue they have of what’s on our mind is our actions. Often, we get into trouble because we assume that our behaviors don’t need to be explained—wrong!
TIP: Invite an individual (not involved in the situation) to listen as you explain your position on a potential problem. Can you explain your point of view with clarity and precision? Ask this individual to repeat back to you what they think you said. FBI agents pre-brief, brief, and then debrief before, during, and after every major operation to prevent miscommunication.
3. What Looks Like a Problem, is Often a Lack of Self-Control
Good leaders understand that sometimes, it’s not all about them. Just because we want something, doesn’t mean we deserve it, and it doesn’t mean we deserve it right now. Power corrupts because a sense of entitlement accompanies it. People become good leaders not because they are great thinkers; they become good leaders because they rally the troops and make people feel they’re part of a team—a good one. No one is left behind with staycations and unemployment checks. Good leaders lead by example and this is a powerfully persuasive tool.
TIP: Don’t create a problem if one doesn’t exist by not thinking through the implication of your actions. How will your decision affect others? Is your decision creating a problem that could be avoided by tweaking either your language or modifying behavior? When FBI agents arrest an individual, there will be problems for that person and their family, but anticipating those problems can prevent the situation from becoming mushrooming into something much worse.
“You have to accept whatever comes, and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Take Away
Minimize the negative impact of decisions by anticipating the problems before they arrive.
How has your quick reaction to a difficult situation minimized the negative impact?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Tags: Alan Greenspan, communication, Eleanor Roosevelt, Marie Antoinette, Maureen Dowd, Michelle Obama, New Orleans, New York Times, persuasive, Spain
Posted in communication, decision making, personal achievement, persuasion, self development | No Comments »
Monday, August 9th, 2010
Spy movies come in two forms: Ian Fleming 007 violence or John le Carre melancholy realism. In both genre’s, however, it is the look and feel of the movie that offer so much texture to the experience, not the words. The way that James Bond looks at a woman; the way George Smiley nods his head. The meaning of their messages doesn’t need to be explained. We can observe—and more importantly, interpret—the meaning of each non-verbal communication.
Alas, real life spies aren’t always as clever at recognizing the dangers around them as those in the movies. The Russian spy ring lived in America among the neighbors who didn’t suspect anything out of the ordinary. And yet, the FBI had surrounded them with undercover agents and human informants for over ten years.
On July 24th, 2010 Russia’s Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin said that he had met with the Russian agents swapped in an exchange with the U.S. He expressed his admiration for them and said that they had a very tough life in America. Not only did they have to master a foreign language as their own, he said, they also had to think and act like foreigners.
Secret agents can be taught to say the right thing, but it’s much more difficult to teach them to feel and react in a way that doesn’t betray their true inner feelings. This is how we know a good actor from a great one: they can convey the complexity of their feelings through body language, without having to say a word.
As an FBI agent, I was trained to observe—and interpret—non-verbal gestures. There are many books on how to read body language but I’m going to share with you only those tips I learned from the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.
The FBI study of body language begins with two generalizations.
Norming
“Norming” refers to acquainting yourself with the person’s normal pattern of gestures. This means taking time before beginning a discussion in critical areas to determine how the person reacts in a normal conversation. Many people punctuate with constant gestures and movement while others are relatively still. They key is to notice how these gestures change during a conversation.
For example, if Aunt Mabel scratches her nose while talking about her childhood, it may mean nothing. However, if she breaks eye contact, rubs her nose, and raises her eyebrows, those clusters of activity indicate that a critical area in the conversation has been reached—at least for her.
Physiological Signs
 - Image by goron via Flickr
The head shows the most expressive body language characteristics. Here are some physiological signs that can be easily observed:
- Blushing—a sign of reaction to your conversation
- Carotid pulse—arteries in the neck that will visibly pulse when under stress
- Larynx—the Adam’s apple will start to bounce under stress
The Eyes Have It
As a general rule, breaks in eye contact are the most important non-verbal gesture. Here are some other examples:
- Closing the eyes
- Covering the eyes
- Glancing at watch
- Showing intense interest in fingernails
- Looking out the window or at the floor
- Avoid looking you in the eye during the moment of deception
- Rapid eye movement
- Raising eyebrows
This is a very partial list and we’ll be looking at more signs in the weeks and months to come.
TIP: Look for clusters of activity that can indicate deception or that a critical area in the conversation has been reached.
The eyes believe themselves; the ears believe other people.
German Proverb
Take Away
People will reveal what they feel through non-verbal gestures regardless of what they say.
What non-verbal behaviors have you noticed in people?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy.
Tags: communication, FBI, non-verbal, Russian spy ring, secret agents, spies
Posted in communication, personal achievement, persuasion, Russian spy ring, secret agents, self development, spies | 3 Comments »
Friday, July 30th, 2010
An image of the FBI making an arrest gets our attention. We sit up a little straighter as we look to see whether the criminal is someone we know—or, for some of us, maybe a relative. We cheer for the good guys and feel good about our tax dollars being put to good use.
Most people go into a mild shock when they’re arrested. It’s a traumatic experience even for a hardened criminal. When the mild-mannered Russian spies were arrested in June 2010, it was unexpected, and therefore, sent shockwaves through the jail cells of the would-be secret agents like a tsunami washes over a beach. It didn’t take long for all of them to plead guilty and settle for deportation.
A sudden shock gets our attention. I call it the Theory of Inoculation because inoculations get the attention of our body’s immune system by introducing a small dose of the disease. This jolts the body into action and antibodies are produced to protect us against further infection. In the same way, an extreme suggestion can introduce an idea that is initially so shocking that we welcome “middle ground” as a desirable alternative.
This is a technique used with great success by retailers, ex-spouses, and terrorists. I ran across this letter and think it gives a perfect example of how extreme suggestions can work in the way we communicate ideas:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Since I left for college, many things have happened. I apologize for not writing sooner, but you’ve been in my thoughts. Please, do not cry until you’ve read my entire letter but you had better prepare yourself by sitting down.
First, my jail sentence went by faster than I expected. The food wasn’t that bad, really, and I felt lucky that I lost only 50 pounds. Being female, I didn’t know what to expect but my cellmate was a businesswoman named Sugar and she’s offered me a regular job with her escort service. She assures me that I’ll be escorting very nice gentlemen to innocent parties and not to worry about the nasty rumors. I’m not sure what she means, but she says she’s got a great lawyer.
While in jail I met the man of my dreams. He’s out on parole now and we’ve found a wonderful little cubbyhole under the Golden Gate Bridge to live in until he finds a proper job. He’s an enterprising young man and I know you’ll like him. For example, he’s up and going through the trash bins before anyone else in the area! Yes, I’m homeless right now and although my boyfriend thinks I should take up Sugar’s offer on employment, I’m worried that my pregnancy will not make me a desirable escort.
Yes, I’m going to have a baby! And as soon as my boyfriend’s infection clears up, we’ll get our blood tests and have a real wedding. I know you’ll welcome him with open arms and perhaps even help him find a job. You should also know that he never graduated from high school, but he has high ambitions.
Now that you have all the news worth telling, I want to tell you that I didn’t get arrested, I didn’t lose 50 pounds, I’m not thinking of going to work for Sugar, I didn’t meet a boyfriend in jail, I’m not homeless, and I’m not pregnant. I am, however, getting a D in economics, which wouldn’t be so bad but it is, unfortunately, my major. I wanted you to see this in proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Lori
Yes, there are times when the middle ground can seem like a gift from heaven.
For the Russian spies, the extreme suggestion of jail made the middle ground of deportation sound like a good deal.
Tip: Extreme suggestions, or the inoculation theory, rely on fear of the unknown. This is a persuasion technique that is very effective. You are much less vulnerable to manipulation by others if you can pinpoint the following:
- What grabbed your attention?
- What fear is triggered?
- What has your response been to this same type of fear in other situations?
- Has that response served you well?
“He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise.”
Lao Tzu
Take Away
Pay attention to what fears grab your attention and your response to them.
When have you felt manipulated into accepting “middle ground” as a good alternative?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Tags: communication, FBI, personal achievement, persuasion, Russia, self development
Posted in personal achievement, persuasion, Russian spy ring, self development | No Comments »
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