Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Do You Make These Mistakes In Difficult Conversations?

Monday, November 6th, 2017

I could not avoid difficult conversations in my line of work. My job as an FBI agent was to pull back the surface and probe for the truth. Often, my difficult conversations involved people who were too scared to admit anything. They wanted to keep the truth hidden, forever. Or, they held opinions that diverged from mine.

Some topics are so sensitive and emotionally charged that good conversations are never easy.

As leaders, you may need to tell a client that the project is delayed. Give an employee an unpleasant performance appraisal. Or, tell a successful, longtime employee that his position is being eliminated.

In today’s divisive world, it’s almost impossible to avoid difficult conversations. You may find yourself in a political debate with a colleague. More and more, people refuse to talk with others who share differing opinions about a variety of issues.

I learned early that there is no human being on the planet with whom you have nothing in common. Sometimes I had to work very hard to find that common ground. The secret is in whether you maintain the right attitude.

Do you make these common mistakes in difficult conversations?

Mistake #1: Interrupting The Other Person

Listen to what the other person is saying. Hear them out and don’t interrupt. Let them tell their story or make their point.

Make sure your actions back up your words. Don’t say, “I understand” as you check your text messages.

TIP: Focus your attention on what the other person is saying. Don’t wait for them to finish so you can jump in with a response. If you are thinking of a response while they are speaking, you aren’t really listening.

Mistake #2: Approach The Conversation With A Need To Be Right

The purpose of a conversation is to listen to what the other person is saying. We listen to understand. Not to decide whether the other person is right or wrong. When we feel the need to be right, it means the other person is wrong. This is a rigid win/lose mindset that creates even more conflict.

TIP: Approach a difficult conversation with an open mind and sincere intent to understand what is being said.

Mistake #3: Jump To Snap Judgments

This is a big one because we all make snap judgments. Often, our snap judgments are correct and that is why we rely on them. But, when we’re wrong, they prevent us from getting accurate information.

Psychologists call the tendency to lump people into stereotypes as the “halo and horns effect.” If we approve of some quality they possess, we judge them more positively in other areas as well. The opposite is also true.

TIP: Research proves that we all have biases. So, drop your assumptions about a person because you may not have all the facts. People change and grow, so update your assumptions from time to time.

Mistake #4: Failure To Show Respect

Take a cue from our headlines—lack of respect has become an epidemic in America. But like any illness, there is an antidote. Empathize with other people. Their experiences and backgrounds are different from yours so try to learn from them. This does not mean you must accept their opinions, but you do need to show respect and listen.

As the spokesperson for the FBI, I did a live TV interview on the topic of Crimes Against Children. The other guest was a convicted child molester who was now out of prison. The producer sat us next to one another with the reporter in front. It took all my restraint to politely listen to him speak about why he molested litle girls. Both the reporter and I showed this man respect. He expressed remorse. He also said interviews like this one were intended to persuade other molesters to get help.

If I can keep my mouth shut and politely hear someone out, so can you. You never know what the other person has experienced or feels. But, with a little respect, you might see the other side of the situation.

TIP: Practice empathy. Watch a video or interview of someone you don’t like. Focus on understanding how that person believes they are doing good.

Mistake #5: Let Emotions Run Wild

Difficult conversations often revolve around emotionally charged issues. Whether it’s politics, religion, or poor performance issues, reactions can be intense.

Emotional competence is the ability to understand and manage emotions in a today’s environment. It is a cornerstone of mental toughness. We are emotionally competent if we know how to control our emotions rather than allowing our emotions to control us.

Professor Robert Plutchik created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as annoyance can move on to anger or even escalate to rage.

TIP: Human beings are hard-wired to be emotional. If your emotions get the best of you, be adult enough to admit you said something stupid or hurtful. Then put it behind you and move on.

Mistake #6: Give Up Too Early

Stick it out. Talk through difficult topics even if you want to walk away. There might be moments in the conversation when silence occurs. Silence can be an opportunity for the message to sink in. A pause can morph into a moment of clarity.

TIP: Extroverts tend to think as they speak, so they are more uncomfortable with silence. On the other hand, introverts want to think before they speak. If you understand these differences, it will help you navigate moments of silence so you don’t give up too early.

Mistake #7: Forget To End Well

There is no need to have the last word. If at all possible, do everything you can to preserve the relationship. Relationships can take years to build and minutes to blow up over a difference of opinion.

If possible, think about how your discussion might fix the situation or at least expand your understanding of it. The last thing you want to do is create an irreparable wall between youself and the other person.

TIP: Always end a difficult conversation in a friendly and gracious way. Try to find common ground that will set the groundwork and tone for future constructive conversations.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

 

How To Develop Grit In Times Of Crisis

Monday, August 14th, 2017

The Chinese word for crisis is made by combining two characters meaning crisis and opportunity. The wise and ancient Chinese understood that the true nature of a crisis is an opportunity in disguise.

A crisis implies change that has not been invited and an outcome that is not predictable. Rarely do changes come into our life that do not require an significant amount of restructuring and readjustment.

Similar to remodeling a house, you will be required to tear down what needs to be renovated and replace it with stronger materials. This can feel like a crisis when your abilities are tested and you reach that point where you dig deep for the grit to endure the reconstruction.

Grit is what separates successful people from their competition. Grit is not knowing what to do, but doing it anyway. It is endurance, conviction, and pluckiness. It will take you where you want to go when change starts to feel like a crisis.

Here is how to develop grit in times of crisis:

1. Know When To Stop Struggling

There is a difference between knowing when to quit and knowing when to stop the struggle against something that we cannot stop. When we quit, we throw in the towel, admit defeat, and feel like a victim of our circumstances.

If we stop the struggle, we face up to our fear. “What is the worst that could happen?” This is the first step toward detecting new possibilities that may reveal themselves in our circumstances.

How To Make It Work For You: Do not quit when you feel you can no longer deal with a crisis. Instead, find ways to adapt to your new circumstances. Have the grit to stay in the game but be flexible in your attempt to correct a situation according to your idea of “right.”

2. Manage Emotions

When facing a crisis, emotional incontinence is a temptation and we share our sorrows with anyone who will listen. To those who have created our crisis, it’s an admission that they have the power to hurt us. If the people who are listening are outsiders, they are helpless to offer us sound advice on how to move forward.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore and tamp down what you are feeling! Emotional competence is one of the cornerstones of mental toughness. If we are emotionally intelligent and aware of our innermost emotions, we have a much better chance of responding to a crisis in a way that is positive.

How To Make It Work For You: If you manage your emotions, thoughts, and behavior during a crisis, you will have a better chance of recognizing new opportunities as they unfold.

3. Keep Ego In Check

Our ego takes a beating when shit hits the fan and we find ourselves up to our knees in it. No one likes to suffer or face unpleasant situations. They are, however, a fact of life and if we can keep our ego in check, we can come through them stronger.

Everyone knows how to survive in good times. That doesn’t take any talent. It’s the trying times that separate those who have what it takes to succeed from those who just project the image.

How To Make It Work For You: Developing grit is a quality that is essential for our personal growth. We take responsibility for our actions. When we stop whining, pointing fingers, and blaming others—especially during a crisis—we are able to choose our destiny.

4. Maintain Clarity Of Vision

Vision is where you see your life heading. Goals are the stepping stones to get there. Goals should be reviewed and revised on a yearly basis. If you don’t, goals can end up obstructing your original vision for yourself.

Vision and passion are the linchpin of grit. It is doing something and following a dream that gives you both value and meaning.

How To Make It Work For You: When you feel your grit begin to waver, remember the reason you want to accomplish your goal. If you surrender and give up, ask yourself if it’s because there is no fire in your belly and you are not really following your vision.

5. Develop An Entrepreneurial Mindset

Most interviews or studies of entrepreneurs only look at people who have been successful. They rarely focus on asking questions about what made them successful in the first place. It’s very difficult for people to describe themselves at the beginning of their career. Most of us could not remember what was going through our mind, especially if we’re scrambling to keep our company afloat.

In a recent study, researchers interviewed over 800 entrepreneurs who had not been in business for more than 3 months. They found two commonalities in the thinking of the most successful entrepreneurs: 1) they could not come up with reasons they might fail, and 2) they couldn’t care less what people think about them.

How To Make It Work For You: Find something that makes you happy and go for it. At the end of the day, the way you feel about yourself and your potential will give you confidence that you can develop the grit you will need in times of crisis.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

5 Ways To Control Emotions

Monday, July 25th, 2016

As Federal laws enforcement, FBI agents are required to control emotions as they conduct investigations in a fair and efficient manner. But it is difficult to look the victim of a crime in the face and not feel anger toward the person who caused the pain. 

Argument

When we let our emotions take control, we become a victim of our circumstances—LaRae Quy

Mental toughness allows us to manage our emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that set us up for success. Emotions and thoughts are linked, but if we can control emotions we do not have to be slaves to them.

Here are 5 ways to control emotions—and have a great day, all backed by research:

1. LOOK INTO YOUR FUTURE

After a long week all I wanted to do was sit, relax, and read. When a friend called and suggested we go for a rigorous hike. I hesitated. Which situation would benefit me the most?

When we can chose one situation over another, we have power over the emotional outcome of our day. So how do we make the right choice on how to spend it?

Psychologists find that people who are emotionally competent (you possess the ability to recognize and control emotions) tend to choose those situations which are most beneficial to them, regardless of whether or not it provides the most pleasure.

TIP:

Don’t let the pursuit of happiness lead you to make decisions that are based purely on fleeting emotional experiences. Instead, look into your future and make decisions that are grounded in a clear vision of long-term goals.

For example, I chose to go for the rigorous hike because physical exercise keeps both the mind and body active, even though I would rather have spent the time on a couch with a good book. 

2. MODIFY YOUR SITUATION

Competitive

I was early for a supervisor’s conference and took a seat; then Earl showed up and sat down beside me. Earl was irksome since he was the kind of guy who made snide remarks while other people talk. I decided to modify my situation—I got up, excused myself, and left the room. I chatted with people in the hallway for five minutes and I came back in. Sure enough, someone else had taken my seat next to Earl and I found another one across the room.

Sometimes it takes more than moving seats to get out of a negative situation. Some events—the loss of your job, the death of a partner, or an unexpected illness—are not controllable. However, no matter the stressful situation, look for ways you can be proactive and take interventional measures.

Recent research suggests that people who do not take steps to modify their situation only compound their problems. If they learn how to reframe their circumstances, they are better able to control their emotions.

TIP:

If the situation is uncontrollable, take proactive measures and expolore new opportunities and options that might not have been available to you before. If the situation is controllable, find ways to modify it—so you can control emotions before they spill out and make matters worse.

Either way, take action.

3. CONCENTRATE—OR DIVERT—YOUR ATTENTION

A female agent, whom I will Lucy because she was always a little loose with the facts, once gave her presentation during a squad briefing. I felt resentment grow with each word she said because the supervisor couldn’t see through her line of bullsh*t.

She exaggerated the facts to make herself look good so I chose to concentrate my attention squarely on Lucy. Why? I wanted to be very clear on where she was slipped up and gave false information.

Research by Gal Sheppes suggests that when we’re in an uncontrollable situation the best way to control emotions and deal with negative ones is to either concentrate on what is in front of us, or divert our attention.

In his studies, he found that most people preferred to divert their attention and think of something completely different when faced with a negative emotion. Since sad and distressing situations can exhaust us, avoidance and self-distraction can be very helpful.

TIP:

Forget traditional thinking where we’re told to find meaning in bad experiences. Instead, scientists say to choose the right coping strategy for the right circumstances. It’s the key to mental health. Sometimes it’s logical to disengage emotionally, but in other contexts it may be harmful. The key is knowing which is which.

4. TACKLE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Knowing that the person I arrested was responsible for the agony and heartache of others made it difficult to treat the suspect with the respect and dignity required by law.

It’s not always possible to turn away from disturbing or unfavorable situations. Mentally tough people tackle thoughts that lead to a negative emotional response. Studies have found that people can cope with unwanted emotions if they imagine the situation as an impartial observer.

When you imagine an event as though you’re a bystander, you will notice that you harbor fewer aggressive and negative emotions.

TIP:

Instead of asking, “Why do I feel that way?” I recommend you put the question in the third person: “Why does LaRae feel this way?” In this way, you can visualize yourself as a mere witness to events.

5. LET IT LOOSE

One of my interviews was a pedophile who had abused his daughter. Since I needed his cooperation, I smiled, kept my face a mask, and acted unfazed by his confession.

The man repulsed me and I had to work hard to keep my feelings from showing. Afterwards, I went for a run and took a long shower—even the smell of him made me nauseous.

Like me, most people try to suppress negative physical reactions when they are angry, frustrated, or disgusted by the situation. Studies by psychologist Roy Baumeister explain why we should not inhibit expressions of stress. If we do, it actually leads to exhaustion and is linked to health problems. My run after the interview was one of the healthiest things I could have done.

TIP:

When confronted with an intense moment, visualize the outcomes you want and identify the actions you need to take to make it happen. Regulate negative emotions; don’t avoid them. Negative emotions can prompt us to dig into our beliefs and misconceptions and help us discover new insight into ourselves.

How do you control your emotions?

© 2016 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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4 Simple Hacks To Sharpen Your Emotional Competence

Sunday, May 1st, 2016

There are times when emotional competence trumps emotional intelligence.

pablo

A few years ago I called an individual whom the FBI suspected of having contact with a hostile intelligence officer. His voice had the warbly sound of an older man and he was clearly rattled by the phone call. My job was twofold: to determine whether he knew the real identity of the foreign spy, and 2) determine whether his contact was legitimate.

He agreed to meet me the next day for coffee. He was very wary at first, but I firmly shook his hand and gently encouraged him to tell me his story.

By taking the time to empathize with his emotions, I gained his trust , respect, and eventually, his cooperation.

Emotional competence is having the savvy to recognize, understand, express, and manage emotions effectively. It has far greater application for executives and entrepreneurs than emotional intelligence, which is the starting point.

A recent article in the Economist reminded anyone who has negotiated a major deal, managed a team, or delivered unpleasant news that emotion is an integral aspect of daily corporate life.

Let’s take a look at 4 simple hacks to sharpen your emotional competence:

1. SHARPEN EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE BY RECOGNIZING YOUR EMOTIONS

The gentleman that I called was scared—he grew up in a country where a visit from the secret police usually meant death or imprisonment.

I recognized where his fear was coming from; I was in a position of power so instead of compounding the negative emotion by threatening him, I allayed his fear by speaking gently and with compassion.

Recognizing an emotion (whether our own or that of others) may sound simple but it is not because our emotional intelligence abilities were not naturally developed as children. We were not born knowing the names of our emotions.

Emotions are not consciously controlled—the part of the brain that deals with emotions is the limbic system which is survival driven. This explains why an emotional response can be straightforward and very powerful.

TIP:

  • Recognize that your initial reaction may often be the honest emotion you are feeling.
  • Undertstand it may be a survival-driven response related to a memory where you either felt threatened or safe.
  • Notice your emotional responses may not have anything to do with your current situation, but you can overcome them with logic and being aware of your reactions.

2. SHARPEN EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE BY UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

Mental toughness is the ability to control your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success.

One of the most highly developed skills of an FBI agent is the ability to understand our emotions because they drive our thinking and behavior.

Emotional competence is the ability to predict your response so you are not surprised by your reaction to a wrinkle in a major deal, a team reorganization, or an unplanned event. If you can predict your response, you can plan how to land on your feet when confronted with the unknown.

TIP:

  • Understand how and why you reacted to a similar situation in the past.
  • Learn what worked, and what did not—be honest with yourself.
  • Figure out how you can replicate the positive outcomes and minimize the negative ones.
  • Recognize similar situations when they arise so you can prepare for your response.

3. SHARPEN EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE BY LABELING YOUR EMOTIONS

In his book, Your Brain at Work, David Rock explains that honestly labeling your emotion is a great way to control it, whether its good and bad. It’s stupid to pretend a negative emotion doesn’t exist, or attempt to avoid it.

Instead, be mentally tough and learn how to control it.

Labeling is being able to accurately identify an emotion when it arises. This prevents it from taking over because when you name it, you move out of the emotional limbic brain system. It then moves into the thinking, cerebral brain.

TIP:

  • Describe an emotion in a word or two, and it will help to reduce the emotion.
  • However, if you open up a dialogue about an emotion, it will only increase its intensity.

4. SHARPEN EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE BY MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS

There is stress that motivates, promotes well-being, and enables you to perform well. Even though it is positive, you can’t stay in that state forever because you will eventually feel burnout.

Negative emotions produce a uncomfortable feeling because it feels like you’re fighting for survival all the time. Eventually you’ll experience health problems.

Learning to manage your emotions is the magic bullet in emotional competence. If you can name the emotion you are experiencing, you can contain it.

TIP:

Ask yourself these questions:

  • When I am stressed or anxious, what is my go-to strategy?
  • Is my go-to strategy effective?
  • If so, why? If not, why not?
  • How can I develop a wider set of strategies when stressed or anxious?

Emotional competence is an incredibly important skill across all aspects of business and life. How do you sharpen up yours?

© 2016 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

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11 FBI Tactics To Win An Argument

Sunday, May 17th, 2015

I was the agent on duty and the woman in front of me was livid, accusing the FBI of harassment and invasion of privacy. As the duty agent, it was my responsibility to listen to her claims and determine whether they had merit or not.

Argument

It quickly became evident that she was working for an individual who had recently been indicted for money laundering and racketeering. So yes, the FBI was interviewing people to get a better idea of who else might be involved. Logically, that net would be cast wide.

Too wide for the likes of the woman determined to battle it out with me in the interview room.

FBI agents are rarely described as warm and fluffy, but neither are they the snarly, snarky shoot-from-the-hip of investigators often depicted on TV and in the movies. The reason is simple: there is a technique to winning an argument or calming down an individual to the point where they not only see reason, but agree to cooperate with an FBI investigation.

There are many types of warfare, and all of them involve some type of escalation between opposing opinions and points of view. Sun Tzu wrote an ancient Chinese treatise called “The Art of War.” His strategies could also be applied to business tactics today:

  • “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
  • “To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”
  • “He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious.”

An argument usually includes heated conversation, but in the business world it can also be a set of reasons aimed at persuading others to take a particular action or adopt an idea.

Either way, here are 10 FBI tactics on how to win an argument and get your point across:

1. Do Not Attack

Attacking someone else’s idea puts them into a fight-or-flight mindset.

Remember the advice of Sun Tzu—break down the enemy’s resistance without fighting.

2. Start Off Friendly

When you make your point in a very friendly manner, you automatically disarm others. It also keeps them from going for a defensive stance or position.

3. Show Respect

Make an effort to respect the other person’s point of view, no matter how ridiculous it sounds to you.

4. Ask Open-Ended Questions

These type of questions allow the other person to explain themselves and not box them into a “right or wrong” answer. It encourages interaction and discussions.

5. Argue The Facts

The single worst thing you can do during an argument is base your conversation around your feelings alone. Present the facts but use mental toughness to control your emotions.

Strong minds have emotional intelligence. This means they can control their emotions instead of letting their emotions control them.

6. Ask How, Not Why

Asking “how” their statement is right is not freighted with as much emotion as asking them “why” it is right. When someone tells you why they are right and you are wrong, it will make them more confident in their convictions. Asking them how will force them out of their emotional, limbic brain system and into their thinking, cerebral brain.

7. Concede

One of the most effective ways to defang an argument in its tracks is to say, “You are right.” This does not mean you are forfeiting your point of view, but it does mean that you are acknowledging that they have a valid point.

8. Stay on Point

When emotions are high, logic is thrown out the window. Do not be that person! Do not respond to irrational and/or emotional appeals of the other person, either, especially if they threaten to derail the main point of the conversation.

If needed, you can say, “Interesting point and we can talk about that later, but right now we’re discussing…”

9. Use Data

When talking, writing, or consulting about how to develop a mentally tough mind that can create breakthroughs, I back up my assertions with neuroscience data. This is not just me peddling a bunch of bullsh*t to pay my mortgage.

If you want to be taken seriously, use information that has credibility and backed by research.

10. Do Not Let It Escalate

In his book, The Political Brain, Drew Westen writes that when people see or hear information that conflicts with their worldview, the parts of the brain that handle reason and logic go dormant. And the parts of the brain that regulate hostile attacks light up.

When an arguments start, persuasion stops. It devolves into a fight, and that brings another frame of mind to the situation. Suddenly, no one cares who is right or wrong and that is a sure way to fail.

11. Appeal To Higher Logic

Try appealing to worthy motives or universal truths that are hard to dispute.

This is what ultimately worked with the irate woman in the FBI interview room. I agreed that it was unpleasant to have the FBI snooping around and asking questions about her. But, once I explained the higher logic of how the FBI was trying to identify accomplices involved in her boss’s racketeering scheme, she agreed that only by interviewing people “in the know” would law enforcement be able to gather the evidence needed.

She eventually became an FBI informant.

How do you win arguments at home and work?

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

Get my FREE Mental Toughness Assessment

Get my FREE Mental Toughness Mini-Course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

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What 5 Things Build Trust In A Relationship?

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

I spent most of my professional career trying to recruit foreign spies to work for the FBI. Foreign Intelligence Officers are trained to believe that FBI agents are not to be trusted because they are manipulative and greedy. 

Communication - 2 people

This stereotype can be a hard nut to crack. FBI Agents have to be masters in selling themselves and their product. The only way to do this is by building trust with the other individual.

And you know what? If I tried to fake it, it didn’t work.

Strengthening relationships is not just a priority for counterintelligence FBI agents who want to establish trust with the Targets of their investigations. You may need to develop trust with team members, competitors, and new clients—it is the most important factor in building relationships.

From my own background and experience, here are some key things you need to do in order to develop trust:

1. Work Hard To Understand The Goals And Priorities Of Others

I developed a genuine appreciation for the Target of my investigation. If I couldn’t, I walked away from the case—the Target deserved better from me.

Your greatest need may be to build stronger connections with competitors, or those who would rather see you fail than succeed. No matter your current relationship, let them know that their goals and priorities are important to you.

Mental toughness is controlling your emotions rather than letting your emotions control you—do not let anger, resentment, or jealousy interfere with your own goals and priorities—to win their trust!

TIP: Keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.

2. Never Lie About The Things That Matter

I approached my meetings with the Target as a collaboration of honest conversations. So, I never lied to the Target. I met him in true name and laid out the proposal in plain language. No tricks and no bait-and-switch.

When you look at someone as an object, or as good or bad to your career, trust cannot be built. Instead, try to be non-judgmental and understand:

  • Their objectives and goals
  • Why it is their objective or goal
  • What they are truly after
  • Where you can find common ground

TIP: To manage the constant flow of information, our brain is hardwired to make snap judgments about people and situations. You will need to intentionally choose to be non-judgmental as you build trust with others.

3. Never Succumb To The Temptation of Manipulation

I always believed my relationship with the Target would be long-term and beneficial to both of us.

Whenever a self-serving agenda becomes apparent, we know we’re being manipulated. When this happens, make an effort to understand why they feel the need to manipulate you rather than communicating with you in a more direct manner.

Maybe they don’t trust you?

TIP: Look for ways that you can help them think about other, more successful ways they can be successful in what they want to achieve. And then help them achieve their goal.

4. One Favor Deserves Another

I resisted the temptation to feel angry or put-upon when the Target started testing our relationship by asking for favors—especially ones that would help make him look good in some way.

The law of reciprocity says that when we do someone a favor, the other person will feel an obligation to reciprocate that favor at some point in the future. Over time, the need to reciprocate the interest, kindness, and effort that you’ve made on their behalf will pay off.

TIP: Trust is built faster and stronger when your agenda is not the first priority.

5. Get Rid Of The Ego

I treated the Target as an equal, and not as a second-class citizen even when I knew he was trying to steal classified U.S military documents.

It’s tempting to take the moral high ground, but I always made an effort to understand why they made the choices they had in life. As I listened to their answers, I answered non-judgmentally and followed up with questions that were not freighted with judgment. 

It means suspending the ego and the certainty of your rightness in the matter. If you make the conversations all about them, you are continually validating them as human beings.

William Shakespeare wrote this famous line—“Love all, trust few.” He had it right—trust only in the few who take a genuine interest in understanding your needs and wants. Trust is not an act.

TIP: Once people trust you, they will trust your message.

Whose message do you trust?

 

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

 

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How Leaders Can Use Emotional Intelligence To Predict Their Success

Sunday, February 15th, 2015

Few could accuse the FBI of being soft and fluffy, and yet emotional intelligence is at the heart of most successful FBI investigations. 

Discomfort zone - duckling

The ability to recognize, control, and express emotions was often the single factor that led to my success in recruiting foreign intelligence officers to work for the U.S. government. It’s also played an essential role in recruiting human intelligence (humint) sources from among the business community.

By remaining alert for how people reacted to different topics of conversation, I gained an insight into how their emotions and thoughts drove their behavior.

While the FBI is constantly training agents how to do their job better, I learned about the importance of emotional intelligence by observing squad mates who failed to demonstrate it.

They were the ones who failed to develop humint sources or get close to the subject of their investigation—they could not break through barriers and develop rapport with people. Not only that, they often had a particular lack of self-awareness—a wreck waiting to happen to anyone, not just those working counterintelligence cases. 

The way in which we react to obstacles, misfortune, and adversity is often the result of habit rather than deliberate choice. With a little training and awareness, we can develop the mental toughness needed to make smarter choices and be more successful.

Here are 5 ways leaders can use emotional intelligence to predict their success:

1. Engage In Psychological Fortune Telling

Our preoccupation with being happy all the time can actually lead us to expect too much from everyday experiences.

Psychologist Maya Tamir recommends that instead of making the pursuit of happiness your guiding principle in stressful situations, you should think about your long-term goal first. Once you’ve clearly identified your long term goal, you can choose the emotion you want to experience in that situation. 

For example, leaders who are under pressure to make a compromise can use emotional intelligence to opt for the emotion or feeling that will help them be more successful.

TIP: Leaders with high emotional intelligence do not always choose the pleasant emotion; instead, they opt for the one that keeps them moving down the road and toward their long-term goals.

2. Early Intervention Is Key

Sometimes we’re thrown into situations where there is no exit strategy. But often, many of us could avoid emotional events by simply anticipating them and taking pro-active measures. We’re better off if we can nip the monster in the bud before it overtakes us.

There is always someone with an irksome laugh or annoying habit to deal with, so develop buffers if you know you’re going to be in their company.

Situations that trigger negative emotions often leave people feeling depressed, especially when they could have been averted. 

Many events that produce stress and negative emotions are uncontrollable, such as accidents or illnesses. Many of them, however, can be managed if leaders are savvy about how to anticipate them and intervene.

TIP: Identify and address your source of stress proactively rather than try to deal with the emotional fallout later. 

3. Avoidance Is Not An Option

It is not always possible to run from a negative situation. Given a choice, most of us would choose to avoid recurring situations that evoke unpleasant or sad feelings. Dealing with people or situations that continually bleed annoying emotions can be exhausting, so we seek distractions or look away with relief.

Studies have shown that those who know the situation is likely to rear it’s ugly head again in the future but have the grit to stick with it, and pierce through the negativity, are far more likely to respond in ways that are constructive. 

The reason is this: when the situation is recurring, you bolster your brain’s ability to observe and detach from inner reactions so you can strengthen emotional management. 

TIP: Identify those situations in your life where avoidance is not an option. You know your emotional buttons will be pushed. Punch through the negativity of the situation so you can find ways to manage your emotional reactions.

4. Reframe Your Emotion

Often, the key to managing emotions is simply to reframe them. Anger and fear are both freighted with energy; so, instead of expressing them in a negative way, channel them into a more positive one. Is a lump of coal or a diamond in the making?

For example, if you are afraid of public speaking, reframe that nervous energy as “getting pumped” for the next performance.

Managing your emotions is a skill; you learn it better when you practice it over time. The same goes for reframing them—it takes intentional training. Often, we let the energy from our emotions decide how we react. We do not intentionally cultivate the emotions that will serve us best.

TIP: Research in Neuroplasticity has shown us that we can literally re-wire our brain by changing the way we think about negative situations. If we can take responsibility for own brain, then we can also take responsibility for our own emotions.

5. Let It All Hang Out

But what if someone insults you? You cannot avoid feeling hurt no matter how hard you try to control your response. 

There are times when we need to express our emotions because holding them back takes a toll.

Psychologist Roy F. Baumeister conducted a series of experiments where people who suppressed their emotions (both happy and sad) tended to give up sooner on later projects. Resisting emotional  responses had taxed their willpower and energy.

TIP: Other research has found that people who suppress their emotions all the time have an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and suffer from more broken relationships, chronic pain, tinnitus, and diabetes than the rest of the population.

Leaders who use emotional intelligence to anticipate their reactions, visualize the outcomes, and identify the actions that could change future feelings are in a better position to predict their success.

How has emotional intelligence helped you to be more successful?

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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