Posts Tagged ‘humor’

7 Stupid Things You’re Doing To Make Yourself Less Likable

Monday, June 19th, 2017

As an FBI agent, I needed to be likable as well as credible. As a likable person, I was able to exert a great deal of influence on others because I was able to connect with them in a meaningful way.

Likable people do better in business as well. Clients listen to them, trust them, and are willing to give them the benefit of doubt.

As a business owner or entrepreneur, your ability to be likable can be a big factor in your success. If you come across as likable, you will be better treated by investors, colleagues, and clients.

Being seen as likable often comes down to the smallest of behaviors. Unknowingly, you may be doing things that cause people to dislike you. 

If you are mentally tough, you will be able to manage these behaviors in ways that will set you up for success.

Here are 7 stupid things you may be doing to make yourself less likable:

1. PRETEND TO SMILE

When you pretend to smile, only the corners of your mouth will curl upward. This is called a smarmy “social smile” and is used by celebrities and politicans. A lot.

Research by Paula Niedenthal suggests that a true smile enlists not only the muscles around your mouth, but also those around the eye socket. Visually, a genuine smile will activate lines around the eye known as “crows feet.” In addition, our brain is wired to mimic the smile of others. If the smile is real, our brain will activate the same areas on our own face; subconciously we recognize almost immediately whether the greeting was genuine or not.

How To Make It Work For You: Maintain eye contact with the other person and notice how they mirror your facial gestures: they smile when you smile, they frown when you frown, they nod their head when you nod. Keep in mind how people will mirrow your behavior and make sure you are sending the right message.

2. PUSH TO THE FRONT

You want to impress the other person, right? You let them know that you’re smart, sophisticated, and ambitious. Everything about you shouts, “I’m first! I’m the winner!”

But here is the bad news—everyone sees right through it.

Likable people do not try to compete with the people they are meeting or brag about their accomplishments. Instead, they spend time complimenting others and truly being impressed by high achievers and those from whom they can learn. They are confident enough to be vulnerable and willing to admit they can still learn much from others.

How To Make It Work For You: If you are the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. Move on, immediately, and surround yourself with people who really are smarter and brighter than you. You’ll be challenged in good ways that will expand your understanding of yourself and the world around you.

3. POORLY DEVELOPED COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Experts agree that communication, both interpersonal and organizational, is a necessity for the success of your business.

A recent Forbes article published research by the Carnegie Institute of Technology. This study indicated only 15% of financial success actually comes from knowledge or technical skills. The remaining 85% of success comes from the ability to effectively communicate and negotiate—both when speaking and listening.

In addition, Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman has found that people would rather do business with a person they like and trust than someone they don’t. While this isn’t surprising, the real clincher was this—it applied even if the likable person was offering a lower-quality product or service at a higher price.

How To Make It Work For You: Pay close attention to what your listeners are saying so you can learn what is important to them and their situation. Most importantly, remember that everyone is different. One size does not fit all.

4. FORGET TO BE POLITE

I chose my FBI mentors based on how successfully they handled 1) their investigations, and 2) their supervisors. One of the best agents I ever worked with taught me that sugar gets better results than vinegar, whether you’re interviewing a terrorism suspect or explaining a late report to a supervisor.

Tony always used these two words: “Please” and “Thank you.” It didn’t make any difference if you were a clerk behind the checkout register, the FBI Director, or a scumbag we were arresting for extortion. Tony always treated people with respect. He was unfailingly polite, no matter the situation.

Likable leaders like Tony make people feel special, as though they are the only person in the room. They are able to communicate on a very personal, emotional level.

How To Make It Work For You: People may forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Make the extra effort to make everyone feel valuable—even better, really believe that everyone truly is valuable.

5. TOO SERIOUS

It’s is an inevitable truth: the more serious the FBI investigation, the more humor was needed to break through the stress.

Research has shown that humor is a great tension breaker in the workplace. When we laugh in response to something that is said, something happens in our brain. Not only is there a cognitive shift in how you view your stressors, there are emotional and physical responses that enable you to relax when you laugh.

People who are passionate and dedicated to their work often come across as too serious and uninterested in anything that isn’t related to their situation. They may or may not be seriously stressed, but they do end up missing out on valuable social moments. It’s possible to be serious, and friendly as well.

How To Make It Work For You: Usually, the most likable people in a room are those who can elicit a smile or laughter from others. You do not have to be a jokester; all you need to be is someone who can laugh easily and smile often.

6. LISTEN MORE

To be likable, you must be an active listener. This means responding with questions that confirm you are actually listening to what the other person is saying. Our time is one of our most valuable resources; when you actively listen, you are giving something very important.

How To Make It Work For You: People tend to feel good when they are the center of attention. Make empathetic statements that capture the person’s message:

  1. Notice an emotion that was conveyed in their conversation and then repeat it by asking a question—such as “So you are happy that you . . .”
  2. Rephrase a verbal message they communicated. This accomplishes two things: first, it confirms to them that you correctly heard them, and second, it allows them to talk further about it.
  3. Match their body language. If they speak in quiet tones, so should you. If they are intense, ratchet-up your style as well.

When you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. It’s a simple rule to follow.

7. SHARE TOO MUCH

Developing a tribe mentality in our work environment is important because tribes help us get behind a shared objective. We can sense a bubble of excitement and community when we’re surrounded by people with similar values. We are eager to hear our leaders tell stories that renew that sense of purpose.

While getting to know our tribes requires sharing, sharing too much about ourselves too early, or at inappropriate times, can sabotage our efforts. Instead of spewing out the nitty gritty details of your life at the first opportunity, learn about the other people in your tribe first.

Oversharing can take many forms. Sometimes it sounds a lot like bullying if we run over others in our eagerness to push our recommendations out front; other times it gives others the impression that we’re self-obsessed, in more need of a therapist or a sounding board.

How To Make It Work For You: Always be the first to give others a chance to talk. Give them the chance to be the most important person in the world. This requires a heart of humility and genuine belief in people.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

5 Ways To Train Your Mind To Think Like A Winner

Sunday, March 13th, 2016

One of the first things I learned as an FBI Agent was that to be successful, I would need to think like a winner.

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When pulling a gun to make an arrest, there is no room for error—not only did I need to be right, I needed to come out on the winning side.

My state of mind directly impacted my performance. I needed to be mindful, in the present moment, and in complete control of what was surging through my thoughts even if I was nervous, stressed and under pressure.

To think like a winner is not rocket science; it sounds easy, but many entrepreneurs and business owners fail to do this because they are not consciously aware of their thoughts.

Without awareness of what we are thinking, we cannot control where the mind goes—and as we all know, the mind can sometimes have a life of its own.

Here are 5 ways to train your mind to think like a winner:

1. Run The Show To Think Like A Winner

Run the show by controlling your thoughts, rather than letting your thoughts control you.

To do this, you will need to become more connected to them throughout your day. Controlling our thought process isn’t as easy as it sounds because we don’t notice how little control we have over the way our mind thinks. One thought follows another, and out of habit, we let our subconscious take us through most of the day.

We have arrived at where we are today because our thoughts have brought us here, but where we end up tomorrow depends a great deal on where our thoughts take us.

Meditation is an excellent way move out of your subconscious and be an observer of your own thoughts, even the ones that frighten you.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

As an investigator, I learned to continually question my assumptions about almost everything! But by doing so, I trained my mind to be alert about everything going on around me.

Move out of your subconscious by intentionally choosing to observe, question, challenge, or dismiss new pieces of information that come your way.

2. Stimulate Your Mind To Think Like A Winner

Introducing humor and playing with ideas are both extremely stimulating. If we train our brain to seek out new information, we no longer need to rely upon our external circumstances to provide mental stimulation.

This can be extremely important when we’re in a situation where we feel trapped or immobilized.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

My fellow FBI agents frequently used humor to defray tense and stressful situations. Humor helps our mind change the way it views our stressors. Laughter is a physical response that relaxes us.

By training your mind to be playful, it will make it easier to take in new information from outside your current situation and then use this new information to help you think through problems.

3. Visualize Your Success To Think Like A Winner

The benefits of visioning our performance is based on solid science. The very act of giving our brain a detailed portrait of our end goal ensures the release of dopamine, a powerful mental toughness tool to steer us toward success.

Dopamine is the chemical that becomes active when we encounter situations that are linked to rewards from the past. It enables us to not only see rewards, but to move toward those rewards.

A Harvard study has demonstrated that our brain cannot tell the difference between a visualized image and reality.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

Defensive tactics was an exercise in visualization because we were taught how to anticipate the movements of a person avoiding arrest. By visualizing what could go wrong, we prepared ourselves to be successful.

You can do the same thing: if you have a speaking engagement or a meeting, visualize what you will say and how you will say it.

4. Tap Into Your Inner Self To Think Like A Winner

Vicktor Frankl, a Holocaust and concentration camp survivor, described the source of his strength under extreme adversity. Frankl concludes that the most important trait of survivors is a strong sense of doing their best in all circumstances, while not being primarily concerned with advancing their own interests.

The actions of the survivors are motivated by an inner voice that taps into their sense of purpose—not by their external conditions. They had the mental toughness to keep moving ahead, regardless of their circumstances.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

While the FBI is not a touchy-feely group of people, they are able to tap into their purpose and passion—it’s what motivates them to chase terrorists and other criminals.

If your only goal is to make money and buy more stuff, you are thinking liking a loser, not a winner. You are one of the narcissistic people who fall apart when external conditions turn threatening because you are only intrinsically motivated to help yourself. 

5. Get Specific Sooner To Think Like A Winner

Getting specific requires us to:

  1. Prioritize and make choices.
  2. Identify our unique message
  3. Become a master of a few things instead of a “know it all.”
  4. Be humble about the things in which we are not an expert
  5. Foster gratitude for the things in which we do excel

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

The shotgun approach works only if you are not sure of your options, but a laser focused approach is what will yield the best results once a decision is made.

Smart people specify, prioritize, and focus on specific opportunities that they know will most likely lead to their success. These 5 steps outlined above are embedded in common sense and validated by top notch research and science. Discovering how to make them work for you is your own secret to success.

Training your mind to think like a winner is not always easy, and like anything else, it takes practice.

How have your trained yourself to think like a winner?

© 2016 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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6 Reasons Mental Toughness is Positivity on Steroids

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

Admiral James Stockdale was held captive for eight years during the Vietnam War. He had the mental toughness to make it out alive after being tortured 22 times and losing many friends in prison.

Mental toughness - boxing gloves

Stockdale was interviewed about his experiences as a prisoner of war several years later by Jim Collins, author of the famous book Good to Great. Stockdale gave insightful answers about how he managed to survive torture, starvation, and other horrible conditions. At one point, Collins asked him, “Who didn’t make it out alive?”

Stockdale’s answer was blunt: “Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

Positivity is one of the most important components of mental toughness. When listening to Stockdale’s story, it becomes obvious that positivity is about more than optimism vs pessimism.

Mental Toughness is about people putting faith in themselves to prevail rather than trusting in circumstances to change.

Stockdale said, “I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

The message is clear: 

Successful leaders must never confuse faith that they will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of their current reality, whatever these might be.

For some, the barrier is a self-limiting belief; for others, it’s an economic obstacle filled with risk, uncertainty, and deception. 

Leaders and entrepreneurs who are mentally tough are positive thinkers—they have to be if they intend to overcome obstacles and break through barriers. 

Here are 6 reasons mental toughness is positivity on steroids:

 

1. Showing Gratitude Enhances Well Being

Admiral Stockdale reminds us that no matter how difficult our circumstances, they could always be worse. Be thankful, no matter how much pain you feel in your life.

As an FBI Agent, there were many times when I woke up and dreaded the day’s assignment. Like all jobs, some days were tedious, boring, and repetitious. Nicknamed by some as The Federal Bureaucracy of Investigation, I didn’t let the paperwork and inane bureaucratic procedures dampen my attitude.

Gratitude is intentional; it’s a way of seeing the world by focusing your mind on what you choose to see

Of all the attitudes we can acquire, surely 

the attitude of gratitude is the most important,

and by far the most life-changing~Zig Ziglar

 

2. Laugh Till It Hurts, Even When It Does Hurt

Humor is relaxing and life-giving. It can break the tension when we start to feel overwhelmed with our circumstances.

The physical effects of laughter on the body involve increased breathing, oxygen use, and heart rate, which stimulate the circulatory system. It also moves the brain into other ways of thinking because it introduces the concept of play in adults, which boosts creativity and innovation. In addition, humor is increasingly recognized and valued as an important way to release stress and bring a better mood and perspective into difficult situations.

Hospitals, soldiers, and law enforcement organizations like the FBI frequently use laughter and humor as a means of helping people remain positive thinkers in the midst of dire circumstances. 

 

3. Get By With A Little Help From Friends

Negative thoughts can spread faster than positive ones. Surround yourself with people who have faith in you—and themselves.

One of my best moves has always been to surround myself with friends who ask “Why not?” instead of “Why?” Positive attitudes like this are always contagious. Avoid the whiners, naysayers . . . and other losers. If I’d listened to them, I would never never lived my dream of becoming an FBI agent.

If you want to get ahead in business and life, surround yourself with smart and positive people rather than negative and immature ones.

Most people don’t aim too high and miss; they aim too low and hit—anon

 

4. Ignore The Toxic Bystanders

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.” 

Stop talking about the difficult situation and start doing something about it. By talking only, you risk becoming a critic, and when you become a critic, you tend to search out the negative aspects of people or things, rather than the positive. If you doubt me, start reading Op-Ed columnist Maureen Dowd—she is a great writer but her relentless pursuit of finding fault in others does nothing more than remind us she is never the one in the arena.

 

5. Stop Being A Ninny…Risk Failure

Every great leader, whatever walk of life they are from or organization in which they reside, always go back to the same failure to explain their success. The failure, without exception, was traumatic and personally very difficult. It made them feel as though they’d hit rock bottom and filled them with desperation. 

As Warren Bennis said, “It’s as if at that moment the iron entered their soul; that moment created the resilience that leaders need.”

 

6. Offer A Helping Hand to Others; It’s Not All About You

People may think that, as an FBI agent, I learned to look only for the worst in others. Not so. I discovered that no matter the offense or background, people respond positively when they are treated with dignity. If I could offer that bit of humanity to someone who had hit bottom, I had found a way to give my gift to another.

It was a small change in thinking that made a huge difference for Admiral Stockdale. If you choose to be positive, have faith that you will eventually succeed by trying over and over again. Do not be frustrated by each individual setback—you will find the mental toughness to succeed. 

How have you found positivity helps you through difficult times?

© 2013 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

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