Posts Tagged ‘joy’

5 Mindsets Of Resilient People

Monday, October 9th, 2017

When I interviewed with the FBI, I was asked why I wanted to become an agent. I answered, “I want to make the best, better.” Apparently my interview panel liked that answer because 6 months later I was in the FBI Academy.

My answer was freighted with the stuff that makes resilient people—grit. It’s not knowing how, but doing it anyway. Push through the obstacles and crap that shows up in life, and always seek ways to improve and be better at what we do.

Organizations need resilient people. We all know that things do not always go according to plan, and employees can lose both heart and focus. When it happens, leaders need to be resilient people who are flexible and resourceful so they can create productive work environments for people. Uncertainty and ambiguity are the enemy, but if we want to survive in today’s environment, we’d better get used to them.

The right mindset produces the coping skills we need to resilient. Here are 5 mindsets of resilient people:

1. ACCEPT THAT IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

In the FBI Academy I was surrounded by colleagues who were truly extraordinary people. I did not feel as though I measured up against them; after all, most were seasoned armed forces personnel, successful trial lawyers, or stalwart law enforcement officers. I was a buyer at a fancy department store. When I stood and introduced myself at the FBI Academy, everyone turned to get a look at the fluffball who had accidentally found herself at the Marine Corp base In Quantico, VA.

I suffered the instant humiliation of being average, and being average in an organization like the FBI is akin to sanctioning a standard of failure. I could either wallow in self-pity or I could accept  that it was not all about me.

Instead of worrying that I was not exceptional, I honestly evaluated my skill set and understood where I was mediocre and average; but this is what made me resilient—I knew I could improve.

Resilient people focus on improvement, because it shifts the focus from feeling sorry for their situation to the humble acceptance that we all need to find where and how we can improve—whether it’s in our relationships, our ability to embrace change, or in our corporate governance.

The pressure to be the next best thing is automatically lifted from your back, along with the stress and anxiety that comes with being “exceptional” in everyone’s eyes, especially your own.

TIP: Success will not make you a better person. All the self-esteem coaching and books in the world only gives you permission to focus on what you don’t have. You don’t need more mantras or affirmations; you need a better way to look at your world. No matter where you are in life, simply focus on how you can improve as a person.

2. PRIORITIZE WHAT IS IMPORTANT

 

Events in themselves are not necessarily traumatic. It’s the way we choose to interpret those events that produces the negative emotions. Events can be neither good nor bad; it is our interpretation of them that makes them good or bad.

If someone puts a gun to your head and orders you to run 6 miles, that is a negative event. If you run 6 miles to graduate from the FBI Academy with a throng of people cheering you on, it is a positive event. Its the same 6 miles; what is different is your attitude.

Resilient people choose the right mindset when they focus and prioritize their thoughts based on what matters to them. This produces a mindset that teaches them how to fight for what they want in life without becoming a casualty themselves.

TIP: Resilient mindsets are those that choose to be the victory rather than win the victory. Real success comes from who they become, not what they achieve.

3. REFUSE TO PLAY THE BLAME GAME

The only 4 letter word I never heard in my 24 years in the FBI was “can’t.” Do not bitch, whine, complain, or blame others. As agents, we took responsibility for the cases we investigated and worked hard to help the victims. We looked struggles in the eye because they produced the kind of problems that were worth fighting for.

To make an excuse for yourself or shirk responsibility is immature. You might as well lower your standards here and now because you’re not resilient enough to face life’s struggles and endure the pain and ambiguity that is needed to move forward.

When you choose to live according to your values, you automatically generate a better set of problems. When you have better problems, you have a better life.

TIP: Ask yourself, “What am I willing to struggle for?” Remember: Life is hard. Pain is inevitable. Growth is optional.

4. BRING IT ON

One of the things the FBI liked about me is that I grew up on a remote cattle ranch in Wyoming. I was tough scrappy, and full of grit. They liked that I wasn’t coddled, pampered, or entitled. When I was 5 years old, I got bucked off my pony, Socks. I learned early that getting knocked down was part of life; I also learned that getting back up was part of it as well.

Snowflake is a term used to characterize the young adults who are more prone to taking offence and less resilient than previous generations, or are too emotionally vulnerable to cope with views that challenge their own.

They are entitled people and they are not resilient because they need to feel good about themselves all the time. Entitled people are needy—they put themselves before others. Besides being a pain in the ass to be around, they crumble when things get tough. You can’t count on them when the chips are down.

The easy way does not create resilient people. You may want to start your own business or work your way into the C-suite, but you won’t end up a successful entrepreneur or executive unless you find a way to work through the uncertainty and ambiguity that comes with change and risk.

If you want the benefits, you also have to want the struggle. A beach body requires the sweat of intense workouts. To lose weight, you have to want the hunger pangs that go with it. If you want success, you have to want the hard work, persistence, determination, and endurance that comes with success.

TIP: If you keep finding yourself wanting something but never getting closer, then maybe what you are looking at is a fantasy. Or even worse, a false promise.

5. STOP TRYING TO BE HAPPY

Happiness is transitory. It can claim our full attention for a few moments, and then it disappears as it passes through our life. Happiness doesn’t have the same heft as an emotion like sadness, joy, or contentment. It’s a bit of fluff; nice, but of no real consequence.

Happiness depends upon external circumstances, those in which you are never in total control. Happiness is anchored in the future and depends upon outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations.

Joy and contentment, however, depend upon our internal circumstances. They can’t be bought and don’t rest on someone else’s behavior. You can get fired, dumped, pulled through the coals of a fire and still feel joy deep in your heart.

It is in our choices that we become mentally tough. We learn to prioritize our emotions, thoughts, and behavior so we can pick what is important to us based on our values and beliefs.

TIP: All the “be happy” shit is a lie. Happiness is an emotion; joy is an attitude. Demand more from life than a few fleeting moments of an emotion that draws its power from others. Instead, dare yourself to dig down deep and find joy.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

5 Reasons Why All This Happiness Bullshit Is A Lie

Monday, July 10th, 2017

I feel happiness when I eat my favorite ice cream, joy when my 25lb Labradoodle sleeps on my lap or gazes into my eyes, and contentment when I can share the truest part of myself with trusted friends.

While most of us wish for happiness, very few of us ever define what happiness means to us or what happiness feels like.

If you can’t define what that happiness looks like to you, your life will suck. Self-help books on happiness are everywhere, but often do nothing more than remind you of exactly what you don’t have.

Here are 8 reasons why all this happiness shit is a lie—and how you can change your mindset:

1. Happiness Is Transitory

If you think about it, the transitory things in life are happiness-based. Once the ice cream is gone, I’ll look for something else. Happiness claims our full attention for a few moments, and then disappears as soon as it passes through our life. It doesn’t have the same heft as an emotion like sadness, joy, or contentment. It’s a bit of fluff; nice, but of no real consequence.

We can be happy with a big house, a big career, and big diamonds. We can lose houses, careers, and material things. That does not mean we will live in misery.

How To Make It Work For You

Replace the stuff, people, and the problems they bring with a stillness that resides deep within you. It is exactly in that stillness that you will find the joy and contentment that resides within, dependent upon nothing external in order to exist.

2. Happiness Looks To The Future

Happiness relies on outside situations, people, or events to align with our expectations so that the end result is our happiness. It is linked to the hope that “some day when I meet the right person” or “when I have a second home,” or “when I get the right job.”

If we rely on external circumstances to make us happy, we are never in control.

How To Make It Work For You

Since happiness is reliant upon external circumstances, we tend to put our happiness off to some point in the future. Joyful people prepare for the future, but they also know they cannot control it.

Learn to adjust to the surprises that the future holds for you rather than lament on how unlucky you are.

3. Happiness Suppresses Negative Emotions

I’m a big believer in positive thinking, but I also believe that negative emotions can teach us incredible lessons. The key is to be honest about what we are feeling; if it is negativity, get to the bottom of it. Pretending we don’t have negative emotions or tamping them down so they can’t surface is extremely unproductive and unhealthy.

Constant positivity is an avoidance system because it forces us to deny the existence of life’s problems. True happiness, joy, and contentment is found in our ability to work through our struggles, not deny they exist.

How To Make It Work For You

Negative emotions are a call to action. If they spiral downward into depression, take them to a professional therapist. But just because something feels good, it doesn’t mean it is good. And just because something feels bad, it doesn’t mean it is bad. Fear produces negative emotions, but we need to differentiate between a negative nagging emotion that is prompting us to move into action and those that are warning of a threat to our life.

4. Happiness Relies Too Much On Shitty Values

Most people have no idea of their personal values. They imitate what they see in others, in movies, or in books. If you don’t have a clue of what is important to you, you’ll never find happiness let alone the deeper emotions of joy and contentment.

Have the mental toughness to define what truly gives you happiness, and ultimately, joy and contentment. When you prioritize your values, you will see which values are ones worth suffering for and which ones are crap and should be be thrown out.

Prioritize your values and you will notice that none of them will feel like your old idea of happiness.

Contentment and joy are deeply embedded into our set of values. They can’t be bought and they don’t rest on someone else’s behavior. We can get fired, dumped, or pulled through the coals and still feel joy deep in our heart.

How To Make It Work For You

Fill in the answer to this sentence:

I value ______ because I need _______ and _______.

My answer: I value honesty because I need truth and authenticity.

Honesty, truthfulness, and authenticity are the values by which I measure my success and failure. These are the standards by which I judge myself and those around me. I seek out people, community, and situations that will allow me to live by my truest values. This produces happiness, yes, but something even more important: joy and contentment.

What about you?

5. Happiness Denies The Value of Struggle And Pain

Some of life’s greatest moments are full of pain, suffering, and struggle. Ask any parent, small business owner, or marathon runner.

Our values are defined by what we are willing to struggle to achieve. If something holds value for us, we will endure the pain and struggle of making it happen. The person we are (or will become) is defined by the way we overcome our struggles, suffering, and pain. Our greatest moments in life will be defined by these things, not by our pathetic attempts at happiness.

Joy is a lasting attitude while happiness is an ephemeral emotion. Demand more from life than a few fleeting moments of an emotion that draws its power from others. Instead, dare yourself to dig down deep and find joy.

It is in our choices that we become mentally tough. We learn to prioritize our emotions, thoughts, and behavior so we can pick what is important to us based on our values and beliefs.

How To Make It Work For You

Good values are achieved internally; bad values rely upon external circumstances. Once you’ve defined your values, prioritize them. What are the values you place above all else? These are the ones that influence the decisions you make in work and life.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, AND LinkedIn

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Sign Up for my How To Build Confidence on-line training course

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”