Posts Tagged ‘likable’

7 Stupid Things You’re Doing To Make Yourself Less Likable

Monday, June 19th, 2017

As an FBI agent, I needed to be likable as well as credible. As a likable person, I was able to exert a great deal of influence on others because I was able to connect with them in a meaningful way.

Likable people do better in business as well. Clients listen to them, trust them, and are willing to give them the benefit of doubt.

As a business owner or entrepreneur, your ability to be likable can be a big factor in your success. If you come across as likable, you will be better treated by investors, colleagues, and clients.

Being seen as likable often comes down to the smallest of behaviors. Unknowingly, you may be doing things that cause people to dislike you. 

If you are mentally tough, you will be able to manage these behaviors in ways that will set you up for success.

Here are 7 stupid things you may be doing to make yourself less likable:

1. PRETEND TO SMILE

When you pretend to smile, only the corners of your mouth will curl upward. This is called a smarmy “social smile” and is used by celebrities and politicans. A lot.

Research by Paula Niedenthal suggests that a true smile enlists not only the muscles around your mouth, but also those around the eye socket. Visually, a genuine smile will activate lines around the eye known as “crows feet.” In addition, our brain is wired to mimic the smile of others. If the smile is real, our brain will activate the same areas on our own face; subconciously we recognize almost immediately whether the greeting was genuine or not.

How To Make It Work For You: Maintain eye contact with the other person and notice how they mirror your facial gestures: they smile when you smile, they frown when you frown, they nod their head when you nod. Keep in mind how people will mirrow your behavior and make sure you are sending the right message.

2. PUSH TO THE FRONT

You want to impress the other person, right? You let them know that you’re smart, sophisticated, and ambitious. Everything about you shouts, “I’m first! I’m the winner!”

But here is the bad news—everyone sees right through it.

Likable people do not try to compete with the people they are meeting or brag about their accomplishments. Instead, they spend time complimenting others and truly being impressed by high achievers and those from whom they can learn. They are confident enough to be vulnerable and willing to admit they can still learn much from others.

How To Make It Work For You: If you are the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. Move on, immediately, and surround yourself with people who really are smarter and brighter than you. You’ll be challenged in good ways that will expand your understanding of yourself and the world around you.

3. POORLY DEVELOPED COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Experts agree that communication, both interpersonal and organizational, is a necessity for the success of your business.

A recent Forbes article published research by the Carnegie Institute of Technology. This study indicated only 15% of financial success actually comes from knowledge or technical skills. The remaining 85% of success comes from the ability to effectively communicate and negotiate—both when speaking and listening.

In addition, Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman has found that people would rather do business with a person they like and trust than someone they don’t. While this isn’t surprising, the real clincher was this—it applied even if the likable person was offering a lower-quality product or service at a higher price.

How To Make It Work For You: Pay close attention to what your listeners are saying so you can learn what is important to them and their situation. Most importantly, remember that everyone is different. One size does not fit all.

4. FORGET TO BE POLITE

I chose my FBI mentors based on how successfully they handled 1) their investigations, and 2) their supervisors. One of the best agents I ever worked with taught me that sugar gets better results than vinegar, whether you’re interviewing a terrorism suspect or explaining a late report to a supervisor.

Tony always used these two words: “Please” and “Thank you.” It didn’t make any difference if you were a clerk behind the checkout register, the FBI Director, or a scumbag we were arresting for extortion. Tony always treated people with respect. He was unfailingly polite, no matter the situation.

Likable leaders like Tony make people feel special, as though they are the only person in the room. They are able to communicate on a very personal, emotional level.

How To Make It Work For You: People may forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Make the extra effort to make everyone feel valuable—even better, really believe that everyone truly is valuable.

5. TOO SERIOUS

It’s is an inevitable truth: the more serious the FBI investigation, the more humor was needed to break through the stress.

Research has shown that humor is a great tension breaker in the workplace. When we laugh in response to something that is said, something happens in our brain. Not only is there a cognitive shift in how you view your stressors, there are emotional and physical responses that enable you to relax when you laugh.

People who are passionate and dedicated to their work often come across as too serious and uninterested in anything that isn’t related to their situation. They may or may not be seriously stressed, but they do end up missing out on valuable social moments. It’s possible to be serious, and friendly as well.

How To Make It Work For You: Usually, the most likable people in a room are those who can elicit a smile or laughter from others. You do not have to be a jokester; all you need to be is someone who can laugh easily and smile often.

6. LISTEN MORE

To be likable, you must be an active listener. This means responding with questions that confirm you are actually listening to what the other person is saying. Our time is one of our most valuable resources; when you actively listen, you are giving something very important.

How To Make It Work For You: People tend to feel good when they are the center of attention. Make empathetic statements that capture the person’s message:

  1. Notice an emotion that was conveyed in their conversation and then repeat it by asking a question—such as “So you are happy that you . . .”
  2. Rephrase a verbal message they communicated. This accomplishes two things: first, it confirms to them that you correctly heard them, and second, it allows them to talk further about it.
  3. Match their body language. If they speak in quiet tones, so should you. If they are intense, ratchet-up your style as well.

When you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. It’s a simple rule to follow.

7. SHARE TOO MUCH

Developing a tribe mentality in our work environment is important because tribes help us get behind a shared objective. We can sense a bubble of excitement and community when we’re surrounded by people with similar values. We are eager to hear our leaders tell stories that renew that sense of purpose.

While getting to know our tribes requires sharing, sharing too much about ourselves too early, or at inappropriate times, can sabotage our efforts. Instead of spewing out the nitty gritty details of your life at the first opportunity, learn about the other people in your tribe first.

Oversharing can take many forms. Sometimes it sounds a lot like bullying if we run over others in our eagerness to push our recommendations out front; other times it gives others the impression that we’re self-obsessed, in more need of a therapist or a sounding board.

How To Make It Work For You: Always be the first to give others a chance to talk. Give them the chance to be the most important person in the world. This requires a heart of humility and genuine belief in people.

© 2017 LaRae Quy. All rights reserved.

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.” 

7 FBI Tips To Become More Likable

Sunday, February 7th, 2016

Not very many people are excited to get a phone call from an FBI Agent. They tend to be even less enthusiastic when the Agent tells them they need to speak with them about a pending investigation. As a result, I had to work—hard at times—to be likable if I wanted to get my job done.

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But it’s not only FBI Agents who need to be likable—as business owners, sales representatives, or leaders you need to impress new clients and competitors with your competence and capabilities. You can miss out on great opportunities to develop new relationships if you’re not able to establish a connection with other people.

The more likable you are, the better your chances of being successful.

Here are 7 FBI tips to become more likable:

1. Smile

This is the best way to become more likable instantly—and it doesn’t cost a thing. If you don’t believe me, just smile when you’re in a crowd of strangers and see what reaction you get.

I’m not a toothy person so I smile a lot with my mouth closed. The interesting thing is that a smile on my face changes the attitude in my heart, too.

TIP: Remember, a genuine smile requires your eyes so crinkle around the corners so lay off the botox if you’re serious about connecting with others.

2. Remember Names

Our name is an essential part of our identity, and people feel great when they hear it spoken by others. If their name is unusual, ask the origin. Become more likable by repeating their name in conversation—it will help you to remember it as well. And of course, get their business card!

TIP: Research shows that people feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name during a conversation. But don’t overdo it—once or twice is enough. Otherwise you risk sounding too familiar or touchy-feely.

3. Leave a Strong First Impression

Research by Princeton psychologists reveal that all it takes is a tenth of a second for most people decide whether or not you are likable. Longer exposure doesn’t significantly alter impressions made within 10 seconds of meeting you.

People will then spend the rest of the conversation justifying their initial reaction.

As an FBI agent, I knew I might not have more than a few seconds to persuade someone I was likable and to cooperate with me, so I made it count.

TIP: First impressions are the result of positive body language. Walk with purpose and confidence, maintain a strong posture, offer a firm handshake, smile, face the person to whom you are talking, and make eye contact. If their eyes start to wander, it’s a clue that they may be losing interest in you.

4. Listen

This is a difficult task for most people. When we’re listening to someone else talk, our mind is frequently 1) busy forming a question to ask, 2) trying to process the information that’s being spoken, or 3) splitting attention between the speaker and something else that’s going on.

TIP: To be likable, give the other person your 100% attention. It will make them feel important and your undivided attention tells them that you genuinely value them.

5. Show Politeness

Show appreciation and gratitude whenever and wherever you can. It’s a habit that can be learned. People really do pay attention to how well you treat strangers, so make it habit to treat everyone well.

TIP: Make it a habit to be polite to everyone. Start with shop clerks and work your way up to the airline ticket agents. Once there, you can take on state government employees!

6. Be Authentic

As an FBI undercover agent, I assumed the identify of a fictitious person. One of the first things I learned that  to be a likable and successful undercover agent, it took more than a fake name. I needed to be authentic and honest with people about who I really was as a person. I could slap on whatever name—or title—I wanted, but the only time I got into trouble was when I tried to be someone I wasn’t. That is when I came across like an empty government suit, and that held no interest for anyone.

TIP: People cannot genuinely find you likable unless they know who you are. Give up trying to impress new people you meet. Instead, share with them who you are—really, and not whom you think they want to meet.

7. Exude Confidence

If you come across as insecure, you also risk coming across as needy and/or incompetent. Start from a positive place and others will notice. If you’re not there yet, fake your confidence until you feel more secure and at ease.

Focus on what motivates you and makes you happy as an individual. Once you do, you will not only become a more interesting person, you will also exude the confidence of a likable person who knows who they are.

TIP: Go into every conversation thinking “I like this person and want to get to know them better.’

To become more likable, try this exercise sometime this week:

  • Notice how much time you spend just listening when you’re in a conversation with someone.
  • Notice how often your mind races ahead to a question you want to ask them.
  • Notice how often the next task of the day pops into your mind as you listen.
  • Notice how often you get lost in your own thoughts.

Now, do this:

  • Slow down your mind and focus on what the other person is saying.
  • Pay attention to their facial features as they speak.
  • Pay attention to what animates them when they speak.
  • Pay attention to how their voice changes when they speak about a specific topic.
  • Pay attention to how their words and body language change.

Then do this:

  • Share with them the most positive things you noticed about them.

How have you become more likable to people?

© 2016 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

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Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”

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7 Top Secrets Of Persuasion

Sunday, December 20th, 2015

FBI counterintelligence agents, such as myself, recruit foreign spies to work for the U.S. government. It’s not that we are selling anything; instead, we are using persuasion to make our point. Very often, we are successful.

7 Top Secrets Of Persuasion

You may never find yourself in a situation where you’ll be confronted with a Russian spy trying to steal classified information, and chances are even slimmer that you’ll be asked to recruit him to work for our side, but there will be times that you will absolutely need to make your point. 

Persuasion is not just for spies, salespeople, and teenagers.

As entrepreneurs and business owners, you may need to persuade an investor to take a closer look at your proposal, get assistance at work, or persuade employees to perform better. The truth is, we’re all negotiators.

I took FBI hostage negotiation training at Quantico, and the first thing I learned is that persuasion techniques not only work with barricaded criminals wielding assault rifles—they apply to any form of disagreement or any situation where you need someone else to see your point of view.

Persuasion is about far more than argument and counter-argument.

Here are 7 top secrets of persuasion and tips on how to counter them:

1. Be Bold And Assertive

Humans equate confidence with skill. If you come across as confident, even the most cynical person will be at least partly persuaded.

The key is to stop using qualifiers like “I think” or “I believe.” Instead, if you think something will work, just say it.

Let your enthusiasm and confidence show through and people will be more likely to be persuaded.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Resistance is easiest when we feel sharp and alert. That is when we’re in a better position to raise a counter-argument, maintain our position, and spot persuasion attempts coming our way.

2. Inoculation Slowly Bleeds You Dry

Medical inoculations work by giving you a little of the disease so that your body can prepare itself for attack in the future.

Psychological inoculation works the same way.

Propose an idea that takes on a new angle that people haven’t thought of before. Then, introduce an alternative approach or solution that is a bit closer to their way of thinking. Chances are very good that people will jump at the alternative, even though it would have been immediately dismissed if introduced before the first one.

This is how ex-spouses, hostage negotiators, and politicians extort us everyday with persuasive arguments. In the end, we grab the alternative and think we’ve struck a good deal.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Expose yourself to different types of arguments and positions you will likely come across. When you know what’s coming, it’s easier to psychologically prepare yourself. Be wary of the same old argument presented in a slightly different way.

3. Come Across As An Expert With Authority

Make sure your credentials are solid. Research has shown that we defer to those who appear to have authority. If you don’t have the heft to make a persuasive argument, align yourself with someone who does.

People don’t often second guess or question someone who makes a recommendation if they believe the individual is either an expert or someone with authority.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Be extremely wary of anyone who relies entirely on authority to influence you.

4. Validate What The Other Person Says

This may sound counterintuitive, but if you don’t let the other party have their say, you can talk until you’re blue in the face and they will not have heard a word you said. Instead of listening to you, they were forming their own counter-argument in the mind.

The best way to quiet the voice in the other person’s head is to hear the other side out and then make your argument.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Don’t ask open-ended questions after they’ve made their argument. Open-ended questions invite more discussion, whereas you want to close it down. Ask questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no.

5. Mirror Both Behavior and Words

A lot of research has been conducted on the effectiveness of mirroring a person’s behavior to create rapport. We smile when others smile, lean in when they do, and give the impression of sharing a secret understanding that is personal and makes us appear more likable.

Effective coaches, therapists, and hostage negotiators simply repeat the last word that was spoken by the other person. It indicates that they are listening and engaged.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Think about whether the persuasion attempt is trying to maneuver you to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily be interested in doing. Try to dissociate the speaker with the message they are conveying.

6. Adapt To The Personality Of The Other Person

An essential element of mental toughness is the ability to accurately read the emotions of others and then adapt your behavior accordingly.

Match your personality to your boss, employee, or client. Assess whether they are introverts or extraverts, analytical or a visionary, purpose-driven or security-driven, goal-oriented or people-oriented.

If you’ve been a good listener, you will be able to make these distinctions.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

Determine whether the person is sincere or just trying to please you by saying things they assume you want to hear.

7. Add Charm To The Conversation

My years in the FBI were a grueling course in learning good manners because people were not going to talk to me, let alone follow me, unless I could engage them in a way that was meaningful and productive.

Demonstrate warmth first when connecting with others, develop a bond and then be competent in the work you do together.

It’s much easier to change people’s minds if you take the time to develop more than shallow, fleeting relationships with them. It comes down to this: in a world of mass media you must learn how to charm people if you want to persuade them to take your point of view seriously.

DEFENSE TIPS for you:

We are more easily swayed than we realize. Be wary of all attempts to camouflage a persuasive message.

What ways have you found to be the most persuasive?

© 2015 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.

You can follow me on Twitter

Get my FREE 45-Question Mental Toughness Assessment

Author of “Mental Toughness for Women Leaders: 52 Tips To Recognize and Utilize Your Greatest Strengths” and “Secrets of a Strong Mind.”